Progressing in Work

It has really been months. Many changes in life though many things stayed the same too. It was no doubt that I have become busier with all the new job scope (although nothing was written in the promotion letter). I have endless fitting sessions for the uniform, and nope, I am not done yet. I hope it will be by the end of this month, so that we can really get this over and be done with, because I have soooo many other work waiting to be done. Now we also have 6 musician positions (2 are the same instrument) to fill. I have never headed 1 audition, needless to say 5! It is definitely giving me a headache, given the tight timeline. Almost forced to the wall, and still have many other matters to manage at the same time. As much as I think I should let musicians do some of the work themselves, I feel a little more at ease to help them do it to know that it has definitely been done. So actually I brought it upon myself. 

It also didn't help that the colleague is not no longer in lead for the orchestra portion and will be waiting for me to voice out concerns so he can help. In a way it is good because then I get to make the decision but it worries me sometimes because I'm also not quite good at decision making. Actually, neither is he. 

And worse, he was out of action for almost the entire first quarter of the year. Poor thing regarding his health, but I would appreciate more if I was told earlier that I will on my own most of the time. We also had a temp staff for 2 months, and I thought I will receive help. I even briefed her on the rehearsal procedures and said will probably need her help. But never did she appear once without my exact instructions. I was too tired to deal with this so I just do everything myself. 

I know it is a bad habit because I seldom call for help and I sometimes do not know when I should call for help, unless someone asked. This is something I definitely need to learn. The problem also lies that I only trust my own work and sometimes I'm probably too shy to ask as well. 

So very drowned in work, although there is still a sense of accomplishment as I feel that I have grown again in this job and environment. I feel that I'm able to give more constructive recommendations and involved in more important discussions. It really helps to stimulate more brain activities to keep things going, even though it was really really tiring. :')

In the nutshell, I'm still happy to be here for the past 7 years (on 4 May), and I will maybe continue for at least the next few years. ◡̈ 

Affinity with CO

This may never be shared publicly on the company profile because l really suck at this. But as I read many of their entries, I do realise how attached I am to the company. If not, I wouldn't have tried so hard.

Honestly, I felt that anyone who is a fan of CO would have dreamt of working in this company before. I learnt of Sco in primary school when our instructors changed and they were all from SCO. I had to beg my mother a few times before I was allowed to attend a SCO concert back then. That was before the current home of SCO - SCH was ready; concerts were held in VCH back then. Obviously I don't remember the programmes anymore but if I see the poster I might have impression that I have attended some of them. That was how I connected with SCO.

With encouragement from my then Erhu teacher - Mr. Low, I joined the SYCO in 2005 and stayed till I had to "graduate" in 2013. From the orchestra, I have met many many likeminded friends, whom not only did we attend more SCO concerts together, we also hang out a lot in a large group before and after rehearsals for dinner or supper, watch movies, organize our own annual EOY chalet.

Aside from the fun, I also experience a whole range of good and challenging repertoire, got the chance to play alongside SCO musicians once a year, and also witnessed how a team worked behind the orchestra to make a concert possible. I knew I wasn't professional musician material but I'm still passionate in the Arts, so I gone to do Arts management instead.

Can't say I excel in the studies, and I'm also not exactly well-liked, and although my interest in another aspect of the Arts industry grew throughout my study, there's still this part of me that wanted to join this company, esp. at the end because I just want to show that I'm capable of doing it when the others didn't believe in me. Took me a few attempts across different job titles and honestly, after a while, I was not that keen anymore because I had tried too many times so I didn't feel like doing it again and again, like shamelessly. I also wanted to try other arts forms, esp. I was enjoying working with band and symphony orchestra at that time too. Fortunately or unfortunately, this final chance came up and it was quite a perfect position. (Maybe half perfect, I have always wanted to do programme, but I also wanted to do artist management). I only got the artist (internal) management part. But I was all grateful as I've been in the company for 6 years, which is the furthest I've come, yet. 

“你可不能走哦”，是我听到最安慰的一句话。差一点就要哭了。不管我做了多少麻烦他们的事，多少不好听的话，他们还是希望跟他们一起工作的是我，这就是信任。谢谢他们这几年下来愿意信任我，愿意和我分享事情，愿意跟我抱怨，愿意请我帮他们的忙，愿意带我一起做很多事情。很荣幸，很开心他们不嫌弃我。对我来说，与很多人都是公事，是公事就不会随便，但公事外还是可以是同事。其实我不需要他们喜欢我，我需要的是互相配合，互相尊重，但这些就是靠‘喜欢’换来的。工作上我问心无愧的平等的对待每个人。需要做的就得做，我只能表示同理心。

“同理心”应该是我最好的特质了。不一定一直做的好，但有着同理心总会让人感觉到我的真心。

With this, I also received my best present for the year. I just need to thank everyone for being patient with me. They could have complained about me for everything I did not so well. 

What surprised me more was during my appraisal, my boss asked me if I have plans for the years to come, and if I have imagined myself to be a HOD. Never. ever. Because I actually know that I can't lead well. I can't make good decisions on my own, I don't really know how to delegate jobs to other people and I prefer to do many things myself and my way. So I may end up like one of the previous HODs, which I think better not lah hor. Then again, this also led me to think more about what I should and need to do in future, and probably I need to plan for myself as well. This is a scary moment but also an exciting moment because I can now handle things on my own without hindrance (which is also the scary part because I cannot shun away from anything anymore OMG!). I'm more scared than excited definitely. But I hope it will be good. Definitely looking forward to doing more shows, and I also need to pray everyday that things will be fine - I will not be late; musicians will not be late; musicians can fit in their uniform, musicians remember to come to work, etc. 

With that, I hope for a better year ahead! ◡̈

More busy stuff

Continuously being busy, I'm still guilty of missing out stuff and doing very last minute things. I'm really glad that all the musicians are soooo understanding. I have never felt this way, and I'm not sure if it's because of covid that they have become more bearable with multiple changes and many last minute duties. Even though I informed them of something they have to do and have to come by company only a few days in advance, I never thought that no one said something negative to me at all (whether they thought about it I don't know and I can't care much). And some of them even thanked me for what I've been doing. Even though not all of them say, I'm already thankful for the little appreciations I get. After all the late night work, maybe I'm just not efficient. I have so many backlogs and I feel bad for not giving some information earlier.

