Affinity with CO

This may never be shared publicly on the company profile because l really suck at this. But as I read many of their entries, I do realise how attached I am to the company. If not, I wouldn't have tried so hard.

Honestly, I felt that anyone who is a fan of CO would have dreamt of working in this company before. I learnt of Sco in primary school when our instructors changed and they were all from SCO. I had to beg my mother a few times before I was allowed to attend a SCO concert back then. That was before the current home of SCO - SCH was ready; concerts were held in VCH back then. Obviously I don't remember the programmes anymore but if I see the poster I might have impression that I have attended some of them. That was how I connected with SCO.

With encouragement from my then Erhu teacher - Mr. Low, I joined the SYCO in 2005 and stayed till I had to "graduate" in 2013. From the orchestra, I have met many many likeminded friends, whom not only did we attend more SCO concerts together, we also hang out a lot in a large group before and after rehearsals for dinner or supper, watch movies, organize our own annual EOY chalet.

Aside from the fun, I also experience a whole range of good and challenging repertoire, got the chance to play alongside SCO musicians once a year, and also witnessed how a team worked behind the orchestra to make a concert possible. I knew I wasn't professional musician material but I'm still passionate in the Arts, so I gone to do Arts management instead.

Can't say I excel in the studies, and I'm also not exactly well-liked, and although my interest in another aspect of the Arts industry grew throughout my study, there's still this part of me that wanted to join this company, esp. at the end because I just want to show that I'm capable of doing it when the others didn't believe in me. Took me a few attempts across different job titles and honestly, after a while, I was not that keen anymore because I had tried too many times so I didn't feel like doing it again and again, like shamelessly. I also wanted to try other arts forms, esp. I was enjoying working with band and symphony orchestra at that time too. Fortunately or unfortunately, this final chance came up and it was quite a perfect position. (Maybe half perfect, I have always wanted to do programme, but I also wanted to do artist management). I only got the artist (internal) management part. But I was all grateful as I've been in the company for 6 years, which is the furthest I've come, yet. 

“你可不能走哦”，是我听到最安慰的一句话。差一点就要哭了。不管我做了多少麻烦他们的事，多少不好听的话，他们还是希望跟他们一起工作的是我，这就是信任。谢谢他们这几年下来愿意信任我，愿意和我分享事情，愿意跟我抱怨，愿意请我帮他们的忙，愿意带我一起做很多事情。很荣幸，很开心他们不嫌弃我。对我来说，与很多人都是公事，是公事就不会随便，但公事外还是可以是同事。其实我不需要他们喜欢我，我需要的是互相配合，互相尊重，但这些就是靠‘喜欢’换来的。工作上我问心无愧的平等的对待每个人。需要做的就得做，我只能表示同理心。

“同理心”应该是我最好的特质了。不一定一直做的好，但有着同理心总会让人感觉到我的真心。

With this, I also received my best present for the year. I just need to thank everyone for being patient with me. They could have complained about me for everything I did not so well. 

What surprised me more was during my appraisal, my boss asked me if I have plans for the years to come, and if I have imagined myself to be a HOD. Never. ever. Because I actually know that I can't lead well. I can't make good decisions on my own, I don't really know how to delegate jobs to other people and I prefer to do many things myself and my way. So I may end up like one of the previous HODs, which I think better not lah hor. Then again, this also led me to think more about what I should and need to do in future, and probably I need to plan for myself as well. This is a scary moment but also an exciting moment because I can now handle things on my own without hindrance (which is also the scary part because I cannot shun away from anything anymore OMG!). I'm more scared than excited definitely. But I hope it will be good. Definitely looking forward to doing more shows, and I also need to pray everyday that things will be fine - I will not be late; musicians will not be late; musicians can fit in their uniform, musicians remember to come to work, etc. 

With that, I hope for a better year ahead! ◡̈

More busy stuff

Continuously being busy, I'm still guilty of missing out stuff and doing very last minute things. I'm really glad that all the musicians are soooo understanding. I have never felt this way, and I'm not sure if it's because of covid that they have become more bearable with multiple changes and many last minute duties. Even though I informed them of something they have to do and have to come by company only a few days in advance, I never thought that no one said something negative to me at all (whether they thought about it I don't know and I can't care much). And some of them even thanked me for what I've been doing. Even though not all of them say, I'm already thankful for the little appreciations I get. After all the late night work, maybe I'm just not efficient. I have so many backlogs and I feel bad for not giving some information earlier.

