#RoadtoJJ20

 2022年11月4日，7pm 在 Singapore National Stadium 看了 #JJ20 演唱会。其實感覺蠻奇妙的。

還沒去的時候也不覺得，但JJ一說“20年了”，突然覺得... 哇！20年就這樣過了。這20年來我都和同樣的朋友一起出席所有JJ的大型演唱會。從還是學生的我們，只能買旁邊的票的我們，到現在是買Cat 1 票的我們，好像也是一件很難得的事情。雖然我們不是瘋狂追星的粉絲（我已經是我們當中最瘋狂的了），但我們也真的是從第一張專輯就開始聽他的歌。20年真的挺不容易的。

2006年6月24日，“就是俊傑巡迴演唱會 - Just JJ World Tour 2006”. JJ人生中的第一個巡迴演唱會新加坡場，也是我人生中第一次自己花錢買的演唱會門票，因為二姐沒有要去，所以我沒辦法讓她幫我付。這也開啟了我接下來的日子裡無數個自己花錢看演唱會的日子。這個博客頁面的Just JJ 標籤也是由這一場演唱會後產生的。現在還是回憶滿滿。雖然演唱會的部分已經記得的不太多，但知道當時肯定是開心、滿足的。

2009年3月28日，林俊傑世界巡迴演唱會 - JJ World Tour 2009，是很多人都不記得的一場巡迴，因為好像辦了兩場就因為聲帶受損的問題停掉了。但這一場我印象最深刻的是我們坐在 Cat 2 吧，舞台旁邊的位子，感覺近了許多，然後他全家人都在台上，演奏各自會的樂器（他爸爸媽媽都會華樂樂器，哥哥演奏的是鋼琴），跟他一起演出我當時很喜歡很喜歡的一首歌《醉赤壁》（現在還是挺喜歡的），到現在還是覺得那是一件很酷的事情。

2011年3月5日，I AM - JJ 林俊傑世界巡迴演唱會。我們還是在Cat 2（票價每一個新的演唱會都起$20），所以剛開始工作的我們也只能繼續買便宜一點的票。但這次好像又更靠近舞台了。還記得這一場的亮點是JJ畫了一個煙燻妝，原因是什麼我也不記得了。但是我們是覺得有驚喜，有好笑，畢竟看過煙燻妝的JJ。然後這一場的特別嘉賓是老蕭蕭敬騰，他們一起唱著Michael Jackson, 現場瞬間更 High 了。

2013年11月9日，時:線 世界巡迴演唱會 Timeline World Tour Concert。其實這一場和下一場我的記憶有點模糊。有一點點忘了時線原來有兩個不同版本。但這兩場演唱會應該是我第一次買Cat 1的票（那時候工作穩定，票價還可以 - $201），那時的票好像是跟JJFCSG一起買的，所以票位真的很好 - 在第6排！只是說... 我們和歌迷會在一起但我們又不是很積極的那種。還是會尖叫，會enjoy，但真的沒有要很瘋狂。我們好像記得當時出了因你而在專輯，所以哥哥有在台上和他合唱《飛機》，還有一如既往的會唱Michael Jackson 的歌，但這次有鍛鍊身體的他在唱 Billie Jean 和《就是我》的時候又大玩水，又把衣服給撕了。

2015年9月5日，時：線 - 新地球 世界巡迴演唱會 (安可場) Timeline Genesis World Tour Concert (Encore) 是我記憶中最好的一場。依稀記得這一場的票是朋友的朋友幫我們買的。是跟前一場差不多一樣的位子，但在另一邊，周圍都是這樣買票的所以大家都是比較冷靜的，所以看到的也比較多。然後，當時雖然沒有那麼好的手機，但是我當時有不錯的數碼相機（也是在上一場過後才買的），所以有拍到我自己到現在都還是很滿意的照片。而且他的臉我們真的看得非常的清楚，雖然說在出席他各個活動的時候也都看過了，但是還是會興奮吧。那時期比較有那種我想花多一點時間認真看現場的感覺, 所以多數也就是拍照, 沒有太多的影片, 但很多回憶就從照片中存在腦海了. 然後，這一場是最後一次我們花這麼少錢就可以看到JJ的演唱會。之後，一切都變了 :') 因為他更紅了。

2018年8月18日，聖所世界巡迴演唱會 Sanctuary World Tour Concert。是他第一次新加坡的演唱會有多過一場，而且原本只有兩場，但因為那兩場都秒殺所以最後變成了4場。原本覺得“哇！第一次有兩場，不如兩場都去吧！不需要都是最貴的，但我只是不想錯過。” 但是，票我就都搶不到，所以就只能去4場中的其中一場。不知道該不該為他高興的我，因為再也沒機會靠近舞台了。而且票價翻倍的貴。所以多買幾場也是不可能的事。真的QQ 不過託朋友的福，就算位子沒有之前的好，還是不錯的. 有買到票就不錯了. 那一次是我第一次覺得真的有可能會買不到票, 如果沒有買到怎麼辦! 幸好最後不需要擔心這個.

在那之後呢... 可能以後都沒有室內體育館的場次了. 唉...... 對他來說可能去了國家體育館後那種觀眾人數翻倍給他視覺以及整體反應的震撼力讓他再也回不去室內體育館的小規模了. 但對於我們觀眾來說, 卻又把距離拉得更遠了. 

2019年12月21日, 聖所2.0世界巡迴演唱會 Sanctuary 2.0 World Tour Concert. 買的最慘的一次. 這次靠不了任何人, 真的靠自己買回來的票. 也真的差一點就買不到了. 第一天開票的時候就沒買到. 第二天賣票時才勉強的買到. :') 雖然還是Cat 1, 也只能買到邊邊的票. 最後只能說... 好過沒有. 但這也是我非常幸運的一次, 因為在眾多人之中, 我竟然能被抽中參與林距離後台加油活動, 那時候各地的粉絲都能過來新加坡, 所以報名的人肯定很多. 他們只抽了2位, 我是其中一位, 所以真的只能是幸運. 演唱會部分我可能也不太記得了. 哈哈! 但在後台的部分我還是記得很清楚的. 以一個也是舞台工作者來說 (能這麼說嗎?), 去這麼大型的演出的後台是很神奇的一件事. 原來他們在開場前會圍一個大圈一起禱告. 我當時站在他的右邊, 另一位在他的左邊. 我也沒選, 只是自然的讓另一位女生先過去. 最後林媽媽來了, 就站在JJ的左邊, 女生就這樣, 被隔開了. 只是整個過程太長了握手心一直出汗. :') 所以一直有想放手的衝動. 但是很感謝, JJ和我右邊的dancer人都很好, 一直都是穩穩地握著, 直到最後.

2021年聖所終極站線上演唱會, 也看了. 雖然說因為很多原因, 在当天是什么也没看到。網絡的世界有時就這樣甚麼也做不了。雖然最後推了款，也補了觀看的時間，但是感覺已經不一樣了。可惜了，花了這麼長時間精心的準備，本來也是聖所完美的句點卻... 最慘的是竟然是sistic做的。哎... 

2022年其實沒想到會是JJ20的開始（因為2023才20年），也沒想到會從新加坡出發。最近聽到他的訪談說，人生能有幾個20年。還真的是... 我20年的青春也這樣獻給了他。😂 這句話是近幾年我一直聽到演奏家們說的一句話。的確，20年來算是我最瘋狂追的歌手。只有今年我覺得自己開始慢慢的脫節了。原因下次再說吧。沒有脫粉，因為我一直都是以“他唱歌很好聽”去追的。

若要細述這些年來我做的追星活動也太難了，畢竟有一些我也小小的忘了。隱約記得，早早的一次簽名會，我因為青年團有演出而請求二姐幫我去拿簽名。對是朋友的她來說是有點小尷尬，但是她還是去了。之後的每一個簽唱會、JJ Party、專輯宣傳活動、電台演出活動我都有去。曾經有一年我們就是一起到IMM去看。然後不管是本地的或國際的歌友會我都是第一時間參加，因而有特別活動能參與 -- 見面會、背對背擁抱拍照會、一起看電影 （抽中被喂爆米花 -- 真的很瞎很害羞的一件事，拍團體照的時候剛好坐到他旁邊）、更多的林距離見面會和拍照。但後來就有一點難參加，因為粉絲人數越來越多。（最近翻到以前的電郵才發現原來其中一場JJ Party 的票也是要用贏/抽的)

今年也有的，是演唱會後的第二天下午茶。我竟然在被抽中後猶豫要不要去。然後我就發現，因為我猶豫了，就表示我沒有要非去不可。而且我肯定是一個人去，突然覺得自己去會有點尷尬，畢竟不是少女粉，不會像以前那樣誇張的尖叫或興奮了吧？所以最後省下了錢、雖然可能這一年下來就沒機會了。

演唱會本身呢，看到舞台還是覺得很開心，因為太華麗了！就是覺得很了不起。雖然沒有很靠前的座位，該看的還是看得到，能參與的還是會參與到。雖然想聽到的歌不一定都有，但他真心想唱多一些歌，所以好一些都只唱半首，連接也很緊湊，還是挺用心的。只是... 影片真的可以少一點點，雖然那些影片都有一些意思，不过我覺得歌迷都是想多聽他唱歌或說話。然後演唱會還有最近我蠻常看的kpop dance 的元素 -- 喜歡！唯一真的讓我覺得奇怪的是現場為甚麼一直有人走來走去，還有一堆提早離開的人？呵呵。

還會去看JJ演唱會嗎? 會。還會那麼瘋狂嗎? 應該不會了，可能我會覺得，不需要買最貴的了吧。但是，又覺得可能真的會聽不到，那怎麼辦？#firstworldproblem 等下一次演唱會的時候再說吧。也有可能買不到票。

Progressing in Work

It has really been months. Many changes in life though many things stayed the same too. It was no doubt that I have become busier with all the new job scope (although nothing was written in the promotion letter). I have endless fitting sessions for the uniform, and nope, I am not done yet. I hope it will be by the end of this month, so that we can really get this over and be done with, because I have soooo many other work waiting to be done. Now we also have 6 musician positions (2 are the same instrument) to fill. I have never headed 1 audition, needless to say 5! It is definitely giving me a headache, given the tight timeline. Almost forced to the wall, and still have many other matters to manage at the same time. As much as I think I should let musicians do some of the work themselves, I feel a little more at ease to help them do it to know that it has definitely been done. So actually I brought it upon myself. 