Thankful that colleagues really believed in me and never question me too much. But can't help feeling a little guilty when I miss out like updates to musicians not coming and etc. But I'm the only one doing everything leh. :( 

Thankful that colleagues prefer me over other colleague, which also means, sometimes I do more. I've probably done like stage crew duty for concerts since last year, i think like 4 or 5 altogether and obviously he hasn't done any. And he said nobody asked him, while I have heard different stories -- that even though production side already told him he needs to help, he was nowhere to be seen during the rehearsal/show. hehe. And they wanted to reject the idea that I won't be down for duty next week! I don't know to be happy or sad. But I think through all these I also really learnt that their job is really not easy (I think I have said this somewhere before). I'm happy to let my colleague experience it a little (heard it's also quite tedious this time round), but also that if he does then he will have the chance to brag or "complain" next time. It's a dilemma but we are just going according to what was agreed and of course I don't want to overwrite this although I would rather do this concert than the next one for obvious reasons -- the soloists. LOL

But well, we should all have our time for things. At the same time, I'm still gonna get busy for the upcoming deadline. I'm just so nervous for the end product and the responses. I think I need to close my ears. Or just get my colleague to do it next time because he really gives no shit to what people say. I can't. 

Goodnight, got to gear up for the morning tomorrow. Com'on we can do it! It's just another 3 months till end of year!

Great to be Busy (I guess)

It's really been a few crazy months, even more so with all the changes and things that I have to do which I don't even know why. Yet, amidst all these, I have to find time to clear leave. And obviously, cannot go on leave with a peace of mind. 

All the things came at the same time previously. The uniform, the recording, the live demo, and all the concerts. As if it was not enough, there's also many changes to the concerts over the last few months, and the live demo got postponed, and the rehearsal schedules changed or got cancelled. 

Although it's frustrating for things to get cancelled or postponed at the last minute, I'm slightly relieved that the live demo got postponed too. It's really a dilemma whether I want it to be postponed or not. But if it haven't, then I would have died by now, manning everything myself. 

And of course, things happen here and there, one day my boss felt me when I approached her for some musicians matter, having to still deal with all the nitty gritty while being busy with all the big stuff. Yea, sometimes I really don't know if it's a blessing when I get approached so much more often than the colleague. Between doing up all the tables, papers, schedules, consolidation for over 50 people, arranging for 80 people to do their measurement, I also had to deal with the rehearsals, absentee, taking leave, scores and many others. If I really manage to pull it off at the end of the day, I really deserve to give myself a pat on my back. 

I really find no time for myself. Every day I just think of how much I have left, undone. And yet, picking up things whenever the others drop it. Suddenly some matters become my responsibility. It's really weird and I'm pretty sure that wasn't what was discussed previously. Honestly, I have already done everything I should, and shouldn't. I don't get it that I'm not the one who required all these, but had to be the one conveying the message when the decision maker is someone of so much more power than me. At the end of the day it really boils down to human relation, so many of them are so afraid to deal with musicians because they cannot treat them properly. I mean honestly, I always say this in defence to the musicians not because I'm trying to get their approval but I always treat them with respect and so vice versa. Of course, I have been friendly most of the time but I also know to be firm with them whenever needed. That's all was needed, it's not like I had to please anyone but doesn't mean I have to be rude to them just because they don't get it sometimes. 

At the end of the day, I know that they will appreciate what good people have done for them. And even when I had to be the baddie sometimes, they still are thankful for what I could do for them most of the time and believed me because I don't cover things up. If I'm wrong, I just apologise and move on. And they are forgiving because they know it's genuine. But some people are really fake, if you don't mean it then don't say it. 

And it's weird that all the responsibility really came to me. I remembered they say that they didn't need us to be there, just maybe the first day. But this person has never been present and left all the matters to me. So at the start I had to decide if we could let the musician continue recording, actually, I shouldn't be the one deciding. I was never part of the production part of the videos, so I don't know why I was there. Requirements was not said properly, I only remembered them saying musicians could wear anything they like but be presentable. I didn't know what was the set up like because I didn't need to know, so obviously I wasn't there for the set up but they expected that I should know what they wanted the video to look like, which I have no idea. So attire was informed at the last minute, fine. So similarly, I wasn't the one who required the look, but the boss has requirements but didn't want to inform musician directly when we are all in the same zoom (but I was on leave or away so I didn't catch it in time). That wasn't the deal really. 

But my boss is really a hero. She saved me today from a musician's enquiry and hand it back to the other boss doing it. Although musician might still be unhappy at the end of the day because it's really not our problem with this. And they could have better manage it. Oh well, all boils down to our technicians forever unable to support things fast. If they could answer my question in the first place yesterday then there wouldn't have been so much trouble. But it's okay, their boss should solve it anyway. 

And then, I believed that the dates shouldn't have been done by me. It's funny that the programmer did not even know the postponed date, which was already discussed earlier as the contingency plan in the meeting, which I had to miss due to something else. And again, her boss (that same other boss) didn't inform her that the announcement has been made. Can't believe that I had to do all these. 

Though MH is also sad now, because she should have been free by end of the month from all the solo stuff, now that the demo has been pushed to Nov, she's not any better. But previously when she asked when will I then be freed from these, honestly it's really when they go on bloc leave. I don't want to even think about it. 

And then there are people who talked about how to clear their annual leave when they have x number of days left like it's impossible and feels like it's a chore. It's really a no-wonder that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I had more days and it's even more impossible for me to clear. I just give a smirk in my heart. In the end? He had to go on leave for his family matters, though still had to deal with some work stuff. But ya, next time be careful what you wished for. There you go, clearing your leaves now so you don't have to go on 3 weeks' leave at the end of the year. I guess that's good news for yourself. Meanwhile, I still have 10.5 days to clear after taking a day this week and another day 2 weeks later. We have concerts every week in Oct, and almost all of Nov as well. 

I'm just tired thinking about it. On top of all these, more care package for the company and probably some events as well. Just afraid that at the end of the day I'm the one doing everything again. Like all the other care packages, whether was it under R-Team, company or the board's name. I did EVERY SINGLE THING for these 3 packages, under the name of everyone else. I think because I really just didn't know how to delegate work for others to help -- the reason I can never be a leader. Well, that's another story altogether. So I really want to give myself something good after all these ◡̈ 

Wished all these busy times were spent doing proper concerts instead. I really miss doing concerts after concerts, performing everywhere for everyone. We can only hope. 

