Thinking about it. How long has it been since the last I ever blogged about this group of friends as a whole, on something happy and worth saying. I've stopped, because I feel meaningless doing it after all these years of trying.
We have known each other for 20 years. We probably hang out more after we got into the same class and I believed some of them might have felt obliged to be part of this group even if they have never wanted to be. And honestly, we didn't want to leave out anyone.
If I have to recall all the things we have done, it wasn't smooth from the start. Probably ever since we left sec school. But same thing, feeling obliged because we started out together. Yes, we met a lot, with or without everyone. We did a lot of things together. But I'm not sure if it was because all of us were just coincidentally free or it was purely a choice of priority. If it was the priority, then what changed us?
After trying so many years, eventually I got tired as well. It's hard to forge friendship, but it is also harder to keep it. It is really because I'm not doing enough? I spent 3 days 3 nights to make them handmade gifts for christmas. I didn't even make it for anyone else. I did until my back was stiff, my thighs were sore from sitting on the stool for too long and my thumb was numb from all the double-sided tape peeling. And yet, after the day it got given out, no one ever mentioned it again. And also sadly, some people inside have broken up. I have never in my life did so much for my friends, although I felt nervous and happy at that time, after that I really felt a little unappreciated.
Nonetheless, I did another handmade gift for them the following year. I spent a lot of time on this because I didn't know if it will be successful or not and it will take a few days to get the results, meaning if it fails I have to try again. So I had to test it out way ahead. Spent many nights and a few shopping trips trying to figure things out. Succeeded in the end and I was actually quite pleased with the end product. And they were the only people I did for. But of course, same thing. I was excited to show it but other than the besties, the rest are like, probably didn't know what to do with it. I have never seen them as well.
相遇難... 可相知相惜更難。
I can never get my priorities right, can I? I mean, just by reading back my posts, I had so much frustration with this group of friends. And now it's either they are not interested, not free and simply doesn't reply at all. Of course, not all of us may have been there with each of us when we went through things. It's a choice isn't it. When I sense some things and tried to reach out, some didn't take my hand either. I'm also saying this because when I reacted to their stuff on social media, I got 0 respond like I was a stranger. What to do leh? So honestly, it's really like we sort of lost contact. And after I have stopped asking for meet-ups, no one ever asked as well. Maybe not just me, but probably just max. 3 of us, the rest have never ever initiated a meet-up before. So it was all along a 'ok, by the way I'm free' kind of thing, and now obviously more are less free so cannot be bothered also.
I get it. Who says friends that you know in sec school are friends that will stick together forever? Without everyone's effort, how is it going to even continue? We have been through so much together in sec sch, not just studying in the same class, even in the same cca, some of us see each other 7 days a week, knew some of each other's secrets back then. But so what? Anyone could be easily replaced. I am not exactly sad about this? Just a little disappointed, like I always said.
I even set up a blog for us before. Did everything right down to coding the page with blogskin that was designed by me. But, no one cares. Ok, probably the same 3 or 4 people did.
點點滴滴的確很難記得，畢竟大家生活的方向不同，生活方式不同。但我不明白的是，當我想要接觸你的時候，沒有得到任何的回應。是不想嗎？是我的問題嗎？I even tried to reconnect recently because I got some nostalgic photos we took in sec school. But the response was so cold I cannot even continue.
In the past I always saved my time for them during important occasions, I always put meeting with them as priority, including cny, christmas, national day, birthdays, countdown even. But slowly, the cold responses never failed to make me disappointed but time after time I still made them the priority, till we do not meet anymore because I got tired of asking. Maybe my expectation was too high each time. And I guess the importance of each other is measured differently, esp. as time goes by. So much so that I don't feel like they are my priority anymore as well. And that's also why we had so many small groups branching from there because most of the times only the few will be interested. And then lesser, and lesser, to the point, even I have no idea now. The last time we all met for such occasion was 1 Jan (I think), 2 years ago. The rest are like thanks to one of us having baby, which I unfortunately really couldn't attend the full month and first birthday. I guess we are just not worth each other's time, most of the time. Not sure what the rest thinks, some probably wants to reconnect only if asked. What's left in the group chat is really just birthday wishes mostly.
I'm also not saying that I'm the only person who put in effort for this friendship. I really don't know what the others think about this. Still, overall, it's quite sad. I know, most of us are introvert, I'm probably the most extroverted introvert (when I'm being forced to), does that justify? I'm also not trying to victimise myself to say that I did all the work or whatever, recently someone else also asked the smaller group if want to go hiking together, but you see, people only replied when they are being pointed out. And still, at the end of the day, someone didn't reply at all, although she is considered the closer one. But who knows, people change. Ok, I'm not putting in enough effort. So I also don't have many friends.
I'm introvert, there's only so much I can do. And I really hate 热脸贴冷屁股... Faced it so much that I got enough. oh wells.
可惜吗？也许吧。但是，如果你心中的那些人不在乎，那你怎么在乎都没有用。只觉得可惜是我自认为我们以前还蛮好的。或许也是我没有放太多心思在他们身上吧。