It also didn't help that the colleague is not no longer in lead for the orchestra portion and will be waiting for me to voice out concerns so he can help. In a way it is good because then I get to make the decision but it worries me sometimes because I'm also not quite good at decision making. Actually, neither is he. 

And worse, he was out of action for almost the entire first quarter of the year. Poor thing regarding his health, but I would appreciate more if I was told earlier that I will on my own most of the time. We also had a temp staff for 2 months, and I thought I will receive help. I even briefed her on the rehearsal procedures and said will probably need her help. But never did she appear once without my exact instructions. I was too tired to deal with this so I just do everything myself. 

I know it is a bad habit because I seldom call for help and I sometimes do not know when I should call for help, unless someone asked. This is something I definitely need to learn. The problem also lies that I only trust my own work and sometimes I'm probably too shy to ask as well. 

So very drowned in work, although there is still a sense of accomplishment as I feel that I have grown again in this job and environment. I feel that I'm able to give more constructive recommendations and involved in more important discussions. It really helps to stimulate more brain activities to keep things going, even though it was really really tiring. :')

In the nutshell, I'm still happy to be here for the past 7 years (on 4 May), and I will maybe continue for at least the next few years. ◡̈ 

Affinity with CO

This may never be shared publicly on the company profile because l really suck at this. But as I read many of their entries, I do realise how attached I am to the company. If not, I wouldn't have tried so hard.

Honestly, I felt that anyone who is a fan of CO would have dreamt of working in this company before. I learnt of Sco in primary school when our instructors changed and they were all from SCO. I had to beg my mother a few times before I was allowed to attend a SCO concert back then. That was before the current home of SCO - SCH was ready; concerts were held in VCH back then. Obviously I don't remember the programmes anymore but if I see the poster I might have impression that I have attended some of them. That was how I connected with SCO.

With encouragement from my then Erhu teacher - Mr. Low, I joined the SYCO in 2005 and stayed till I had to "graduate" in 2013. From the orchestra, I have met many many likeminded friends, whom not only did we attend more SCO concerts together, we also hang out a lot in a large group before and after rehearsals for dinner or supper, watch movies, organize our own annual EOY chalet.

Aside from the fun, I also experience a whole range of good and challenging repertoire, got the chance to play alongside SCO musicians once a year, and also witnessed how a team worked behind the orchestra to make a concert possible. I knew I wasn't professional musician material but I'm still passionate in the Arts, so I gone to do Arts management instead.

Can't say I excel in the studies, and I'm also not exactly well-liked, and although my interest in another aspect of the Arts industry grew throughout my study, there's still this part of me that wanted to join this company, esp. at the end because I just want to show that I'm capable of doing it when the others didn't believe in me. Took me a few attempts across different job titles and honestly, after a while, I was not that keen anymore because I had tried too many times so I didn't feel like doing it again and again, like shamelessly. I also wanted to try other arts forms, esp. I was enjoying working with band and symphony orchestra at that time too. Fortunately or unfortunately, this final chance came up and it was quite a perfect position. (Maybe half perfect, I have always wanted to do programme, but I also wanted to do artist management). I only got the artist (internal) management part. But I was all grateful as I've been in the company for 6 years, which is the furthest I've come, yet. 

“你可不能走哦”，是我听到最安慰的一句话。差一点就要哭了。不管我做了多少麻烦他们的事，多少不好听的话，他们还是希望跟他们一起工作的是我，这就是信任。谢谢他们这几年下来愿意信任我，愿意和我分享事情，愿意跟我抱怨，愿意请我帮他们的忙，愿意带我一起做很多事情。很荣幸，很开心他们不嫌弃我。对我来说，与很多人都是公事，是公事就不会随便，但公事外还是可以是同事。其实我不需要他们喜欢我，我需要的是互相配合，互相尊重，但这些就是靠‘喜欢’换来的。工作上我问心无愧的平等的对待每个人。需要做的就得做，我只能表示同理心。

“同理心”应该是我最好的特质了。不一定一直做的好，但有着同理心总会让人感觉到我的真心。

With this, I also received my best present for the year. I just need to thank everyone for being patient with me. They could have complained about me for everything I did not so well. 

What surprised me more was during my appraisal, my boss asked me if I have plans for the years to come, and if I have imagined myself to be a HOD. Never. ever. Because I actually know that I can't lead well. I can't make good decisions on my own, I don't really know how to delegate jobs to other people and I prefer to do many things myself and my way. So I may end up like one of the previous HODs, which I think better not lah hor. Then again, this also led me to think more about what I should and need to do in future, and probably I need to plan for myself as well. This is a scary moment but also an exciting moment because I can now handle things on my own without hindrance (which is also the scary part because I cannot shun away from anything anymore OMG!). I'm more scared than excited definitely. But I hope it will be good. Definitely looking forward to doing more shows, and I also need to pray everyday that things will be fine - I will not be late; musicians will not be late; musicians can fit in their uniform, musicians remember to come to work, etc. 

With that, I hope for a better year ahead! ◡̈

More busy stuff

Continuously being busy, I'm still guilty of missing out stuff and doing very last minute things. I'm really glad that all the musicians are soooo understanding. I have never felt this way, and I'm not sure if it's because of covid that they have become more bearable with multiple changes and many last minute duties. Even though I informed them of something they have to do and have to come by company only a few days in advance, I never thought that no one said something negative to me at all (whether they thought about it I don't know and I can't care much). And some of them even thanked me for what I've been doing. Even though not all of them say, I'm already thankful for the little appreciations I get. After all the late night work, maybe I'm just not efficient. I have so many backlogs and I feel bad for not giving some information earlier.

Thankful that colleagues really believed in me and never question me too much. But can't help feeling a little guilty when I miss out like updates to musicians not coming and etc. But I'm the only one doing everything leh. :( 

Thankful that colleagues prefer me over other colleague, which also means, sometimes I do more. I've probably done like stage crew duty for concerts since last year, i think like 4 or 5 altogether and obviously he hasn't done any. And he said nobody asked him, while I have heard different stories -- that even though production side already told him he needs to help, he was nowhere to be seen during the rehearsal/show. hehe. And they wanted to reject the idea that I won't be down for duty next week! I don't know to be happy or sad. But I think through all these I also really learnt that their job is really not easy (I think I have said this somewhere before). I'm happy to let my colleague experience it a little (heard it's also quite tedious this time round), but also that if he does then he will have the chance to brag or "complain" next time. It's a dilemma but we are just going according to what was agreed and of course I don't want to overwrite this although I would rather do this concert than the next one for obvious reasons -- the soloists. LOL

But well, we should all have our time for things. At the same time, I'm still gonna get busy for the upcoming deadline. I'm just so nervous for the end product and the responses. I think I need to close my ears. Or just get my colleague to do it next time because he really gives no shit to what people say. I can't. 

Goodnight, got to gear up for the morning tomorrow. Com'on we can do it! It's just another 3 months till end of year!

Great to be Busy (I guess)

It's really been a few crazy months, even more so with all the changes and things that I have to do which I don't even know why. Yet, amidst all these, I have to find time to clear leave. And obviously, cannot go on leave with a peace of mind. 

All the things came at the same time previously. The uniform, the recording, the live demo, and all the concerts. As if it was not enough, there's also many changes to the concerts over the last few months, and the live demo got postponed, and the rehearsal schedules changed or got cancelled. 

Although it's frustrating for things to get cancelled or postponed at the last minute, I'm slightly relieved that the live demo got postponed too. It's really a dilemma whether I want it to be postponed or not. But if it haven't, then I would have died by now, manning everything myself. 

And of course, things happen here and there, one day my boss felt me when I approached her for some musicians matter, having to still deal with all the nitty gritty while being busy with all the big stuff. Yea, sometimes I really don't know if it's a blessing when I get approached so much more often than the colleague. Between doing up all the tables, papers, schedules, consolidation for over 50 people, arranging for 80 people to do their measurement, I also had to deal with the rehearsals, absentee, taking leave, scores and many others. If I really manage to pull it off at the end of the day, I really deserve to give myself a pat on my back. 

I really find no time for myself. Every day I just think of how much I have left, undone. And yet, picking up things whenever the others drop it. Suddenly some matters become my responsibility. It's really weird and I'm pretty sure that wasn't what was discussed previously. Honestly, I have already done everything I should, and shouldn't. I don't get it that I'm not the one who required all these, but had to be the one conveying the message when the decision maker is someone of so much more power than me. At the end of the day it really boils down to human relation, so many of them are so afraid to deal with musicians because they cannot treat them properly. I mean honestly, I always say this in defence to the musicians not because I'm trying to get their approval but I always treat them with respect and so vice versa. Of course, I have been friendly most of the time but I also know to be firm with them whenever needed. That's all was needed, it's not like I had to please anyone but doesn't mean I have to be rude to them just because they don't get it sometimes. 