Thankful that colleagues really believed in me and never question me too much. But can't help feeling a little guilty when I miss out like updates to musicians not coming and etc. But I'm the only one doing everything leh. :( 

Thankful that colleagues prefer me over other colleague, which also means, sometimes I do more. I've probably done like stage crew duty for concerts since last year, i think like 4 or 5 altogether and obviously he hasn't done any. And he said nobody asked him, while I have heard different stories -- that even though production side already told him he needs to help, he was nowhere to be seen during the rehearsal/show. hehe. And they wanted to reject the idea that I won't be down for duty next week! I don't know to be happy or sad. But I think through all these I also really learnt that their job is really not easy (I think I have said this somewhere before). I'm happy to let my colleague experience it a little (heard it's also quite tedious this time round), but also that if he does then he will have the chance to brag or "complain" next time. It's a dilemma but we are just going according to what was agreed and of course I don't want to overwrite this although I would rather do this concert than the next one for obvious reasons -- the soloists. LOL

But well, we should all have our time for things. At the same time, I'm still gonna get busy for the upcoming deadline. I'm just so nervous for the end product and the responses. I think I need to close my ears. Or just get my colleague to do it next time because he really gives no shit to what people say. I can't. 

Goodnight, got to gear up for the morning tomorrow. Com'on we can do it! It's just another 3 months till end of year!

Great to be Busy (I guess)

It's really been a few crazy months, even more so with all the changes and things that I have to do which I don't even know why. Yet, amidst all these, I have to find time to clear leave. And obviously, cannot go on leave with a peace of mind. 

All the things came at the same time previously. The uniform, the recording, the live demo, and all the concerts. As if it was not enough, there's also many changes to the concerts over the last few months, and the live demo got postponed, and the rehearsal schedules changed or got cancelled. 

Although it's frustrating for things to get cancelled or postponed at the last minute, I'm slightly relieved that the live demo got postponed too. It's really a dilemma whether I want it to be postponed or not. But if it haven't, then I would have died by now, manning everything myself. 

And of course, things happen here and there, one day my boss felt me when I approached her for some musicians matter, having to still deal with all the nitty gritty while being busy with all the big stuff. Yea, sometimes I really don't know if it's a blessing when I get approached so much more often than the colleague. Between doing up all the tables, papers, schedules, consolidation for over 50 people, arranging for 80 people to do their measurement, I also had to deal with the rehearsals, absentee, taking leave, scores and many others. If I really manage to pull it off at the end of the day, I really deserve to give myself a pat on my back. 

I really find no time for myself. Every day I just think of how much I have left, undone. And yet, picking up things whenever the others drop it. Suddenly some matters become my responsibility. It's really weird and I'm pretty sure that wasn't what was discussed previously. Honestly, I have already done everything I should, and shouldn't. I don't get it that I'm not the one who required all these, but had to be the one conveying the message when the decision maker is someone of so much more power than me. At the end of the day it really boils down to human relation, so many of them are so afraid to deal with musicians because they cannot treat them properly. I mean honestly, I always say this in defence to the musicians not because I'm trying to get their approval but I always treat them with respect and so vice versa. Of course, I have been friendly most of the time but I also know to be firm with them whenever needed. That's all was needed, it's not like I had to please anyone but doesn't mean I have to be rude to them just because they don't get it sometimes. 

At the end of the day, I know that they will appreciate what good people have done for them. And even when I had to be the baddie sometimes, they still are thankful for what I could do for them most of the time and believed me because I don't cover things up. If I'm wrong, I just apologise and move on. And they are forgiving because they know it's genuine. But some people are really fake, if you don't mean it then don't say it. 

And it's weird that all the responsibility really came to me. I remembered they say that they didn't need us to be there, just maybe the first day. But this person has never been present and left all the matters to me. So at the start I had to decide if we could let the musician continue recording, actually, I shouldn't be the one deciding. I was never part of the production part of the videos, so I don't know why I was there. Requirements was not said properly, I only remembered them saying musicians could wear anything they like but be presentable. I didn't know what was the set up like because I didn't need to know, so obviously I wasn't there for the set up but they expected that I should know what they wanted the video to look like, which I have no idea. So attire was informed at the last minute, fine. So similarly, I wasn't the one who required the look, but the boss has requirements but didn't want to inform musician directly when we are all in the same zoom (but I was on leave or away so I didn't catch it in time). That wasn't the deal really. 

