Thinking about my life

I think this year my biggest hope is to contribute more to my parents and bring them to more eating places that they might not be able to go on their own. Well, before I get dried not working (Hopefully not) :/

我有想過留在現在的工作，因為我真的在做我喜歡的事。但是我卻不應該留下來。今天在想，原來‘想’和‘應該’是這麼矛盾的。It's something I like, but because of the surrounding factors, there's no point in staying for long. And in fact, that's what everyone else thinks as well. And I really like the environment and the people here. I must say, the best colleagues I've met by far. I will really feel sad when I leave. And the rapport that I've built with the students in the past year is also something I felt wasted when I have to go. Well, the fact that we all know that we should go. It's a pity that what we are doing now is so trivial to them. (not to the office/group but to the whole system), and it's something they cannot control at the moment also.

If you ask me what's my next step, honestly, I see it as 'very blake' and I really wouldn't give you a definite answer. To be truthful, I've been so many downs in life (I wouldn't even say ups and downs), I'm kind of afraid that it will come to me again. But I'm kind of left with no choice. And I will have to step out again. Again, I wished to continue in the area that I'm most interested in and is capable of, however, reality tells me that I should go into something else that might help me better in my future. I totally have no idea what I should do.

Of course, more importantly I will have to complete my tasks on hand before I end my term with them. Will certainly miss everything here. And of course, I want to make these last 2 projects a success that I don't have to leave with regrets.

Lately there are too many happenings that alerted me that I really have to look around me more and care about the people around me more. It must have been really tough for them. Not knowing what happened to that friend's dad, I don't want to speculate about it, but I know that deep down he must be feeling awful and that the burden on him has become heavier. The other, brother of my friend, a husband and father of a young child, took his own life, not sure why, but made me think. There's a lot of reason to do so. And I've always thought, even if life is really tough on me, I wouldn't have had the courage to do anything similar. As much as I'm afraid of life, I'm afraid of death. For someone to take his own life away, it's not a easy thing to do. But as selfish as it may seem to leave the family in heartbroken state and in pain, the decease deserve the pity that something must have drove him to the wits end for him to make that decision. I'm not sure if that's the best way to solve anything, but I'm conscious of knowing that anyone having thoughts like that are at the border and really just need some help and encouragement from people around. And we just got to be more sensitive of our close ones. It cannot be something that just happen overnight without any signs. I got to know about it in the afternoon, and honestly, I'm still in shock.

And till lately, I'm more afraid to think about my parents' old age than anything else. Honestly, they are still in the pink of health, but I'm really afraid of that day coming. So I have to be as attentive to them as I can be onwards.

My deepest condolences to these 2 friends. I hope their family members will be fine and will be over this soon. It's difficult but I really hope they do and they stay healthy and strong.