At the end of the day, I know that they will appreciate what good people have done for them. And even when I had to be the baddie sometimes, they still are thankful for what I could do for them most of the time and believed me because I don't cover things up. If I'm wrong, I just apologise and move on. And they are forgiving because they know it's genuine. But some people are really fake, if you don't mean it then don't say it. 

And it's weird that all the responsibility really came to me. I remembered they say that they didn't need us to be there, just maybe the first day. But this person has never been present and left all the matters to me. So at the start I had to decide if we could let the musician continue recording, actually, I shouldn't be the one deciding. I was never part of the production part of the videos, so I don't know why I was there. Requirements was not said properly, I only remembered them saying musicians could wear anything they like but be presentable. I didn't know what was the set up like because I didn't need to know, so obviously I wasn't there for the set up but they expected that I should know what they wanted the video to look like, which I have no idea. So attire was informed at the last minute, fine. So similarly, I wasn't the one who required the look, but the boss has requirements but didn't want to inform musician directly when we are all in the same zoom (but I was on leave or away so I didn't catch it in time). That wasn't the deal really. 

But my boss is really a hero. She saved me today from a musician's enquiry and hand it back to the other boss doing it. Although musician might still be unhappy at the end of the day because it's really not our problem with this. And they could have better manage it. Oh well, all boils down to our technicians forever unable to support things fast. If they could answer my question in the first place yesterday then there wouldn't have been so much trouble. But it's okay, their boss should solve it anyway. 

And then, I believed that the dates shouldn't have been done by me. It's funny that the programmer did not even know the postponed date, which was already discussed earlier as the contingency plan in the meeting, which I had to miss due to something else. And again, her boss (that same other boss) didn't inform her that the announcement has been made. Can't believe that I had to do all these. 

Though MH is also sad now, because she should have been free by end of the month from all the solo stuff, now that the demo has been pushed to Nov, she's not any better. But previously when she asked when will I then be freed from these, honestly it's really when they go on bloc leave. I don't want to even think about it. 

And then there are people who talked about how to clear their annual leave when they have x number of days left like it's impossible and feels like it's a chore. It's really a no-wonder that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I had more days and it's even more impossible for me to clear. I just give a smirk in my heart. In the end? He had to go on leave for his family matters, though still had to deal with some work stuff. But ya, next time be careful what you wished for. There you go, clearing your leaves now so you don't have to go on 3 weeks' leave at the end of the year. I guess that's good news for yourself. Meanwhile, I still have 10.5 days to clear after taking a day this week and another day 2 weeks later. We have concerts every week in Oct, and almost all of Nov as well. 

I'm just tired thinking about it. On top of all these, more care package for the company and probably some events as well. Just afraid that at the end of the day I'm the one doing everything again. Like all the other care packages, whether was it under R-Team, company or the board's name. I did EVERY SINGLE THING for these 3 packages, under the name of everyone else. I think because I really just didn't know how to delegate work for others to help -- the reason I can never be a leader. Well, that's another story altogether. So I really want to give myself something good after all these ◡̈ 

Wished all these busy times were spent doing proper concerts instead. I really miss doing concerts after concerts, performing everywhere for everyone. We can only hope. 

Little happy things in life - Bday V34

So I always think that it's okay, my birthday is just another day, because my family is cool about celebrations all the time. We just take it as an excuse to eat something nice together. We don't even do all the cake cutting or bday songs most of the time. (also, just excuses to get cakes to eat. haha)

So this year, I decided to join my friend - June at her place, for our birthday, because same bday! Really fun and relaxing, just talk, eat, watch tv and play games. 

Speaking about this, it's quite amazing that I have really met a lot of friends who had the same bday as me. From pri school, it was Matthew Chin. And then there wasn't any in sec school though someone was rather near. But i knew Chek in JC and Tingkai in syco. And then I also got to know Jade from LASALLE. And then in SCO, there was Joshua and Kimberly, though both of them left. So there's June and I left in sco. Hahaha. 

Thankful for friends whom sent things to me, even though I already said I have loads of food in the fridge. HAHA! And I didn't even send anyone anything this year. :x I'm sure all my friends are more thoughtful than I ever am. Rach and Van went to queue for puff and peaks because I kept on posting that I didn't get to pre-order but didn't post when I finally did. The queue was crazy, but I'm glad they liked it too. (I think so lah hor) And Rach texted me to say she can share my things in the fridge just to confirm what I have but they happened to be already in the shop. HAHA! And delivered it to my place, and even sent me down to serangoon ◡̈

Then sushi also confirmed that I'm still at home and walked over with the delivery from Chye Seng Huat in the crazy weather. Lemon tart, banana walnut loaf and cold brews. Really happy leh! 

And the crazy girls who came to my door at 12am. To be honest, I checked their location. But I was almost sure they weren't doing it, and of course I forgot to prepare myself for it. So I was totally unglam even though I realised at the last few minutes that their location was off! But I also didn't put too much hope in it. Still, phone call came at 12am sharp. they were shocked my background was dark. (my entire house was already dark) I would have gone to sleep actually but decided to force myself to wait till 12am to see if miracles happened. HAHA. The reason I half expected this was because MH already knew I'm going to June's house so no way they can do it in the day. But I didn't guess what they will come with. This MH was asking me what do I always order from Mosanco cos I really always do and I thought she needed some advice. She came with 8 bottles! hahaha so whatever I said was ordered for me. LOL! 

I haven't had cold brew for quite some time and it was really a pleasant surprise. At least I could drink faster than I eat all those food so I was happy to receive them! 

Thankful for all these friends with efforts to my day special. I don't think I'm a really good friend to them. But after all these reflection recently, I will treat them better than I do. I even forgot that I wanted to get coffee for June. :( But I will definitely get her some the next time I see her. :) Because she got me a present too! yay!

Boss also told me she left my present on my desk and decided not to send food cos I have already gotten plenty. Came to work with a pleasant surprise of a mug filled with cats and local use of 'lah' i's a 'lah' mug. It was so cute! 

Thankful for little good things happening in life amidst all the bigger sadder things due to covid. :) 

Words of Schooling Memories

How often do you reminiscent about the past?

I thought I do it quite often, but we all only remember what we want to and also only remember it the way we want to, don't we?

There are some things that I always remember (whether always correctly or wrongly). Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm used to keeping a dairy since primary school and so I really have quite a substantial amount of records. Some of them I just want to flip through really fast because the contents were really boring and repetitive or it is something I really remembered so I didn't have to read it again. 

I have read each of my dairies a few times through the years and I'm sure I feel the same every time I read it again -- "I was really immature", "That was really stupid", "I should've known the ending then", "oh yes, that's exactly how I felt", "some things don't change", etc. Can't believe I wrote so much -- some really useless stuff. [Even now actually lol]

But all of those, was what made of my teenage years, whether or not some of the matters were really illogical, but I did those anyway. 

And then I also read all the cards (again as well) I have received over the years, and also messages friends have written for me, be it in my autograph book (it was such a hit last time) or on our class photo or a message in any sort. These are the things that I really forgot. Some cards were from friends I least expected, like we weren't even close or we have lost contact now. But, it also made me think that it was because I sent them something for the occasion and hence I got something in return. Thinking back, I really loved to send people cards, esp. for Christmas, and I was really afraid to miss out anyone so I really send it to everyone so I don't really care if that person is really a close friend. And from some of the cards, you could really tell you sent me one just because I did. But it's okay, I'm still happy to receive them and that's why I still have them till now. To be honest, I was so close to discarding some of them because I really wanted to declutter. But after posting on IG, a few friends asked me to keep them so I really did. After all, I was also rather hesitant to throw them in the first place. So I literally retrieve some of the items back from the bag of trash. 

And then, on the content, I realised many of my friends had written something along the line that I am lazy but smart, lazy but good in math (or just good in math), rather crazy, and ask me not to play but to study already. Things true friends say. I'm not even kidding but I was a little surprised. So I tried to think of crazy things I do or instances when I was in my crazy self, but I couldn't remember any. I have no idea why. All the remaining memories of my schooling days were how miserable I was. But I guess it wasn't all bad back in school. 

No matter what, it was interesting to go back to things I have written and things friends have written for me. And to remember that I had fun school days. And so, that small little clutter is still there to stay. :)

Plans vs Reality

Somehow, this thought came to me today. 

I cleared a little corner of my work station today, when no one told me I should do it. I think this is the rebellious side of me, all along since young. I hate it when I was told I need to practice my violin, and my mother never ever asked me to practice Erhu. Maybe that's why I practiced Erhu more than violin. I really only like to do things when I'm not being forced to. So even I have the urge to practice violin and my mother said I need to practice before I did, I won't even do it anymore. 

And example, my mother scold me for being messy, and ask me to do this and do that, depending on what is it, I may or may not do it, if I do, unwillingness is all over my face. But I like to do things in my own pace and I am willing to do that any time when I feel like it. So don't tell me what to do. 