But my boss is really a hero. She saved me today from a musician's enquiry and hand it back to the other boss doing it. Although musician might still be unhappy at the end of the day because it's really not our problem with this. And they could have better manage it. Oh well, all boils down to our technicians forever unable to support things fast. If they could answer my question in the first place yesterday then there wouldn't have been so much trouble. But it's okay, their boss should solve it anyway. 

And then, I believed that the dates shouldn't have been done by me. It's funny that the programmer did not even know the postponed date, which was already discussed earlier as the contingency plan in the meeting, which I had to miss due to something else. And again, her boss (that same other boss) didn't inform her that the announcement has been made. Can't believe that I had to do all these. 

Though MH is also sad now, because she should have been free by end of the month from all the solo stuff, now that the demo has been pushed to Nov, she's not any better. But previously when she asked when will I then be freed from these, honestly it's really when they go on bloc leave. I don't want to even think about it. 

And then there are people who talked about how to clear their annual leave when they have x number of days left like it's impossible and feels like it's a chore. It's really a no-wonder that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I had more days and it's even more impossible for me to clear. I just give a smirk in my heart. In the end? He had to go on leave for his family matters, though still had to deal with some work stuff. But ya, next time be careful what you wished for. There you go, clearing your leaves now so you don't have to go on 3 weeks' leave at the end of the year. I guess that's good news for yourself. Meanwhile, I still have 10.5 days to clear after taking a day this week and another day 2 weeks later. We have concerts every week in Oct, and almost all of Nov as well. 

I'm just tired thinking about it. On top of all these, more care package for the company and probably some events as well. Just afraid that at the end of the day I'm the one doing everything again. Like all the other care packages, whether was it under R-Team, company or the board's name. I did EVERY SINGLE THING for these 3 packages, under the name of everyone else. I think because I really just didn't know how to delegate work for others to help -- the reason I can never be a leader. Well, that's another story altogether. So I really want to give myself something good after all these ◡̈ 

Wished all these busy times were spent doing proper concerts instead. I really miss doing concerts after concerts, performing everywhere for everyone. We can only hope. 

Little happy things in life - Bday V34

So I always think that it's okay, my birthday is just another day, because my family is cool about celebrations all the time. We just take it as an excuse to eat something nice together. We don't even do all the cake cutting or bday songs most of the time. (also, just excuses to get cakes to eat. haha)

So this year, I decided to join my friend - June at her place, for our birthday, because same bday! Really fun and relaxing, just talk, eat, watch tv and play games. 

Speaking about this, it's quite amazing that I have really met a lot of friends who had the same bday as me. From pri school, it was Matthew Chin. And then there wasn't any in sec school though someone was rather near. But i knew Chek in JC and Tingkai in syco. And then I also got to know Jade from LASALLE. And then in SCO, there was Joshua and Kimberly, though both of them left. So there's June and I left in sco. Hahaha. 

Thankful for friends whom sent things to me, even though I already said I have loads of food in the fridge. HAHA! And I didn't even send anyone anything this year. :x I'm sure all my friends are more thoughtful than I ever am. Rach and Van went to queue for puff and peaks because I kept on posting that I didn't get to pre-order but didn't post when I finally did. The queue was crazy, but I'm glad they liked it too. (I think so lah hor) And Rach texted me to say she can share my things in the fridge just to confirm what I have but they happened to be already in the shop. HAHA! And delivered it to my place, and even sent me down to serangoon ◡̈

Then sushi also confirmed that I'm still at home and walked over with the delivery from Chye Seng Huat in the crazy weather. Lemon tart, banana walnut loaf and cold brews. Really happy leh! 

And the crazy girls who came to my door at 12am. To be honest, I checked their location. But I was almost sure they weren't doing it, and of course I forgot to prepare myself for it. So I was totally unglam even though I realised at the last few minutes that their location was off! But I also didn't put too much hope in it. Still, phone call came at 12am sharp. they were shocked my background was dark. (my entire house was already dark) I would have gone to sleep actually but decided to force myself to wait till 12am to see if miracles happened. HAHA. The reason I half expected this was because MH already knew I'm going to June's house so no way they can do it in the day. But I didn't guess what they will come with. This MH was asking me what do I always order from Mosanco cos I really always do and I thought she needed some advice. She came with 8 bottles! hahaha so whatever I said was ordered for me. LOL! 

I haven't had cold brew for quite some time and it was really a pleasant surprise. At least I could drink faster than I eat all those food so I was happy to receive them! 

Thankful for all these friends with efforts to my day special. I don't think I'm a really good friend to them. But after all these reflection recently, I will treat them better than I do. I even forgot that I wanted to get coffee for June. :( But I will definitely get her some the next time I see her. :) Because she got me a present too! yay!