Rocky Road to Work Life Story

11 years since I graduated in May... and 10 years since I started working (full-time mostly), also in May. It took me almost a year to get a full time job, and hence 10years.

Nonetheless, it was still a bumpy road from there. So I haven't actually worked for 10 years' in terms of actual work. In fact, in between I had really long breaks, till the point I was really scared. And those breaks were like what I'm doing now - Staying home most of the time.

And not all was good with the first few jobs.

Since May 2010, My first full time job was at CFA which lasted a year, second full time job was at DYMC which also lasted year, third one was around 1year8months in AEB. And this is my fourth full time job for 5 years now. so as you can tell, the numbers just don't add up. I worked for about 8years8months and the remaining 1year4months, I'm either not working, or working as a temp.

Anyway, from the very beginning I was really set to get a job in the arts. Either it really wasn't easy, or I was really not cut out for the jobs, there was also a limit to the job title I was interested in. Anyway... the first year after graduated passed by as I did 1 month (or so, max 2 months) temp at CFA, 3 - 4 months temp at SCO Marketing that ended on 31 Dec 2009. And was jobless all the way till I went back to CFA for the same position again (contract this time) in May 2010.

So, that was the first official job, not well paid - diploma starting pay 1.6k, take home around 1.2k. It was considered a full-time job as it came with all the remuneration package, which actually was quite good. At least food in nus is cheap and quite good. Lasted for 1 year, though they said because I could do better elsewhere and didn't want to keep me there with that little amount and the amount of work, I think they felt that I under performed because they didn't even ask me if I was ok on the job and if I wanted to continue. I was quite sure they told me during the decision meeting that the workload wasn't enough for my position so there was also no point, and if I didn't remember wrongly, 不要耽误我。However, I knew that they hired someone before I left although that person only came after I left. A poly grad I think. I was hit quite badly, I acknowledged that I haven't done enough, but really there wasn't much to do at many instances. Maybe it was my problem after all, so never mind.

Obviously I wasn't prepared to leave the job so I didn't think so much and didn't have a lot of time to react. I even booked a long trip in June. So after that first job, I didn't work for 3 months until I was approached for the second job. There was a lot of struggle because the company couldn't pay a normal salary. But I was also desperate so I started in Aug 2011 and I was paid 1.2k for 4-day work week. And I actually agreed. I wasn't doing well in the second job, maybe I was really just incompetent, although there were many things lacking in the company. There were fun times, but mostly, it was bad and I had to endure the 'you are the only one paid in this company' throughout the year even though they know it's peanuts. It was also a year's contract they offered in the beginning, they decided to re-contract although they were not satisfied with my performance. Thinking back, I never left anything undone, but I didn't value add to the company as well because I tried a few times and was brushed off, so eventually I stopped and of course just spent time doing nothing in the office and do only as I was told. But that is being non-initiative. Whatever. Anyway, I was lucky to be able to find the third job so I quit and went over to AEB, almost immediately in Aug 2012.

It's the time I thought I was the most fortunate. A total change of environment and not needing to deal with the same people again. At that time I was really happy because all the colleagues were super nice, and though there were some difficulty in working with some of the band and orchestra instructors, I was quite mature in work by then and could handle most of them. It was a refreshing idea for me. Sad was when the contract ended when the programme came to a close with no renewal, and I had the hardest time ever. I went to an interview at sco in between but I wasn't chosen.

I went on 3 months without any income, after the first month, I was struggling to keep up with myself and my other friends. Because there were also other friends who quit their job at that period of time, we spent some time together, but after that they all moved to their next destination and I didn't have anywhere to go. And that made me even sadder. Eventually, I was thankful to receive help from AEB to let me return as a temp staff in End June, but I was not earning much because of the very supportive job scope they couldn't pay me better. I really had the hardest time from end Mar till end Sep because there is the sudden cut of income, and that's 6 months with no income for three or very little income for the other three. Previous times were not as bad because the income wasn't that much anyway. So I was really living in misery and I cried a lot in this period.

It was only in Oct 2014 that I was transfered to the other department with more responsibility and there I was paid like a normal person, in fact, better than when I was working full time contract for them just that I was paid daily instead of monthly, meaning no work, no pay. Although I met other fun and interesting temp staff there, I wasn't happy that entire period of time. I was doing all paper work and back back end support for SG50 projects related to MOE, it was interesting because there were many many different projects, like I met a lot of people, get excited about their project and they were all thankful of what we were doing. Somehow it really wasn't what I wanted. And I really was struggling because I was also looking for full-time job at the same time but I didn't get selected for any. Went for a few interviews but none were successful, which is also the same case for the period after my first job. That was also the period of time I spent a lot of alone time, because I was upset most of the time but I didn't want to tell any of my friends. And not many friends ask me out on weekends. I spend a lot of Fridays on my own, eating at a quiet place and walking home sometimes on my own. I wasn't close to anyone during that period.

So for the empty periods, I didn't feel good the first time round but the second time was really worse because it is happened again, even after I had a few years of working experience. It is not normal and everyone knows that you have to have some explanation for this empty period. Because employers will definitely ask.

Going for sco's interview in Apr 2015 and eventually starting in May 2015 was the best thing that happened to me in that 2 years. I was in despair, but luckily I didn't give up. And actually I wasn't looking for a job that time because I was supposed to do SG50 till end 2015. I was actually told by a friend to submit my resume quite near to the closing date because I didn't know they were hiring but my now boss had my friend to pass me the message. I went for it, despite knowing that it was an entry-level job. I was obviously over-qualified for the job but I was really determined to get it. I still remember the thrill and the butterfly in me when my now boss called to offer me the job. My hands and my voice was trembling with excitement because I couldn't believe that it's finally happening to me - the only good thing happened to me the entire year. And here I am, still in the job. Gotten better in between.

One thing: self-reminder how hard it was for me to get here and only with that I will continue to work harder. 10 years of working and on!

5 Years - Only I care but I really do

5 years

It may not seem long, but it's the longest I have been in a company, and I'm still counting.