And this is also probably the reason I really want to stay on my own in future. I was controlled my entire life, on what I should and shouldn't do. I hate it and it's really something I will to break away from. Recently, I'm also rather worried that this goal will be a little difficult to achieve because of the amount of money I need to save. And just today, I was thinking, how about I get a flat with another single? (who is definitely not my sister) But, what if the person also wants to tell me what to do with my life? I just want to be carefree with no one even asking why do I do something. But money is an issue. :(

Yes, there are plenty of options in life. And choices are always made with a reason or with limitations. It's true, that more assets call for more possibilities and choices, but I'm also a rather reserved person by nature. Happened to read something about this recently. I always say that self-help books are not for me, because even with the advices they provide, if I have had the ability to do it, I would have already done so. Maybe I should really change my opinions a little. I will continue to read on to decide. It's 蔡康永‘s 这是你的人生啊.

Oh well, I'm hoping things will get better. I'm also really trying to save more money. No new clothes is the most important. Also hope I will be able to sell off some of the clutter I have at home. hahaha. And I think I'm really just good with maybe a 3-room flat in future. If I could afford a 4-room it will be good but I doubt so. Looking at how my colleagues got theirs even with their pay range, I think it will be difficult for me to achieve better. Alternatively, I may really consider moving to less mature estate if it is really bad moving forward. 

I hope I will have the motivation to do what I should and continue. ◡̈ 

貓與狗

記得小時候我沒有那麼喜歡貓, 也許因為沒有甚麼接觸, 也許是因為二姐是愛狗之人, 身邊也只有養狗的人, 沒有人養貓, 所以對貓沒什麼感覺. 長大了以後, 看著家周圍的那些貓咪, 才漸漸對貓的關注越來越深. 

本來也覺得沒什麼, 就現在比較喜歡貓的個性. 今天看到朋友分享作家張曼娟在FB寫的一段話, 突然有一種'終於了解'的感覺. 她說她的朋友這麼形容她「我行我素，很有主見，又帶點神祕感，像貓一樣的女人。」雖然沒有人這樣形容我, 但我自己對號入座了. 這就是在形容我啊!

想起平時和朋友討論現在比較喜歡貓的原因, 也許因為比較沒責任感又懶, 就覺得貓不需要我那麼多的注意力和那麼有規律的生活 - 我不需要每天都帶它去樓下散步. 我不需要把我的所有時間都給它. 它不會一直黏著我, 真正需要我的時候才找我; 我需要它的時候可以去找它 (一廂情願的想法, 呵呵).

這點也讓我想到我身邊的朋友和我自己交友的狀況. 我不需要一直關注我的朋友或男朋友(如果將來有的話), 我也不希望需要一直去關注甚麼人. 我覺得我不需要一直去取悅甚麼人, 像貓一樣. 我也不想要有狗一直跟著我, 這樣會讓我沒有空間, 喘不過氣. 所以我要的不是人, 就是一隻貓?

唉... 難怪了...

It's all about looking back and looking forward

Best 3 moments of 2020

1. Spending (a lot) more time at home and with family. Esp. my parents. Understanding and being more patient with them in the year. It's a test for myself as well. There were a lot of meltdowns in the beginning but we all made it together. Mum is better than expected while sometimes Dad is problem. 

2. Though meeting up is more difficult, but it also meant that meet-ups were more meaningful. Due to many constraints, meet up with people who are important, and cared enough to want to meet me too. Because contrary to popular belief, I'm not quite sociable, and I do not take initiative (most of the time). So I'm glad that friends still remember me and sometimes pull me out of my shell to go out. I spent more of the time at home since Apr's CB, and is rather comfortable doing so. Hence, I haven't really find the need to ask people out. So I'm really thankful for all the food deliveries, care and concern people around has given to me. And esp. when visiting or dining out was impossible during my birthday, I felt loved, even though it doesn't seem a lot, it is more than what I usually have. 

3. Had a good appraisal for the year, even though I was slightly thinking that I may not have deserved it due to the lack of work when CB started. I always say that I do not like changes. But habits can really be grown, and even though I do not like the changes, I think I adapt pretty fast. And probably it's just my happy-go-lucky personality that allowed me to pull through so many different tasks away from my normal tasks during this period of time. And glad that I haven't made it worse for the other departments which I have to cover for. :) Good experience overall! It was when I realised that their job is really not easy at all even though most of the time it is manual work. It also requires good coordination between everyone, good job delegation and planning, good memory, and definitely needs some practising. Even so, I am still so much more nervous than doing my normal job because I made mistakes during rehearsals! And also placed one of their instruments wrongly during one of the shows. I will never look at their job and responsibilities the same again.

Worst 3 moments of 2020

1. Of course, it comes with the virus. Had to cancel my trip to Japan, first thing first. Just when I finally decided that Japan is my next destination for travel. And at current they are not getting any better, so I doubt the trip will be any time soon, and my air ticket is still on hold. 

2. The moment I realised that some friends are not worth my prioritisation anymore. I don't know how I could ever make it better. I know that some friends in the group are definitely worth keeping and I know they feel the same. But the other few, I don't know. I just don't know.

3. Probably the worst but also one of the best. Went for a few walks (like really a few only), and one of them was in a heavy rain. All wet but still happy at the end of the day. 

(psst: it was really hard for me to come up with 'worst moments' because if it's not that bad I really probably won't remember it)

Top 3 goals for 2021

1. Be a better person, better daughter, better sibling, better friend, better colleague.

2. Still play the guitar when we get to the end of covid

3. save more than 10K by end of the year 

Doesn't seem a lot but it takes a lot to do it. oh well. :) For a better year and years ahead!

35岁的目标 -- 反思与提醒

 一直都没有忘记35歲的目标, 也在努力地实现它们。

1. 還是存錢，雖然還是沒存到很多。哈哈還是買房子吧。一定要有自己住的地方。
2. 還要做喜歡的事情--現在的工作。
3. 一年至少表演一场。不然全部都会忘掉的，而且真的会懒惰。
4. 去一次美国、意大利、日本、韩国
5. 学一学钢琴／吉他

第一个是一定要达成的，还在努力的存钱中，虽然还是有很多未知数 -- 不知道存的钱够不够，不知道买了房子会不会就要吃草了。不知道如果真的不够应不应该向我爸或我姐开口借。我真的希望可以不用到他们的前去实现这件事。但是，虽然我想好了可以买得到房子的钱，我忘了要装修，要买家具，要买电器的钱。这下完了。我还妄想着要拥有其它的东西 -- 一台黑胶唱机 （也就是说也要花钱买唱片 -- 而且听说中文的唱片一般比较贵）还有，一定要养一只猫。哈哈哈！这几年迷猫这件事是真的。这样的话，虽然说是35岁的目标，我可以再缓一年左右。现在我还有一年半左右到35岁，有一点不太确定到时能不能达到。其实今年算是已经有帮忙到了，因为没法出国的关系，虽然好像还是没有没有很多，但可以省的还是多了一点。

第二个，依然喜欢着现在的工作。很感谢同事们都对我很好，非常非常的欣慰。也感谢今年老板对我的评价好的胜于坏的。虽然觉得音乐总监对我应该没什么影响，也大半时候都没有一起工作，而且评语应该是随便编出来的，但有那么一点我觉得受用了 -- 我可以尝试用不同的方式跟演奏家沟通。嗯，这是对的，也许我应该想一想这一点。没想到我的一小些不经意的关心会带来这些好的评语，有些意外。我可以了解同事的所谓“我们只是同事”，我不需要在工作外跟他有接触。别人也可以用在你身上。其实演奏员只要有意思跟你交往就是一件好事。虽然很多事情我们行政这里不能用“交情”去做，但他们却可以，所以有交情是非常重要的。我也没有非要讨好谁，而且一直都在我可以接受的范围内帮忙或不帮忙。反正我们都是有道理的修正同事的疑问，真的没什么好怕。那如果你要这么公私分明就彻底的公私分明啊。不要总说一套做一套的。又不是说你没有会在工作以外有来往的演奏家同事。真的翻白眼... 说话是大声了，做的呢？虽然得承认，有些事的确是他处理的方式不一样，而且也很好。

第三... 今年真的沒有。明年和以后的几年我都尽量，因为有可能我已经退到不行了。明年看看吧，也希望我还有想要练习的心。呵呵

第四... 本来今年要去的日本，因为疫情没去成。美国和欧洲，也因为疫情，暂时不会想去。有可能这几年如果可以的话，还是在台湾、日本、纽西兰（新西兰）、韩国(?) 这些地方开始吧。也好。

第五个！总算有一个能做的。因为时间允许，所以报了吉他班。学了一些基本的和弦，拨弦，和弹法。还不错。至少能弹出一些东西。还蛮开心的，至少做了一样比较像样的事情。现在基本上工作有多多少少回到轨道，比较忙了，开始有一些周末要上班，就很难学了。幸好在所有工作恢复前，上完了基本课。:) 

接下来，想学的是冲咖啡了。哈哈。最近朋友有想创业的想法，所以更有动力了一些。接下来的两年，继续加油，也希望所有的情况都会好一些 -- 虽然也已经习惯了这样的生活，但每天都戴口罩真的好不ok... 

