It's been 10 years, my friend.

This post has to be today. 30 Aug 2020. 

I know, it was really a bad idea to revisit memories in the middle of the night. I did it anyway, and emotions just filled my entire body after watching the videos again. To be honest, most of us may have already forgotten about this, ok I'll just speak for myself. It wasn't until the memories of this day on FB that the memories started flooding back at me. but well. see this page for the post. Bye Joel Tan

I can only say that it's really easy for human to forget something and pick up a new habit. We probably only really skyped in the first year he left. And after that it was just birthday wishes and of course, that died down as well. The last we had a short exchange was his birthday last year. And that marks 15 years from when we met. That was crazy, and now he's already been away to Toronto for 10 years and I don't even know what he is doing anymore. And, when the sy people are together (which is also quite non-existent), no one talked about him anymore. It's just a little disheartening to know that this is exactly how humans work. You built up this relation because of work, the things you do together daily - if not often enough. And then when you move on to something else, it's just hard to keep maintaining every single relation you have forged. 

It's true, at the end, we move on with our lives. I'm even close to most of them now. I don't even remember how he sounded like and do not know if he sound the same now. So I happen to scroll through his fb to see if there were any traces of past friendship - none. Except for yvonne writing him birthday wishes once 3 years ago. And that's it. But I also came across a podcast he was working with his schoolmates, so I listened to the part he spoken in. The voice is so foreign, I wouldn't have recognised it if it wasn't for the fake that he introduced himself. Just felt a little mind blown and a little sad. That's all. 

I mean I still remember this friend, I'm quite sure he still remembers us all and will any time welcome us to visit him. Yup, 10 years have passed and none of us visited Toronto, neither did he come back at all, he wasn't intending to anyway. But still, I kind of miss this friend, especially when I was reminded how much fun and how much crazy things we did together in the past. I really love him as a friend, if I could, I would even love him as a person (kidding) all these years because he is worth it. And actually, I really want to plan to visit him when I can. I still have the hope to see him and to reconnect again some day. 

Not saying that anyone is at fault or it is unique to this case, but that's exactly how people are now. 

How often do you tell friends/colleagues/people who are leaving your daily life 'Hey, let's keep in touch!', or 'Hey, let's meet up soon!' Maybe I was being naive all the while, but I would really take these words to heart and I would think that someone who said it, mean it. I don't remember when was the last time I said something along this line, because I know I may not do it anyway, so I don't say it. Only to come to disappointment of course. Don't use these words so easily, just don't. I'm mindful of using them because I know how it felt to have people telling me these but I have never met them since. And I really understand how people come and go in my life, so really no hard feelings, and don't have to be politically correct.

You may say that I can make the first move. Right! I could. But I actually also couldn't, I'm an extroverted introvert. Taking the initiative is not quite my thing unless necessary. Maybe because they are not that important to me too afterall, as much as I'm also not that important to them. To think about it, these are really usually said by outgoing people. And they probably don't mind people telling them the same but don't do it. Maybe it's also just me. Nevermind.

Oh well, I also understand that's why I have lesser and lesser friends now. Like look at this period. Without work on weekends and weekday nights, I'm almost home all day. I'm like the freest person around and I don't even really have the urge to go out with anyone. But I'll be ready to accept any invitation to go out. There isn't many, and sometimes, I'm also slightly reluctant. Anyway, I also tried, and failed a few times. In the end, I went on my own. Also, I've made moves so many times, but I'm just, ignored and still the same. 

All right... it's just me! No hard feelings at all. 

I still miss you Joel. (every now and then hehe)