Some thing doesn't seem long but it does. Eg. the song《不该》is already 4 years old and every now and then people are still singing it like it's the hottest song in town. Sodagreen has been gong for 3 years and it felt like eternity. The idea of long or short is a perspective. 5 years may be long to some and in some way while it's like an entire lifetime for some. "Are you sure you are only here for 5 years? You seemed like you have been here forever", one may say. "Wow! You have already worked here for 5 years, any plans of leaving? You don't look like you worked so long", another may say.

Yes, 5 years may seem long (well, not long enough for long service award at SCO). However, I'm still learning new things every now and then. About the work itself, about the people around. Although this period couldn't be more productive and fulfilling as the past, it really allows us to also restart the system. If possible, make it better. I can't say I'm the best worker through these years. I'm definitely not. Not the most hardworking, not the most on the job, not the most tidy person around. But I'm glad that I'm not a useless person around, and probably not someone who will get the complains. (I hope not) Hmm... now I ponder.

Overall, I felt blessed that I am still in a field I have passion for. I really still cannot imagine a day I have to work for non-arts organisation. I remember during one appraisal meeting, it was something about not making good enough progress (probably it was really stagnant for that year, I can't remember which), and ask me to think about why and how I actually made it to SCO. Needless to say, it was a reminder to me how many interviews, rejections and disappointments I have gone through to make it to where I am now. At that moment, I really felt that tears are welling up my eyes, but I really held back. Honestly, I was a little surprised because I suddenly felt that yes, the boss remembers and saw that in me although we never really knew each other much before coming into SCO.

It was true. I applied for a job at SCO for at least 5 times through the past 7 years from just before my last year of studies till I eventually get the job in 2015, trying out for various departments and positions without even considering if I really liked the department. But I specifically remembered 3 interviews - the one in 2008, where the current big boss insisted that I won't be able to cope with my studies and work at that time being a year 3 student, despite clearly stating that I do not have lessons in the day and in fact, I didn't have many modules to cover for that 2 semesters. Maybe he was right, but I just felt that I wasn't given a chance to prove him wrong. Eventually, I also got to know the person who got the job and is still in the company although she has moved to another department. The second one I remembered was halfway through AEB and we got to know that the programme will not be continuing the following year. The job advert came up and it was similar to what I was doing, so I applied. But I still didn't get it. And this last one that I have gone through, though the position was much lower than what I am qualified for, I guess I was mature enough by then to put it through nicely. And I must it is one of the positions that I really wanted. Also, not to forget my short little stint with the marketing department after I graduated.

Another reason was also because the big boss always mention the other colleague whom had tried a few times also to enter to SCO. And I always thought, hey, he is not the only one. Just because you were his mentor for his thesis writing in his college years doesn't mean you should only take note of him. In fact, I interviewed the big boss for one of my assignments back in Year 1 or 2 in my studies. And I didn't make less attempt or interest or ability to work here. But it's all right. It only meant that we have to work to please ourselves, not for others. As long as I have done my job, take up my own responsibility, I don't need people like him to push that kind of testimonial for me.

I must also remember all the time I couldn't find a job and was despair with all the happenings around me. This will remind me that I have to really work hard to keep me at where I am and to push myself forward because nobody else will.

5 years down. I will continue. Esp. when CB really makes me even more sure that I'm staying with the arts.

Journey to the 3rd Conducting Workshop

People always say "Practice makes Perfect". You may think that after doing the workshop for 3 times, it will be an easy piece of work. I would love to think it that way as well. Then I realised that was also the very reason I think I didn't do well enough, because of complacency. I knew that everything will turn out just fine.

I made a few mistakes this time round, in my own opinion. But no one reprimanded me in any way, not yet. But I will reflect upon it myself first. To be fair to everyone and myself. But I'm thankful for people who came in to help at the very last minute. MD, the conductors, the composers, the colleagues, and the participants as well. No one was being difficult at any time of the workshop.

Let's recap.

The first time I heard about and knew I had to do this project was 2 months into my job here, 4.5 years go. I was afraid and nervous all the time. Because I wasn't close to anyone it was really hard for me to get any good help. When my boss handed the news and all those things to me, she told me that people have been informed, and all the information are available... To my horror when I approached the people, nobody knew what was going on. No pianist engaged, no conductors involved and what else I can't even remember. Actually I think even the repertoires wasn't confirmed. I was told in July, the workshop was due to happen in end-Nov. I had about 4 months to get everything together. Meaning, to get colleagues to contact composers to have their composition reduced to piano version, get the pianists to commit their time, do a write-up for the event, draw out the timeline, put up the application form for people to sign up, coordinate with the conductors to view the application videos, eventually choosing suitable applicants as active participants. As well as, do all the emailing work, seating plan, schedule planning, etc. and the actual execution of the workshop.

At the end of the day, the workshop completed with some glitches, esp. when I didn't manage to control the timing for the podium session, due to many reasons. Haha! Also, all the participants were drained due to the long long hours every day, trying to squeeze everything into those short 4 days. That was when I promised that I will make it better for the next one.

I would also like to think that doing this contributed greatly to my promotion 1 year later.

The 2nd workshop happened in 2017, nothing much changed, I had slightly a little more time. The challenge was that we were having it in a less than satisfactory environment due to the hall undergoing renovation. All orchestra podium time were held in the Exhibition Hall, including the Final Presentation. The concourse was undergoing works so the building honestly didn't really look safe to be in. It was embarrassing I must say, though the participants didn't say it. And everyday I get complains from my colleagues about the lack in space in the hall and yet I wanted to add in more and more chairs.

Another challenge was when there were a lot of pull-outs from the programme and eventually we only had 6 participants. But, with lesser participants, it also gave us more leeway on the extra time allowance so there were less worries each day. Allocation was also pretty straight forward because there weren't so many pieces. The only constraint was really the room space, for participants and observers. We could only house very very few observers and they are all seated behind the winds section, which means they probably can't hear a lot as well. The good thing for me was that I had to sit next to MD and it was easier to manage his time. At the presentation, all the pieces were repeated; poor soloist also had to play extra although we cut the piece so that he only play one of the movements twice.