全世界都加油！

終極三國，我就是愛！

很奇怪，我超喜歡終極三國，也看了不只一次，但是我卻從來沒有紀錄下來過。怎麼找都找不到。

只能說，有些劇情雖然不記得了。有些還是蠻深刻的，而且台詞我都能背起一些了，梗我都會了。看的心境竟然還是一樣的。喜歡大哥假劉備(脩)的穩重、關羽的正直、超的冷笑話，阿香的浪漫和孫權的機車但又心軟的個性。以上只屬本人的看法和喜好。

這次邊看劇時，邊記下了一些感想。

1. 再看一次終極三國

沒想到我會再認真的看一次終極三國。有些感覺還是一樣，有時更感慨。

感慨的是這些人都有能擔心，有想保護的人，也是一種福氣。而我不知道為什麼這樣的感覺會讓我這麼的感慨。就因為我以為我可以放下所有的感情，不再去想，覺得自己可以很好。就算有人問我，我也可以很自信的說我很好，我沒有想過要一個家，一直覺得自己不需要人關心，不需要對任何人交代是一件美好的事情。但我現在連看到角色可以為暗戀的對象做些什麼都覺得可以為人操心是一件很幸福的事。

我，怎麼了？

相愛的人，讓人羨慕。心繫在一起的，有心靈感應的，更讓人羨慕。脩和阿香便是。他們能感應到彼此就在附近，雖然演戲是假的，但有一種莫名的感動。

唉... 看戲真的是我的弱點。

此時此刻的我，在哭。哭得有一點點慘。但是具體在哭什麼，我也說不清楚。唉...

2. 终极三国继续逼哭我

没想到从真刘备回来了再走开始，喜剧就朝着悲剧的方向发展了。突然想起，后面几集我以前也哭得超惨的。也就是说后半段的戏都是有哭点的戏，我的无聊喜剧到底在哪里啦！😤

看哭戏真的很烦讷！现在眼睛超痛。💢🤬真的超不爽。剩下最后5集了。有点不舍得看完......

3. 完结

一不小心就还是把最后几集一次过看完了。

还是好感动，好感动。有出生入死的兄弟真好。五虎将对大哥的支持和力挺是最让人感动的。我可以理解时间过的太久，他们都忘了还有真刘备这个人。而且，刘备掩饰得相当的好，只是，真心是不会说谎的。看他是真刘备的样子的时候还真想打他。野心和奸诈都写在脸上。假刘备脩却真的是以多方面思考，会考虑所有人。而他最难的却是做自己，真心佩服。

有爱情真好。阿香和脩最让人羡慕。从各个时候，信任、感应、心灵上、到后面的牺牲和冒险，你有愿意让你这样做的人吗？

有哥哥真好。就算再讨厌，也只有自己能欺负，别人都不许的感觉，真好。

就是看到自己没有的，才会觉得好吧......

不知不觉又把53集的终极三国看完了多一遍。很多时候很瞎，但也让人学到了很多。我觉得，我很有可能会再看过，因为真的太喜欢了。只是... 我现在需要冰敷眼睛睡觉了。😅

#如此如此这般这般 #大吃一斤 #不翼而飞 #九九乘法表 #好说好说 #说曹操曹操就到 #大哥说的一定是对的 #我相信大哥 #好氣好氣找個人來消消氣 #舉腳 #勾勾腳

真的，很白癡的內容真的很多，但都是我喜歡的調調。上數學課和中文課是我最喜歡的，怎麼會這麼好笑。喔，不對，是他們平時在說中文和突然的需要算數的時候都是。💧✨🌬😎😈👩‍❤️‍👨🐓💢❗️❓💬 還有這些最常出現的表情特效，就是很粗劣的特效但是還是有效就對了。笑話也真的就是我喜歡的類型。呵呵

雖然後面真的哭得太多了，總體來說還是好笑的。尤其諸葛亮和孫權出來後還蠻有笑點的。還是那句話，就是太喜歡了。喜歡到有很長的一段時間我口裡說的都是終極三國。呵呵。現在又來了。二姐已經受不了我，說我竟然還可以再看完整部劇。53集真的不短，而且我不是第一次把它看完。😅

到最後，我也許就是希望我有個像脩的男朋友，和孫權的哥哥。所以... 我想當的是孫尚香吧？呵呵。貂嬋太軟弱、小喬太混亂、大喬太兇，還是孫尚香好了。關羽太直、呂布不懂愛、雲和忠對我來說不特別、飛就是屁孩，超是我覺得帥的，但是有時太瞎。還是大哥好了，雖然大哥是最矮的。但其實孫權為男朋友也不錯，也長得帥。繼續做夢了。謝謝。

20 years? And I guess not counting.

Thinking about it. How long has it been since the last I ever blogged about this group of friends as a whole, on something happy and worth saying. I've stopped, because I feel meaningless doing it after all these years of trying. 

We have known each other for 20 years. We probably hang out more after we got into the same class and I believed some of them might have felt obliged to be part of this group even if they have never wanted to be. And honestly, we didn't want to leave out anyone. 

If I have to recall all the things we have done, it wasn't smooth from the start. Probably ever since we left sec school. But same thing, feeling obliged because we started out together. Yes, we met a lot, with or without everyone. We did a lot of things together. But I'm not sure if it was because all of us were just coincidentally free or it was purely a choice of priority. If it was the priority, then what changed us? 

After trying so many years, eventually I got tired as well. It's hard to forge friendship, but it is also harder to keep it. It is really because I'm not doing enough? I spent 3 days 3 nights to make them handmade gifts for christmas. I didn't even make it for anyone else. I did until my back was stiff, my thighs were sore from sitting on the stool for too long and my thumb was numb from all the double-sided tape peeling. And yet, after the day it got given out, no one ever mentioned it again. And also sadly, some people inside have broken up. I have never in my life did so much for my friends, although I felt nervous and happy at that time, after that I really felt a little unappreciated. 

Nonetheless, I did another handmade gift for them the following year. I spent a lot of time on this because I didn't know if it will be successful or not and it will take a few days to get the results, meaning if it fails I have to try again. So I had to test it out way ahead. Spent many nights and a few shopping trips trying to figure things out. Succeeded in the end and I was actually quite pleased with the end product. And they were the only people I did for. But of course, same thing. I was excited to show it but other than the besties, the rest are like, probably didn't know what to do with it. I have never seen them as well. 

相遇難... 可相知相惜更難。

I can never get my priorities right, can I? I mean, just by reading back my posts, I had so much frustration with this group of friends. And now it's either they are not interested, not free and simply doesn't reply at all. Of course, not all of us may have been there with each of us when we went through things. It's a choice isn't it. When I sense some things and tried to reach out, some didn't take my hand either. I'm also saying this because when I reacted to their stuff on social media, I got 0 respond like I was a stranger. What to do leh? So honestly, it's really like we sort of lost contact. And after I have stopped asking for meet-ups, no one ever asked as well. Maybe not just me, but probably just max. 3 of us, the rest have never ever initiated a meet-up before. So it was all along a 'ok, by the way I'm free' kind of thing, and now obviously more are less free so cannot be bothered also. 

I get it. Who says friends that you know in sec school are friends that will stick together forever? Without everyone's effort, how is it going to even continue? We have been through so much together in sec sch, not just studying in the same class, even in the same cca, some of us see each other 7 days a week, knew some of each other's secrets back then. But so what? Anyone could be easily replaced. I am not exactly sad about this? Just a little disappointed, like I always said. 

I even set up a blog for us before. Did everything right down to coding the page with blogskin that was designed by me. But, no one cares. Ok, probably the same 3 or 4 people did. 

點點滴滴的確很難記得，畢竟大家生活的方向不同，生活方式不同。但我不明白的是，當我想要接觸你的時候，沒有得到任何的回應。是不想嗎？是我的問題嗎？I even tried to reconnect recently because I got some nostalgic photos we took in sec school. But the response was so cold I cannot even continue. 

In the past I always saved my time for them during important occasions, I always put meeting with them as priority, including cny, christmas, national day, birthdays, countdown even. But slowly, the cold responses never failed to make me disappointed but time after time I still made them the priority, till we do not meet anymore because I got tired of asking. Maybe my expectation was too high each time. And I guess the importance of each other is measured differently, esp. as time goes by. So much so that I don't feel like they are my priority anymore as well. And that's also why we had so many small groups branching from there because most of the times only the few will be interested. And then lesser, and lesser, to the point, even I have no idea now. The last time we all met for such occasion was 1 Jan (I think), 2 years ago. The rest are like thanks to one of us having baby, which I unfortunately really couldn't attend the full month and first birthday. I guess we are just not worth each other's time, most of the time. Not sure what the rest thinks, some probably wants to reconnect only if asked. What's left in the group chat is really just birthday wishes mostly. 

I'm also not saying that I'm the only person who put in effort for this friendship. I really don't know what the others think about this. Still, overall, it's quite sad. I know, most of us are introvert, I'm probably the most extroverted introvert (when I'm being forced to), does that justify? I'm also not trying to victimise myself to say that I did all the work or whatever, recently someone else also asked the smaller group if want to go hiking together, but you see, people only replied when they are being pointed out. And still, at the end of the day, someone didn't reply at all, although she is considered the closer one. But who knows, people change. Ok, I'm not putting in enough effort. So I also don't have many friends. 

I'm introvert, there's only so much I can do. And I really hate 热脸贴冷屁股... Faced it so much that I got enough. oh wells. 

可惜吗？也许吧。但是，如果你心中的那些人不在乎，那你怎么在乎都没有用。只觉得可惜是我自认为我们以前还蛮好的。或许也是我没有放太多心思在他们身上吧。

It's been 10 years, my friend.

This post has to be today. 30 Aug 2020. 

I know, it was really a bad idea to revisit memories in the middle of the night. I did it anyway, and emotions just filled my entire body after watching the videos again. To be honest, most of us may have already forgotten about this, ok I'll just speak for myself. It wasn't until the memories of this day on FB that the memories started flooding back at me. but well. see this page for the post. Bye Joel Tan

I can only say that it's really easy for human to forget something and pick up a new habit. We probably only really skyped in the first year he left. And after that it was just birthday wishes and of course, that died down as well. The last we had a short exchange was his birthday last year. And that marks 15 years from when we met. That was crazy, and now he's already been away to Toronto for 10 years and I don't even know what he is doing anymore. And, when the sy people are together (which is also quite non-existent), no one talked about him anymore. It's just a little disheartening to know that this is exactly how humans work. You built up this relation because of work, the things you do together daily - if not often enough. And then when you move on to something else, it's just hard to keep maintaining every single relation you have forged. 