Boss also told me she left my present on my desk and decided not to send food cos I have already gotten plenty. Came to work with a pleasant surprise of a mug filled with cats and local use of 'lah' i's a 'lah' mug. It was so cute! 

Thankful for little good things happening in life amidst all the bigger sadder things due to covid. :) 

Words of Schooling Memories

How often do you reminiscent about the past?

I thought I do it quite often, but we all only remember what we want to and also only remember it the way we want to, don't we?

There are some things that I always remember (whether always correctly or wrongly). Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm used to keeping a dairy since primary school and so I really have quite a substantial amount of records. Some of them I just want to flip through really fast because the contents were really boring and repetitive or it is something I really remembered so I didn't have to read it again. 

I have read each of my dairies a few times through the years and I'm sure I feel the same every time I read it again -- "I was really immature", "That was really stupid", "I should've known the ending then", "oh yes, that's exactly how I felt", "some things don't change", etc. Can't believe I wrote so much -- some really useless stuff. [Even now actually lol]

But all of those, was what made of my teenage years, whether or not some of the matters were really illogical, but I did those anyway. 

And then I also read all the cards (again as well) I have received over the years, and also messages friends have written for me, be it in my autograph book (it was such a hit last time) or on our class photo or a message in any sort. These are the things that I really forgot. Some cards were from friends I least expected, like we weren't even close or we have lost contact now. But, it also made me think that it was because I sent them something for the occasion and hence I got something in return. Thinking back, I really loved to send people cards, esp. for Christmas, and I was really afraid to miss out anyone so I really send it to everyone so I don't really care if that person is really a close friend. And from some of the cards, you could really tell you sent me one just because I did. But it's okay, I'm still happy to receive them and that's why I still have them till now. To be honest, I was so close to discarding some of them because I really wanted to declutter. But after posting on IG, a few friends asked me to keep them so I really did. After all, I was also rather hesitant to throw them in the first place. So I literally retrieve some of the items back from the bag of trash. 

And then, on the content, I realised many of my friends had written something along the line that I am lazy but smart, lazy but good in math (or just good in math), rather crazy, and ask me not to play but to study already. Things true friends say. I'm not even kidding but I was a little surprised. So I tried to think of crazy things I do or instances when I was in my crazy self, but I couldn't remember any. I have no idea why. All the remaining memories of my schooling days were how miserable I was. But I guess it wasn't all bad back in school. 

No matter what, it was interesting to go back to things I have written and things friends have written for me. And to remember that I had fun school days. And so, that small little clutter is still there to stay. :)

Plans vs Reality

Somehow, this thought came to me today. 

I cleared a little corner of my work station today, when no one told me I should do it. I think this is the rebellious side of me, all along since young. I hate it when I was told I need to practice my violin, and my mother never ever asked me to practice Erhu. Maybe that's why I practiced Erhu more than violin. I really only like to do things when I'm not being forced to. So even I have the urge to practice violin and my mother said I need to practice before I did, I won't even do it anymore. 

And example, my mother scold me for being messy, and ask me to do this and do that, depending on what is it, I may or may not do it, if I do, unwillingness is all over my face. But I like to do things in my own pace and I am willing to do that any time when I feel like it. So don't tell me what to do. 

And this is also probably the reason I really want to stay on my own in future. I was controlled my entire life, on what I should and shouldn't do. I hate it and it's really something I will to break away from. Recently, I'm also rather worried that this goal will be a little difficult to achieve because of the amount of money I need to save. And just today, I was thinking, how about I get a flat with another single? (who is definitely not my sister) But, what if the person also wants to tell me what to do with my life? I just want to be carefree with no one even asking why do I do something. But money is an issue. :(

Yes, there are plenty of options in life. And choices are always made with a reason or with limitations. It's true, that more assets call for more possibilities and choices, but I'm also a rather reserved person by nature. Happened to read something about this recently. I always say that self-help books are not for me, because even with the advices they provide, if I have had the ability to do it, I would have already done so. Maybe I should really change my opinions a little. I will continue to read on to decide. It's 蔡康永‘s 这是你的人生啊.

Oh well, I'm hoping things will get better. I'm also really trying to save more money. No new clothes is the most important. Also hope I will be able to sell off some of the clutter I have at home. hahaha. And I think I'm really just good with maybe a 3-room flat in future. If I could afford a 4-room it will be good but I doubt so. Looking at how my colleagues got theirs even with their pay range, I think it will be difficult for me to achieve better. Alternatively, I may really consider moving to less mature estate if it is really bad moving forward. 