And then... after that workshop, again, I tried to suggest some other ideas and first and foremost is to make the final presentation an evening show so that we can draw more audience to support the participants. HOWEVER, dates were given without negotiation and obviously we were consulted, so the idea had to be compromised because there was a major concert going on the same week by the sub-CO, sy. Planner didn't even consider anything. Yup, the workshop may not be planned by them and they may think it's just an extra project that the company is doing, but well, I think that other than the programme itself, there are many other factors to consider. SY thinks that they are not the priority, but I felt the same way. Maybe then it's time to do it themselves so that there will not be clashes like that?

So just when I thought everything was planned out properly for this year's workshop, there were many many uncertainties, because there were too many variations available, a lot of things can happen and there is no just 1 formula for it. I blame myself for delaying a few things. But was also a little frustrated that some of the things were not done by other departments supporting. Of course, of course, even it's not my fault that I have already informed them earlier, it's my fault that I didn't follow up and caused things to be done last minute. And some of the things still was never done till the very end, and I also think that they have conveniently forgot about it altogether. At the end of the day, I really thought I single-handed managed the entire thing, except for some stuff that I really cannot do myself. I'd probably do them on my own if I have the resources. It was little of a pity that we couldn't reach out to more people but I was glad it went well. With a little overrun on 2 of the sessions. But honestly, I thought I have tried to make changes, but looks like I haven't done enough. I feel that I have made conscious effort to review every single session and provide views on how we can do better for the next one, but it wasn't recognised. Oh well... we will see for the next one then.

17 going 18

Read from my fav artist's private blog post about the new year wishes, looking back into the year and looking forward. You know, I never do New Year resolution since the longest time ever because I feel that most of the things you want to do in life, if you really want to do it, you don't have to wait till new year to decide to do it. And sometimes people list it just to make a list, and these are very short-lived. (or maybe I was just lazy to do it, nonetheless, doesn't mean I do not have any goals in life anyway)

So... roughly this is what he meant, I don't want to quote the entire thing because it's against the rules of the fanclub. He mentioned that we reflect the year, cherish and remember times that are good, forgive but not forget the moments that are unpleasant to us (sounds like preaching but yea, his faith I shall respect). So he said that we can come up with these lists: * Best 3 moments of 2017 * Worst 3 moments of 2017 * Top 3 goals for 2018

I will start with the worst. Honestly, I have come to terms that I don't really want to document bad things that happen to me so I also don't really remember. Haha. That's being positive. Things that are unpleasant usually comes from thoughts and might not have really happened. 

The only incident that triggered me this year... that I will not forget, was the musician insisted that his instrument be left on stage just because our crew didn't instruct them to keep their instruments after the rehearsal. And his intention was to allow the crew to spoil it. But the entire thing doesn't make sense. I don't really wish to elaborate further because the incident is so prominent that I will remember it without noting it. (but actually I have because I had to write a report for it) 

The only other thing would be that I'm still single. HAHA. Which, to this, I must say that every coin has 2 sides. So while it sounds sad... I am also quite blessed to be happily single (at the moment). Because this allowed me to achieve other things which I will go into later. 

Maybe there were other unpleasant things that made me unhappy at that moment, but if I have forgotten about it, it couldn't be too bad then. :)

Now for the best 3 moments:
1. Made a step to travel on my own. Somehow it seems like a big deal at the end of it, having many people tell me that I was brave to do that. But hey, I'm not even going anywhere or doing anything dangerous. It was just a relaxing (not really? looking at my itinerary lol) trip to a place I'm confident that I can do on my own and really be on my own most of the time. In fact, I feel a little uneasy meeting people there than be on my own. Because I was so free most of the time, it tied me down a little when being with someone else, not being able to leave as and when I liked. Haha! To speak the truth, anything that has got to do with 'travel' is always the best thing that happened to me. Other than all the time I had to myself for this trip, I met people with plans or unexpectedly, pushing myself and forcing myself to make decisions and to be disciplined is one of an achievement. I even pushed through all the times I was struggling with then archilles tendon problem. This trip was the best decision I have made the entire year. I loved the other 2 trips all the same - going to UK and Europe for the first time and spending time with my family at my favourite malaysia spot, but this has to be my favourite, in my favouritest country. :) 

2. Going to live shows and concerts that I've longed to go. Yup, like I always say, music is so much a huge part of my life I can't live without it anywhere. Again, took a step and attended a pop concert alone, but never regretted the decision even I looked stupid smiling to myself more than half the time during the concert. Lol. Also gave myself more space and exploration going to different productions throughout the year, and also seeing some of my favourite artists. The 4 musicals I saw in UK were one of the best I have ever seen... they are shows I would have gone even if the travel companions didn't want to go with me. Haha. I was really glad we spent that kind of time there. Recounting shows: Pop - Yoga Lin, CNBLUE, MusicBank, Weibird Wei Li An, Shilla Duty Free Special Concert (really special because it holds some memories in the heart now). Theatre/Musical - Chicago, Detention Katong, 仲夏夜之梦 from Huayi, ITSY, Mamma Mia, Dreamgirls, The Book of Mormon, Les Miserbles, Forbidden City, Mama White Snake. Orchestra - Gustav Dudamel with SSO, Con Brio IV, and worked through many many fantastic concerts with SCO.

3. I got recognised for the work I have done - the bonus on top of the bonus. Haha. That says it. Thankful for all the chances and trust I have had for the 2.5years into the job. Entrusting me with a project so big 2 months into the job was not what I expected. And I sort of started everything else from scratch before the person before just didn't do it. So I started out clueless and there was a very tight deadline. But of course, also with a lot of help and advice from colleagues/conductors. Glad that I changed some of the things the 2nd time doing it, Just need to make it better every time. There was a lack of space, not so conducive environment, but somehow we did it, with many many praises from the participants and lots of rapport made. I'm only going to make it better. But actually, there's only a change in name, and all the other works remains the same. Haha! Honestly, other than some nitty gritty and decision making, I still very much do things on my own. Haha!

Goals for 2018:
Yup, I do not usually set goals for a new year, as the same for the past many many years because I feel that when you have a resolution, you don't have to wait till the new year to start it. It's just an excuse right? But in this year of work, less errors, more space in terms of timeline for things to happen (i hope), and maintain the grade in work (so I get more bonus lah of course). 