It's true, at the end, we move on with our lives. I'm even close to most of them now. I don't even remember how he sounded like and do not know if he sound the same now. So I happen to scroll through his fb to see if there were any traces of past friendship - none. Except for yvonne writing him birthday wishes once 3 years ago. And that's it. But I also came across a podcast he was working with his schoolmates, so I listened to the part he spoken in. The voice is so foreign, I wouldn't have recognised it if it wasn't for the fake that he introduced himself. Just felt a little mind blown and a little sad. That's all. 

I mean I still remember this friend, I'm quite sure he still remembers us all and will any time welcome us to visit him. Yup, 10 years have passed and none of us visited Toronto, neither did he come back at all, he wasn't intending to anyway. But still, I kind of miss this friend, especially when I was reminded how much fun and how much crazy things we did together in the past. I really love him as a friend, if I could, I would even love him as a person (kidding) all these years because he is worth it. And actually, I really want to plan to visit him when I can. I still have the hope to see him and to reconnect again some day. 

Not saying that anyone is at fault or it is unique to this case, but that's exactly how people are now. 

How often do you tell friends/colleagues/people who are leaving your daily life 'Hey, let's keep in touch!', or 'Hey, let's meet up soon!' Maybe I was being naive all the while, but I would really take these words to heart and I would think that someone who said it, mean it. I don't remember when was the last time I said something along this line, because I know I may not do it anyway, so I don't say it. Only to come to disappointment of course. Don't use these words so easily, just don't. I'm mindful of using them because I know how it felt to have people telling me these but I have never met them since. And I really understand how people come and go in my life, so really no hard feelings, and don't have to be politically correct.

You may say that I can make the first move. Right! I could. But I actually also couldn't, I'm an extroverted introvert. Taking the initiative is not quite my thing unless necessary. Maybe because they are not that important to me too afterall, as much as I'm also not that important to them. To think about it, these are really usually said by outgoing people. And they probably don't mind people telling them the same but don't do it. Maybe it's also just me. Nevermind.

Oh well, I also understand that's why I have lesser and lesser friends now. Like look at this period. Without work on weekends and weekday nights, I'm almost home all day. I'm like the freest person around and I don't even really have the urge to go out with anyone. But I'll be ready to accept any invitation to go out. There isn't many, and sometimes, I'm also slightly reluctant. Anyway, I also tried, and failed a few times. In the end, I went on my own. Also, I've made moves so many times, but I'm just, ignored and still the same. 

All right... it's just me! No hard feelings at all. 

I still miss you Joel. (every now and then hehe)

Dramas (I wished I hadn't)

Sometimes I really wonder if it's really a good idea to watch dramas.

I get so absorbed into the characters and the actors in real life. So I'm always into looking for info about them, of course, can't wait to know more synopsis of the drama first. And if I find someone I'm attracted to, I will start looking up for shows he or she (usually he) acted in. That's how it works I guess. The difficult part is really withdrawing from the characters I like. And I think every single time I wished someone like that would appear in my life, only to realise how miserable my life has been and still is. That's probably why I also stopped for a period of time. Without new inputs, I just occasionally think about some characters I liked in the past, but with new ones it was really difficult to not think about it. 

The last time I'm into watching Korean drama was 2018, whereby somehow I watched a few, mostly because of the cast - someone I really like, eg. Lee Minho, Jung Yonghwa, Park Shinhye, Lee Bo-yong, Ji Chang-wook, and sometimes other members of cnblue. So I usually pick on actors rather than story or ratings. Even so, there were quite a number I didn't watch. And hence, I seldom watch the most popular shows unless they coincide - the actor and ratings. But, I also expanded the list of likes. 

Busy work life have made it also rather difficult for me to catch up with all the drama going on. I don't really have a TV to watch at home (I still don't except for late into the nights, like now). Being a rather emotional person, it was impossible to watch anything outside home. Tried and tested so many times. Whenever I find something new that I can't wait to watch, I never go past 1 episode on the bus, in the office, or wherever else I was. Then I was reminded why I hadn't do that for a long time. I always wonder how other people do it. I really only could do variety shows like Runningman on the go. Even so, I haven't watched Runningman for probably 2 years before I start catching up again since Apr this year.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the pandemic have allowed me more time at home, and caught up with a few recent (mostly) dramas. Also, succumbed to online subscriptions because after all, I only have the choice of watching shows online, and I was tempted by colleagues on recent shows. I finally started in May and I really just jumped into watching them. 

Surprisingly, I've finished watching a few, on and off a few after some breaks in between.

1. Hospital Playlist
The show I immediately jumped into. It was really nice, heartwarming and funny most of the time. Love the chemistry between the actors and how the show was presented. I was rather crazy over the show I would say. So much so, I really finished it within like 2 weeks, while also working and caught up to the latest episode before it was first aired. And ended up discussing the show with many people - and had a group chat changed the group name to include the drama. Subsequently, produced a cover video for one the songs in the drama. Yup, that was how crazy we were. I wouldn't mind watching the show again, and of course, waiting for the next season to come out. I just love all the cast and their stories so much! 

2. Prison Playbook

Following the above, colleague also suggested I watch this one as they were under the same production team. Indeed, I love the show. Of course, I also finished it quite fast, by binge watching at night only. Love the humour and the same actor from Hospital Playlist - Jung Kyung-ho. He has this comical element in him in both shows that makes him so adorable. My fav actor in both shows. 

3. Sweet Munchies

Watched this because of actor Jung Il-woo, took serious notice of him only in Cinderella and the Four Knights (which was probably the last korean drama I blogged about, that was in 2017, and back then I watched because of Lee Jungshin). It turned out to be rather funny, thought provoking and educational. Ok, not exactly but it was still nice. He became a gay chef on a TV programme because he was desperate for money, and wanted to quit after the pilot episode but things got bigger it became a regular. Things became more complicated as he developed feelings for the female lead and the second male lead developed feelings for him. It was so obvious he does but I think as a straight guy, he just didn't notice it, until he expressed his affection for him. Throughout the show my OS was really: 'it is so obvious', he's really not hiding it real well. Then again, no one else in the show noticed as well. Fine.

4. The King

Of course, because of Lee Minho, my number 1. But, there was no strong desire to continue although he is really handsome in the show. I think it's because of the storyline, not exactly captivating. The only captivating element is Lee Minho himself. Most of the reviews were negative on the show as a whole, and also on his acting. To me, I don't really care. I'm just biased towards him. But true to discussion with colleague, they always portray him as 高富帅 (which are all true), and that's why it loses the xfactor sometimes because that's all he is. Nothing changed and hence people don't buy it. 

5. Was It Love (ongoing)

I watched it because of Song Jihyo. Slightly surprised by the story and her character, but she really has the charm. Contrary to popular believes, I really like the male lead - Son Ho-jun, even though he is the shortest amongst the 4 main male characters. But I really like his role, and how he did it. A little childish, but still cares and goes all out. (I realised this is what I like in guys, in all the shows I watched). And I don't think he is less handsome than the others. (I'm saying this because I saw some comments while searching on the drama info). He was also compared to the other 3 in the drama - that he is the shortest and the least handsome. True for the first but not true to the second. The worse suspend in the show is I can't wait to find out who is the father of Song Jihyo's daughter. The drama hasn't ended yet so I couldn't find any answer. We will soon find out! 6 episodes in 3 days. I slowed down a little since the final episode will be next week.

6. Backstreet Rookie 

Of course, I wanted to watch this because of Ji Chang-wook. However, it is only aired on TV, and did I already mentioned about watching the TV at home? So I saw 2 episodes on one of those days I was on leave and the TV was free in the day, and that was it. I haven't catch up with the rest after that. I will!

7. Running Man

Not drama but I finally decided to start watching runningman again. 10years into their making and honestly, even though the format now is totally different from what they started out with, the show is still funny! I guess it's not just song but also the singer(s). I really have to applaud most of them, even the youngest(s) in the group are 34yo this year. It is amazing how they could still do this, esp. when the oldest is like 54yo? And so, I have successfully caught up with the latest episode this year, and going back to what I missed out from last year backwards.

Other than all these, the only other drama I binge watched was 我们与恶的距离, because of 贾静雯 and 曾沛慈. But I was totally surprised by the entire work. Evoked so much emotions with reality of life, emotions overtaking rational thoughts, mental illness, work ethics (media mainly, a little of law) and how the netizens and general views on social problems actually enlarge them more than what they should be. That was really one show the emotions took over me so much that I had to pause the show several times to calm myself down and catch my breathe from all the crying before continuing. And yet, I just couldn't stop watching it. Every character was so well-crafted I can't even decide who was better. There were only 10 episode, but I cried so badly for most of the episodes, late into the night and had swollen eyes the next day.

Where will I go from here, I have no idea. Sometimes the fire or desire to watch dramas just rise and die suddenly I don't know when will it happen again. Meanwhile, I'm somehow hoping this peaceful period continue to last a little longer. It will be good while it lasted (only because I still have a job). 

For the rest, I hope it will be over soon. 