I hope I will have the motivation to do what I should and continue. ◡̈ 

貓與狗

記得小時候我沒有那麼喜歡貓, 也許因為沒有甚麼接觸, 也許是因為二姐是愛狗之人, 身邊也只有養狗的人, 沒有人養貓, 所以對貓沒什麼感覺. 長大了以後, 看著家周圍的那些貓咪, 才漸漸對貓的關注越來越深. 

本來也覺得沒什麼, 就現在比較喜歡貓的個性. 今天看到朋友分享作家張曼娟在FB寫的一段話, 突然有一種'終於了解'的感覺. 她說她的朋友這麼形容她「我行我素，很有主見，又帶點神祕感，像貓一樣的女人。」雖然沒有人這樣形容我, 但我自己對號入座了. 這就是在形容我啊!

想起平時和朋友討論現在比較喜歡貓的原因, 也許因為比較沒責任感又懶, 就覺得貓不需要我那麼多的注意力和那麼有規律的生活 - 我不需要每天都帶它去樓下散步. 我不需要把我的所有時間都給它. 它不會一直黏著我, 真正需要我的時候才找我; 我需要它的時候可以去找它 (一廂情願的想法, 呵呵).

這點也讓我想到我身邊的朋友和我自己交友的狀況. 我不需要一直關注我的朋友或男朋友(如果將來有的話), 我也不希望需要一直去關注甚麼人. 我覺得我不需要一直去取悅甚麼人, 像貓一樣. 我也不想要有狗一直跟著我, 這樣會讓我沒有空間, 喘不過氣. 所以我要的不是人, 就是一隻貓?

唉... 難怪了...

It's all about looking back and looking forward

Best 3 moments of 2020

1. Spending (a lot) more time at home and with family. Esp. my parents. Understanding and being more patient with them in the year. It's a test for myself as well. There were a lot of meltdowns in the beginning but we all made it together. Mum is better than expected while sometimes Dad is problem. 

2. Though meeting up is more difficult, but it also meant that meet-ups were more meaningful. Due to many constraints, meet up with people who are important, and cared enough to want to meet me too. Because contrary to popular belief, I'm not quite sociable, and I do not take initiative (most of the time). So I'm glad that friends still remember me and sometimes pull me out of my shell to go out. I spent more of the time at home since Apr's CB, and is rather comfortable doing so. Hence, I haven't really find the need to ask people out. So I'm really thankful for all the food deliveries, care and concern people around has given to me. And esp. when visiting or dining out was impossible during my birthday, I felt loved, even though it doesn't seem a lot, it is more than what I usually have. 

3. Had a good appraisal for the year, even though I was slightly thinking that I may not have deserved it due to the lack of work when CB started. I always say that I do not like changes. But habits can really be grown, and even though I do not like the changes, I think I adapt pretty fast. And probably it's just my happy-go-lucky personality that allowed me to pull through so many different tasks away from my normal tasks during this period of time. And glad that I haven't made it worse for the other departments which I have to cover for. :) Good experience overall! It was when I realised that their job is really not easy at all even though most of the time it is manual work. It also requires good coordination between everyone, good job delegation and planning, good memory, and definitely needs some practising. Even so, I am still so much more nervous than doing my normal job because I made mistakes during rehearsals! And also placed one of their instruments wrongly during one of the shows. I will never look at their job and responsibilities the same again.

Worst 3 moments of 2020

1. Of course, it comes with the virus. Had to cancel my trip to Japan, first thing first. Just when I finally decided that Japan is my next destination for travel. And at current they are not getting any better, so I doubt the trip will be any time soon, and my air ticket is still on hold. 

2. The moment I realised that some friends are not worth my prioritisation anymore. I don't know how I could ever make it better. I know that some friends in the group are definitely worth keeping and I know they feel the same. But the other few, I don't know. I just don't know.

3. Probably the worst but also one of the best. Went for a few walks (like really a few only), and one of them was in a heavy rain. All wet but still happy at the end of the day. 

(psst: it was really hard for me to come up with 'worst moments' because if it's not that bad I really probably won't remember it)

Top 3 goals for 2021

1. Be a better person, better daughter, better sibling, better friend, better colleague.

2. Still play the guitar when we get to the end of covid

3. save more than 10K by end of the year 

Doesn't seem a lot but it takes a lot to do it. oh well. :) For a better year and years ahead!