Be more open to accept people, be less on my own. It's a little hard but I need to get away from this to move on. Ironically, I'm off on my own a few afternoons this month. Oh wells... 

For anything else, refer to 三十岁的目标 2013年改版
(Reading that, I actually achieved some of them, and it's time to update it a little).. I will, the next time I'm here. :)

就更新一下

很久什麼也沒po了。

也許，有很多事情是不適合在這裡寫的。雖然我的人生也沒什麼好藏的，但也沒有什麼好分享的。就是一個‘無聊’。

除了工作，多數的時候都回家了。現在週末也不會一心想出門了。（有時大家在家的時候還是會）但我又不是那種沒事會一直問朋友要不要出去的人，所以特別的難。反正不是習慣一個人了嗎？

謝謝現在的我把很多的心情放在工作上，畢竟它佔了我們人生多數的時間。很高興我做的是我喜歡的。有怨言但也不太多，每個人偶爾都會埋怨一下吧。這個世界上不可能有完美從來不埋怨的人，所以我覺得《On Call 36》的‘車車’是不可能存在的。所以我當然也不會是一個聖人。但我卻學到了很多，領悟了很多，也很清楚不可能永遠賴在這裡不走，因為這個地方是沒有辦法往上走的。

Oh well, at least I have been and done it. Some day, I will go further. 

其實有蠻多心裡有一點開心的事，但覺得不好在這裡分享了。我知道就好。:) 

希望其他人有找到自己想走的路。也希望我可以繼續尋找下一個想要的東西。謝謝。

PS: Honestly, I tried to update a piece about some things worth noting from last year, but never got myself to do it properly. And I guess I won't be doing it now. Sighs. =x

First farewell

Had a surprise farewell party by the colleagues. We thought it was going to be a small dinner with the boss at her place. It turned out that some other colleagues were already there waiting for us. Well I sort of suspected a few of them because of some illogical things they were saying. So anyway I forgot about it while on our way there and of course I don't want to spoil anything if it's real. Haha! 

But really touched to see them there! One intern couldn't join us though. Had fun talking, eating, singing and laughing. There's even a decor and cake and they made a video which I watched until I cried because it was just toooo funny. All the fun that we had, even though it was just a few months with some of them. 

Totally grateful for colleagues turn friends like them. Will never forget them for sure. And I hope my colleagues in future could be at least a bit fun-loving like them. As the little gifts from them. Totally awed by the effort that was put in. Love. 

Coming to an end in 1 week.

Frankly speaking, it's been some good time with the kids.

And today was one of the best days with them. I think I really will be sad to see them graduate. Okay, I'd be happy to see them finish the whole programme, enjoy themselves and have a very good graduation concert. But well, it's sad that that's the end.

One student told me the time is too short, why couldn't it be longer and why can't they join again. Ya, true. But think about it, what if the 2nd time isn't as enjoyable as the first? What if the expectation was so high that in the end you felt that you didn't enjoy as much as the 1st? After that he agreed. Haha!

It's just like when I went to COcamp in sec school. Although I was disappointed that I didn't mange to join the 2nd year in the end (I was totally looking forward to it and was sad we are not allowed to go because it was SARS, O levels chinese got postponed and school doesn't allow us to join), I was glad that I was kept to the experience from the 1st time I went with all the close friends.

Today was kinda important, as it's the last proper rehearsal. And I helped them took a group photo. Very happy that all of them were enthusiastic the moment I asked them to. Very happy to be able to know a number of them and very happy to be able to see them through the whole programme.

Touched to hear them sweet talk me even though sometimes I trouble the students from the hosting school. And sometimes I'm really strict and show my black face to them. HAHA! At least that's what I think. But I really like it that there's really fun-loving students, and even though some of them really ALWAYS piss me off, they are all quite cute actually.

I've been feeling guilty about the ticket thing. But I'm glad most of them understands and unlike some of the students last year (sad to say) who kept on pestering me in a bad way. I mean, I'm already trying to do everything within my means to ensure everyone at least get something, I don't expect them to be grateful, but at least not resentful right. I know the last batch some of them had quite good relationship with the previous exec, but well, there are some students worth being there for.

And this year, I'm lucky to get these bunch of lovely kids. Both primary and secondary. The primary school kids are too cute already. Although they are also very very very mischievous and blur, they are still quite cute.

Bought things for them, hope it will come in time and they will like it. :)

All in all, I will miss them. HAHA!

And next month, will be facing yet another farewell, Awwww.

Thinking about my life

I think this year my biggest hope is to contribute more to my parents and bring them to more eating places that they might not be able to go on their own. Well, before I get dried not working (Hopefully not) :/

我有想過留在現在的工作，因為我真的在做我喜歡的事。但是我卻不應該留下來。今天在想，原來‘想’和‘應該’是這麼矛盾的。It's something I like, but because of the surrounding factors, there's no point in staying for long. And in fact, that's what everyone else thinks as well. And I really like the environment and the people here. I must say, the best colleagues I've met by far. I will really feel sad when I leave. And the rapport that I've built with the students in the past year is also something I felt wasted when I have to go. Well, the fact that we all know that we should go. It's a pity that what we are doing now is so trivial to them. (not to the office/group but to the whole system), and it's something they cannot control at the moment also.

If you ask me what's my next step, honestly, I see it as 'very blake' and I really wouldn't give you a definite answer. To be truthful, I've been so many downs in life (I wouldn't even say ups and downs), I'm kind of afraid that it will come to me again. But I'm kind of left with no choice. And I will have to step out again. Again, I wished to continue in the area that I'm most interested in and is capable of, however, reality tells me that I should go into something else that might help me better in my future. I totally have no idea what I should do.

Of course, more importantly I will have to complete my tasks on hand before I end my term with them. Will certainly miss everything here. And of course, I want to make these last 2 projects a success that I don't have to leave with regrets.