我的太空人一号

“太空人已连接”

是我这几个月最喜欢听到的话。他让我什么时候都想用一用耳机。（虽然本来就常用）

今天（25.7.2020) 我的太空人竟然不见了。。。

完全在伤心中... 只是... 又能怎么样呢？能做的我已经做了。只能怪自己真的太粗心。后悔也没有。早知道也没用。

It felt like I never had any affinity with earphones/earpieces. Oh man... I lost quite a few of them and spoil a few as well, within like the 1 - 2 years? Or all along. I remember I had this rather cute doraemon one, and I only used it for a while before it got caught onto something while I was walking and poof! the cord snapped and that was the end of it. 

The jays earpiece. Put one into the washer after say a year? And lost the 2nd one after a month, unknowingly. I still have the 3rd one though. But let's not jinx it. 

And so, I'm still going to get my 2nd pair of the 太空人 because, I need that Qingfeng voice. 

而且，他们售后服务真的蛮不错的。既然钱都要花的，就花在我喜欢的吧。他说会给我打折，希望会有。其实就算没有，我还是会买的。只是可能会在迟疑一下下。没想到马上就下单了，这应该是他们的行销手法吧。哈哈。遇到这种事，总会买账的吧。以后小心一点就是了。

以自己的声音宣布 - “太空人已失联”

准备迎接太空人二号。

Someone else's birthday altogether

COVID brought out a lot of creativity in most of us. It started of cos, by seeing others doing it. And I really want to send something to my best friend for many years during her birthday since we couldn't meet. I wanted to do it myself but I decided to get the others to do it with me cos I know they will. It was a success but she could have opened the door earlier. Hahaha!

And then we all still couldn't meet, and thankful fav bakery is opened so I could send love to Minhui and Rachel. Rainbow cake for both of them, but Minhui's topped with soju and beer! I'm happy to do it anyway. Could have done better for Rachel if I had asked earlier so that I could get the purple ombre cake. Still, colourful cake worked well for the kids too!

So anyway, I tried not be boring since we have opened up a little more by July. And then proceed to screw it up. HAHA.

Surprise visit to Boyi for his birthday, ended up texting in the wrong group chat at the very last minute just before we parked in their condo. It was a really facepalm moment, and the worse was when lixian replied. I really almost killed myself. Maybe the rest also wanted to kill me HAHAHA (and lixian) I don't know who is worst. What to do when you have such a smart friend. Epic moment also, when we were outside the place and trying to light the candle but couldn't do it with the lighter gun which gives out very loud clicks. Luckily he wasn't in the living room, but still.... he already knew about it... Boohoo! But glad that we managed to gather for a while, a pity only 5 can visit but we maximise it anyway. It was fun though and I hope it's memorable for birthday boy (30 already). 

Things are getting back to normal mostly and I know that such things are hard to plan from then without being exposed. It is fun while it lasted. :) 

Let's see what we can do for the rest for their 30th birthday. :)

Birthday V.33

June passed by so quickly, not sure was it because I was on leave most of the days so time really passes in a blink (sleep in my case). 

Let's just recap a little on the birthday. Despite the many things we couldn't do this year, really thankful for friends who put me into their thoughts. I really didn't expect most of the love I received on that day. Not sure what I have done in my life to deserve all these people. I was touched by every single one of them because nobody sent me anything I didn't like on my birthday. I can't even put it out like what I'd prefer from what I received. But steamboat was definitely the most amazing. Because it fed all of us, including my erjie and bil. Thankful too that they were allowed to come over then. There there were cupcakes, taiwan food, bbt, cakes and ice-cream! I've been contemplating ice-cream for the longest because there's not space in the freezer most of the time but le mother couldn't complain when it's from someone else. And pretty long lasting dried/fake flowers too! It was just.. pure amazing that things happened this way. I was so well taken care of the entire day that some of the things doesn't matter anymore. And wow, this is probably the only year that we are able to do things like that. 

Not much feelings towards the birthday, but I felt blessed even during a period like that. Friends who gave selflessly. We couldn't meet so I won't mind if we can't celebrate. They sent me things that they couldn't enjoy with me. Just by the thought of spending that sort of money and time to think of what to send me is already something I couldn't ask for more. It is definitely a different birthday after all. 

With Taiwan food (my fav 卤肉饭 and Meesua and BBT!!!) from the syco大人s who thought that I'll be sad not being able to be in Taipei "my homeland" during my birthday, so they gave me a pseudo taiwan trip. They even got to my sister to plan it so that I will not get lunch. The thought of it is just... I'm so touched! (although I got confused as I thought sis ordered lunch but didn't know that the lunch is from them)

I got ice-cream from SSS (sushi, siyih & sylvia), from gelatissimo and got another pint of ice-cream from joanna. Ice-cream is always on my mind. hahaha

I got cupcakes from qin and my hospital playlist girls (Minhui, von and Shihui). There were too many so erjie took some. But the ice-bear ones were pretty! 

I got colourful mermaid drink and cheesecake from le colleague QW. Delivery person didn't give me the receipt nor told me who is it. So had to do a shoutout on IG. WHICH... also happened exactly the same on his bday! HAHA It's so funny!

Got a bottle of jap wine from Ting-Yu. Can't wait to try it! Yup, I haven't. But I will. After which.. a few days later, Fontane also gave me a soju (peach) and a pack of korean snack so that I can experience Korea at home! HAHA my friends know me well. 

And the SHE girls are the ultimate! To send me some very pretty dried flowers and then the steamboat. The flowers came first so I really had no expectations that the steamboat followed. They went to the extend to use MW's sis to msg me on whatsapp so I can't suspect anyone. Indeed, I had tried to guess for the first few days and then I gave up. They were one of the possibility but there was no way I could find out. 

And yup, my sister came with a cake! Nice yummy really rich chocolate cake from all time fav Lynda Ann's. We finished that in one seating. Nothing was left. Also another blessing in disguise since I haven't been able to celebrate my birthday with the family on the actual day for many years (for several reasons). So this also gave us this chance to be together on this day! And it's also thanks to the steamboat! 

Except for good memories for the day. 

I actually also spent most of the day doing nothing and then filming for the hospital playlist video. And then coincidentally, a few things I bought also came on that day. So all in all, fulfilling day! LOL!

1206 Past Year Events

With CB also comes slightly more time on my own, means slightly more time to blog as well.

The month of June had always been exciting yet scary for me, ever since I don't know when. I'm not sure if the other June babies actually feel the same as me. But I remember feeling rather sad in school because no one really cares about June (and end Nov/Dec babies) because it's school holidays. And hence, no one really remembers or will celebrate with me. So far in my entire school life, I only celebrated birthday once in my school - Nursery at 4yo! And that's it. (Although there were some occasions my few friends do meet up with me to celebrate, I can talk about that later)

And as far as I remembered, only had 1 formal celebration ever, at 21yo. And that's all. I do understand that birthdays mean a lot for many, having parties and all. It was always a dilemma to me. I want people to care and celebrate for me, but I do not like the attention. You know the struggle? I'm not one of those who could take intimacy and compliments comfortably. I get uneasy and nervous when something like that happens. So I am also not the sort that will tell people that 'Hey, my birthday is coming up soon, shall we plan something? Or can we go somewhere?'

In the nearer years (maybe to what this blog can remember), I feel that I am sort of running away from my birthday whenever I could. Running away meaning to not allow people to ask me out. But actually, not many people ask me out on my birthday also, so I'd rather run away and pretend that all these couldn't happen. Many of my friends will probably classify me as extrovert - judging from how talkative I can be when I'm with them. Yup, only happens when we are in a group and probably when someone started the ball rolling. So, I have heard friends saying they would think I am always busy meeting people (sometimes true) and I most probably won't be free on my birthday, and so... I always end up without any dates on the actual day. Slightly sad. So I secretly plan quite a number of trips during my birthday. If not, I'd be going to work since no one date me out and my parents don't really care it's my birthday (I don't think they remember the date, tested and proven). And honestly, I never ever request or expect my friends to celebrate with me when we are on the trip, because to me it's good enough that I have company for the day.

Let's recall...

2019: Planned a trip to Taiwan with one of the closest group of friends - the syco大人s (most of them) - Van, Rach (&Ronnie), Boyi, Coconuts and Lixian. They did make the effort to get cakes without me realising. I really didn't suspect anything. Flew on the day of my bday. Also, delighted to receive a birthday greeting from the custom officer checking passports just after passing through the automated machines. Really made my day!

2018: Went to work on actual day. Had lunch with colleague at the now-closed Dulcet & Studio cafe at V Shenton. And had a pandan cake for celebration. Ramadan market after work and late night steamboat at Beauty in The Pot at the then ONEKM Mall (now KINEX) with Minhui and Ruching before getting home to get ready for a morning flight next day. And I was so full so I only ate 1 of the mini cupcakes from the entire tray and left the rest for the family. So I went to Myanmar with Sylvia, Sushi and Siyih accommodating to each other's schedule so the trip was rather short. But enjoyable, and I also didn't suspect a single thing when my friend here arranged with the hotel (one of her company group's hotel) to throw me a small party. I was really really really awkward I didn't know what I was supposed to do except to keep saying thank you.

2017: Actual day was in the midst of the trip of my life (for now) - London, Brussels and Paris. We arranged to go to Harry Potter Studio on that day. Experience of a lifetime right? No, I didn't tell the park it was my birthday so I didn't push the door open. I was too chicken to do it. HAHA. But I was glad the day passed peacefully, mostly in silence too. Nonetheless, I got tonnes and tonnes of love from my friends and colleagues. Colleagues recorded a birthday song for me with a cake (cake for colleague whose birthday also on the same day)! And flowers from the Royal Family although I never see it IRL, it withered before I returned from the trip.