Lately there are too many happenings that alerted me that I really have to look around me more and care about the people around me more. It must have been really tough for them. Not knowing what happened to that friend's dad, I don't want to speculate about it, but I know that deep down he must be feeling awful and that the burden on him has become heavier. The other, brother of my friend, a husband and father of a young child, took his own life, not sure why, but made me think. There's a lot of reason to do so. And I've always thought, even if life is really tough on me, I wouldn't have had the courage to do anything similar. As much as I'm afraid of life, I'm afraid of death. For someone to take his own life away, it's not a easy thing to do. But as selfish as it may seem to leave the family in heartbroken state and in pain, the decease deserve the pity that something must have drove him to the wits end for him to make that decision. I'm not sure if that's the best way to solve anything, but I'm conscious of knowing that anyone having thoughts like that are at the border and really just need some help and encouragement from people around. And we just got to be more sensitive of our close ones. It cannot be something that just happen overnight without any signs. I got to know about it in the afternoon, and honestly, I'm still in shock.

And till lately, I'm more afraid to think about my parents' old age than anything else. Honestly, they are still in the pink of health, but I'm really afraid of that day coming. So I have to be as attentive to them as I can be onwards.

My deepest condolences to these 2 friends. I hope their family members will be fine and will be over this soon. It's difficult but I really hope they do and they stay healthy and strong.

Work's treating me.

Been too long, I hope this is not going to be an overdose. Ytd my colleague and I realised that time has really passed so fast that we already almost halfway into this year and 2 months ever since the new contract started. To think about it, I felt I was a bit too timid to ask for more. Nonetheless, I know that's not exactly what I cared for although it would have helped a bit more now that I need more money for trips and concerts. haha!

Btw, new term has started for the talent programme and I'm kind of skeptical about it, having new instructors, new students I haven't had a chance to talk to all of them (I hope I do in time to come). Starting anything new is never easy (well, taking over wasn't easy too). But new challenges is something we just have to go through in life. I never like too much changes, but I've grown to accept that they will just keep coming after all these years of the unexpected(s). I guess life has taught me through the hard way. 

I don't know how long I will stay here. In fact, I like the place and the people if not for some factors. It's a pity but we all know that we will not be able to stay forever, not even long. This is quite sad, but I guess the colleagues are really people I will continue to contact. We are more like friends than just colleagues which I was quite thankful for. Plus the team is really good to the point that sometimes I feel so clueless and they already have everything done nicely. My team colleagues are so nice they are always trying to take care of us and help us in any way they can, like just random chat, sharing food, offering to drive us out/back after work. Really greatful to meet such nice people. Just today (1 June), I had a great chat with them over working at the band orientation programme. Next session onwards, I'm gonna be alone there again. But well, accept and take it with stride (my moto now).

For the other team, I am thankful that the students, or rather, members, are really kind of nice. They are experienced, and sometimes too outspoken, but I'm glad they could talk to me, and not treat me like some transparent. And in fact, I was quite touched that a few of them actually thanked me for being there for the rehearsals and going through all these. Honestly, music has always been my passion, doing an orchestra work has always been my dream (just that I'm a bit clueless here sometimes because of the inconsistency), and here I really still have a lot to work on. But I've also told my other colleague doing the youth sinfonia, that I know it's going to be difficult, but I will take it with stride and do whatever I can. Actually I said this only to encourage her because she was feeling uncomfortable with it at first. And probably she's going through what I felt last time - i.e. not liking changes. But sometimes we just got to change, and I'm getting her to accept that, I think she is and I'm happy for her. 

It's hard work lately, so much so I haven't had chance to get myself a weekday off day even though I worked for a few saturdays. I'm so gonna have it next week. Accumulated too many hours, I think I have enough for my TW trip, without the need to take any AL. HAHA! 

I think I should sleep soon. Been falling sick too much lately. Started with the sore throat and fever, then the swollen blistered up bites, and then some blocked nose. Okay, I haven't slept so late ON PURPOSE for a long time. I said that because I was forced to - due to the blocked nose, and the itch on the bites most of the time. Other than the nights I had the drowsy medicine from seeing the doctor, the rest of the nights were pretty bad. In the sense I totally have no mood to put on any make-up in the morning because my thought was I want to get to sleep faster when I return home at night. Some days I really looked terrible my colleagues asked me what happened to me. But still, everyday I went through the same torture of having new mosquito bites, scratching them a bit here and there, and having some with awful blisters. It was the blisters that forced me to the doctor because the first few turn really bad I couldn't even walk properly. My arms and legs (mostly the left) are covered with red swollen patches from bites, time to time. It's kind of gross and I have done all I can to prevent bites but still, in the end I had like 4 on my face. =.= I really need all these to stop like soon or even, right now! It's damn unfair, I'm the only one who gets all these bites wherever I was. Some are really painful and/or itchy, I hope they are not leaving scars. TSK! And I already finished the cream given by the doctor to kill the bateria. 

Yup. So that's it. I have to get back to good health condition and skin condition before my dearest cuzzie's big day. I HOPE! 

End of Batch 2012

Very happy that my kids completed the programme and put up a good show for the concert.

My responsibility with them is almost done, except for the post concert reception, which was sad because the school teacher wasn't very supportive. However, I'm happy to see my students so happy and excited for the day, and some very nervous ones. But they are so cute! HAHA! Omg I will miss the kids I think, the primary school ones are really too cute already, even though they are very naughty. Secondary school ones are very nice students though, very funny some of them, and although a bit irritating sometimes, I still love them the same. Haha!

Actually I felt the day was almost gone in a flash. I don't even really feel the day gone. I was only worried for some things that didn't go the way I wished it did. But luckily it was resolved in the end. And I was glad that I actually had time for dinner, at least! Hehe!

It may not be the best concert you can get, but it's still the hardwork of the students, the conductors and the tutors. But something to reflect for next year: not to let them anyhow change repertoire. haha! Heart attack to listen to some of them.

For myself, a lot to learn from this concert. Happy that I run my first concert ever. Like in control of almost everything, although not exactly. But I felt it and I kind of enjoyed it. :)

And now it's my colleagues' turns to get busy and nervous. hehe! I wish them all the best though, I will they will be good anyway. :)

Don't ask.

Ending my 3rd week. 

Think about it, I've done a lot but haven't really done a lot too. Maybe there's just too much. And sometimes I just feel a little depressing looking at the current situation. But that is so not me, so I decided to take it in stride. Do what I can and take what is there for me.

Everyone kept asking me the same 2 questions of the past and current, and I already feel very sick answering them all the time. I wouldn't say what they ask, quite sensitive issues. And to speak the truth, I feel a bit embarrassed answering them. I hope they will ask me no more. :)

Perhaps, it was never a good decision from the start of this whole life. (not referring to this current job)

I'm enjoying what I'm doing to be honest, if only the returns are slightly better. And I'm not asking much anyway, so I need to do something more in my life. Just got to work harder i guess.

It's the end of it.

Everything seems so fast. I think we all didn't have the time to react. At least not me. It feels like I still have a lot of things undone. And haven't gotten everything settled. Looks like I have to go back to at least tie up the loose ends. Some stuff i haven't really hand over? Hmm.. Omg. Sometimes I think I'm a irresponsible worker. And maybe that's the reason why I wasn't given the offer anymore? It's not officially the end yet, but quite there.

Anyhows, 看开 already lah. It's not the kind of things that is in my total control, whatever comes, I just have to take it, right? 现在是抱着‘船到桥头自然直’，‘水来土掩，兵来将挡’，还有一点听天由命的心情看待。真的，说的是容易，做一定做得到吗？But then again, 一直以来我的工作运都还蛮烂的，可以一辈子不工作吗？=x But I need a rich husband first. That's like harder than looking for a job, because my 财运 and 爱情运 is even worse I think. Omg. I don't know what I can depend on actually. Kind of sad to know. Bahhh....

But I hope that the rush in leaving everything there doesn't affect their work. I guess they will still do well, without me, and with a new staff. I'm not irreplaceable anyway. And true enough, it's time for me to move on perhaps. I tend to stay in my comfort zone if I can. And I could have just 赖着不走 even though it's a 不怎么样的工作. HAHA. Maybe I should start getting used to moving around.

Erm. I don't what is installed for me in future yet, or if there's anything installed at all. Actually more like what I have installed myself for. I hope I'm not going to have any regrets giving such a big promise to it. :)

I'm tired. Need to sleep. Forever also can. =x

累

I wondered when I could be relieved. I hope soon. Everything going through my mind is so uptight. 真的，眉头会不知不觉的深锁。等我发现的时候，不知已经锁了多久。我并不喜欢这样的感觉，也应该没有人喜欢吧。如果发现自己的眉头有锁起来了，我会用手把它匀开，还提醒自己不要一直这样，但没办法耶！

Do some homework, waiting for responds. Definitely not the period of time I like, but yup, like I said before, no choice. Have to continue to find and then wait again.

I don't want to explain so much and again anymore.

That's it. I'm tired.

Time's up, game over.

I believe that everyone will meet with changes in life. Somehow I just have to face it more often. I don't like changes as often as this, but I will take it with stride. I mean there's nothing I can do to stop it now anyway right?

That day I was still talking with Via and saying like it's almost a year I'm here. And indeed, the 1year is ending and never continuing anymore. A bit disappointed, but it serves as a good decision making point. I wouldn't say that I'm prepared to stay in this job for long, but I didn't expect that it would be this fast. And the reason why I didn't want to leave as yet was because I wanted the whole experience of the work from the starting of the year till the end. Involved in a whole year's work. And I can tell people, 'yah, I've been through all of it'. But it's not going to come true then. It's fine, it's just life and people telling me, 'yes, you need to change'. Actually I have friends telling me that all along.

After this I actually hope I can jump out of the box. I hope I will still be able to remain in the arts. But hopefully not in a different field of arts. Erm, yup I hope. And then I'm thinking of the other thing that I have been wanting to do. Maybe I can start doing it already! Since I will no longer be associated like now. Hope so! :)

Okay, I'll start looking. And thanks to friends whom shown your concerns (you know who you are), I appreciate it. But I must say I'm the kind of person who is not good at both the giving and receiving end of consolation. And the more consolation I get, the easier I breakdown. So it's okay, just pray for me k. Thank you very much.

After the mad rush

All the frantic moments are gone and we are back to normal. However, somehow i prefer all the hard work to go through. rather than to stay on the desk and had not much goals to follow. So should i say i prefer a more eventful work life? hahaha.

Anyways, it was really an eventful Nov. And it's going to be an eventful Dec too! (as it always is) I'm quite happy that some things are going to happen and some things that have happened.

Suddenly i'm lost for words for how i feel the whole time. I'm actually grateful that we had a bunch of very helpful student helpers for this period. While I was sometimes lost in what i'm supposed to do, they have nv doubted me, or so i think at least. (HAHA!) And glad that they are quite enthu towards doing everything. :) Oh and seriously i think i owe julian sng one. He seriously agreed to help me at the very last min. Plus it was us who didn't have the great idea whether we need another or not. But luckily we did, and luckily he did! I'm super thankful to have a friend like that. :) And through the whole event, we realised how long and how well we knew each other, although these few years we interact lesser. hahaha! Not bad ah... Heh.

Another reason to be happy... there were some compliments here and there. (though there were reprimands too). But i was quite surprise to have those comments. lol. And it gives me the motivation to do even better the next time round. Oh.. that is if i'm still here next year. HAHA. But actually i hope i still am. And in fact i'm quite comfortable with the environment as of now? haha.. we'll see lah. :)

Mad rush at work

It's really a mad rush trying to get everything done... and i think it will be even a bigger and madder rush the following days until the exam is over. OMG. I hope i get everything done so that the exam will go on smoothly and I wouldn't create any trouble for my colleague anymore.

Just last week, i was rather angry with myself for something i ought to do, but didn't. I feel super guilty everytime we realise extra work has to be done becos of me. I blame myself for being careless and all. I wasn't thoughtful enough some of the time and forgetful most of the time. I can't believe how forgetful i can get. We only have less than 3 working days to get everything done. Argh. And here i am. still on the net. Still blogging. Well. I hope tmr will be a better day, for me to complete whatever is necessary.

This is my first time involved in this whole thing, i'm already quite uncertain and nervous abt it, yet it has to be at a new venue. Ah.. I think i really have to prepare myself mentally and physically. Been trying to wake up earlier to go work earlier, but failed. Only managed to do it 1day last week. LOL.

After this whole mad rush period, i'm going off for a little break with my dears. Happy that horng is coming back for a short holiday, haven't seen her in a thousand years, and she's only coming back for such a short while. Then again, becos of this i feel guilty again cos there are days during my leave that has exam. Though not always long day, my colleague has to handle it tgt with my boss and part timer. I hope it will be fine. 

Ok. Off to sleep.