2016: Friends asked me out! Woohoo! Marina Barrage with a few friends and thankful for them.. Siyih, Sylvia and Ling. :) I would have stayed at home if not for them.

2015: Went to work because... First month at work. But had enough cakes for the day. Lunch with Huilin and Rebecca and they got me a cake after lunch. Met my sister for Kit Chan's concert at night, she also got me cakes too!

2014: My most miserable year by far. Didn't have a job, running out of savings too. It was so bad. And I literally spent the day alone after having lunch with my dad. I guess he didn't even realised it was my birthday. I wanted to spend it with my parents but my mum went out, I guess she didn't remember as well. Although if you look at my instagram or the post of that year's birthday, there seems to be a lot of things going on in the month, but most of them were deemed part of my birthday because I made them. It wasn't exactly true that they were birthday celebrations. Anyway, on the actual day. I went to cycle on my own, because I can't spend too much money and I just needed to be alone since no one asked. I think that was the period I cried the most, but still appear to be happy most of the time.

2013: Taiwan! It's funny but I also flew to Taiwan on the actual day. With 1 friend - Sushi. Although I was ready to do a solo trip then, but it was good to have a companion since I wasn't soooo familiar with Taipei then. She treated me to Ding Tai Fung. I was happy enough to be able to go for that trip because I get to see Sodagreen's concert.

2012: Didn't blog about this year's birthday. I think I met the usual friends - Ling for lunch and then with the others - probably Yih, Sylvia and Sushi for dinner and movie? Maybe or maybe just dinner.

2011: Actual day in the midst of my Australia trip with Ling, Sylvia and Horng. They braved the cold at midnight to try to get me a cake while I was bathing. I was super touched. And we went on for good food all day long - Sydney Fish Market and also met my cousin and his then still girlfriend (now wife) for dinner and desserts. Really grateful for friends like them.

2010: Had a buffet lunch with the family and then watched an SCO concert. I think I met the rest of the sy people for dinner and they celebrated for me before we went to the concert.

2009: I was working (also new to the job so no leave) and watched an SCO concert at night. HAHA!

2008: It was my 21st Birthday. Nothing really happened on the actual day although we bumped in to the chalet, it was a weekday. According to blog, we went to kbox. HAHA! And I just played Wii with erjie and royston korkor. Although the weekend was really eventful. Thinking back, erjie was the one who asked if I wanted to celebrate my birthday in a chalet. Thankful, I remember how it sounded like when everyone sang birthday song for me. Really awkward but really wanted to cry because the reverb is just so amazing.

2007: One of the most ridiculous year. I went to queue 3hours for donut factory with a classmate - caiwen. We went out but didn't know what to do so we just joined the queue where we just sat down to talk while queuing. And I had dinner with family

2006: Worked at Samsonite and met the family for dinner at Kuishin Bo (Closed down liao! Due to CB) Ok, not exactly, they weren't doing well in recent years and standard really drop a lot. Or maybe consumers are more picky with more choices.

That's how far this blog goes, so I will stop here. I mean... looking at all these, and you wonder if I really don't care about my birthday? Then why do I blog about my birthday every single year. Oh well, just to keep a record of what happened, whether exciting or not.

Well... This year I don't have a choice but it will probably be good to just rot the day away at home. Took leave and I have the entire weekend to do it. It will be good I think.

IT'S COMING! I AM FREAKING NERVOUS AND IDK WHY! I just want it to pass but I'm scared of surprises, I really am. Of course, there are some things that I wish for, but I know it won't be coming true. Just that, I will be faced with disappointment again even though I already anticipated it. I'm a confused person. HAHA Just don't mind me.

*Anyway no one reads this anymore. It's just reminder for myself.

Rocky Road to Work Life Story

11 years since I graduated in May... and 10 years since I started working (full-time mostly), also in May. It took me almost a year to get a full time job, and hence 10years.

Nonetheless, it was still a bumpy road from there. So I haven't actually worked for 10 years' in terms of actual work. In fact, in between I had really long breaks, till the point I was really scared. And those breaks were like what I'm doing now - Staying home most of the time.

And not all was good with the first few jobs.

Since May 2010, My first full time job was at CFA which lasted a year, second full time job was at DYMC which also lasted year, third one was around 1year8months in AEB. And this is my fourth full time job for 5 years now. so as you can tell, the numbers just don't add up. I worked for about 8years8months and the remaining 1year4months, I'm either not working, or working as a temp.

Anyway, from the very beginning I was really set to get a job in the arts. Either it really wasn't easy, or I was really not cut out for the jobs, there was also a limit to the job title I was interested in. Anyway... the first year after graduated passed by as I did 1 month (or so, max 2 months) temp at CFA, 3 - 4 months temp at SCO Marketing that ended on 31 Dec 2009. And was jobless all the way till I went back to CFA for the same position again (contract this time) in May 2010.

So, that was the first official job, not well paid - diploma starting pay 1.6k, take home around 1.2k. It was considered a full-time job as it came with all the remuneration package, which actually was quite good. At least food in nus is cheap and quite good. Lasted for 1 year, though they said because I could do better elsewhere and didn't want to keep me there with that little amount and the amount of work, I think they felt that I under performed because they didn't even ask me if I was ok on the job and if I wanted to continue. I was quite sure they told me during the decision meeting that the workload wasn't enough for my position so there was also no point, and if I didn't remember wrongly, 不要耽误我。However, I knew that they hired someone before I left although that person only came after I left. A poly grad I think. I was hit quite badly, I acknowledged that I haven't done enough, but really there wasn't much to do at many instances. Maybe it was my problem after all, so never mind.

Obviously I wasn't prepared to leave the job so I didn't think so much and didn't have a lot of time to react. I even booked a long trip in June. So after that first job, I didn't work for 3 months until I was approached for the second job. There was a lot of struggle because the company couldn't pay a normal salary. But I was also desperate so I started in Aug 2011 and I was paid 1.2k for 4-day work week. And I actually agreed. I wasn't doing well in the second job, maybe I was really just incompetent, although there were many things lacking in the company. There were fun times, but mostly, it was bad and I had to endure the 'you are the only one paid in this company' throughout the year even though they know it's peanuts. It was also a year's contract they offered in the beginning, they decided to re-contract although they were not satisfied with my performance. Thinking back, I never left anything undone, but I didn't value add to the company as well because I tried a few times and was brushed off, so eventually I stopped and of course just spent time doing nothing in the office and do only as I was told. But that is being non-initiative. Whatever. Anyway, I was lucky to be able to find the third job so I quit and went over to AEB, almost immediately in Aug 2012.

It's the time I thought I was the most fortunate. A total change of environment and not needing to deal with the same people again. At that time I was really happy because all the colleagues were super nice, and though there were some difficulty in working with some of the band and orchestra instructors, I was quite mature in work by then and could handle most of them. It was a refreshing idea for me. Sad was when the contract ended when the programme came to a close with no renewal, and I had the hardest time ever. I went to an interview at sco in between but I wasn't chosen.

I went on 3 months without any income, after the first month, I was struggling to keep up with myself and my other friends. Because there were also other friends who quit their job at that period of time, we spent some time together, but after that they all moved to their next destination and I didn't have anywhere to go. And that made me even sadder. Eventually, I was thankful to receive help from AEB to let me return as a temp staff in End June, but I was not earning much because of the very supportive job scope they couldn't pay me better. I really had the hardest time from end Mar till end Sep because there is the sudden cut of income, and that's 6 months with no income for three or very little income for the other three. Previous times were not as bad because the income wasn't that much anyway. So I was really living in misery and I cried a lot in this period.

It was only in Oct 2014 that I was transfered to the other department with more responsibility and there I was paid like a normal person, in fact, better than when I was working full time contract for them just that I was paid daily instead of monthly, meaning no work, no pay. Although I met other fun and interesting temp staff there, I wasn't happy that entire period of time. I was doing all paper work and back back end support for SG50 projects related to MOE, it was interesting because there were many many different projects, like I met a lot of people, get excited about their project and they were all thankful of what we were doing. Somehow it really wasn't what I wanted. And I really was struggling because I was also looking for full-time job at the same time but I didn't get selected for any. Went for a few interviews but none were successful, which is also the same case for the period after my first job. That was also the period of time I spent a lot of alone time, because I was upset most of the time but I didn't want to tell any of my friends. And not many friends ask me out on weekends. I spend a lot of Fridays on my own, eating at a quiet place and walking home sometimes on my own. I wasn't close to anyone during that period.

So for the empty periods, I didn't feel good the first time round but the second time was really worse because it is happened again, even after I had a few years of working experience. It is not normal and everyone knows that you have to have some explanation for this empty period. Because employers will definitely ask.

Going for sco's interview in Apr 2015 and eventually starting in May 2015 was the best thing that happened to me in that 2 years. I was in despair, but luckily I didn't give up. And actually I wasn't looking for a job that time because I was supposed to do SG50 till end 2015. I was actually told by a friend to submit my resume quite near to the closing date because I didn't know they were hiring but my now boss had my friend to pass me the message. I went for it, despite knowing that it was an entry-level job. I was obviously over-qualified for the job but I was really determined to get it. I still remember the thrill and the butterfly in me when my now boss called to offer me the job. My hands and my voice was trembling with excitement because I couldn't believe that it's finally happening to me - the only good thing happened to me the entire year. And here I am, still in the job. Gotten better in between.

One thing: self-reminder how hard it was for me to get here and only with that I will continue to work harder. 10 years of working and on!