Progressing in Work

It has really been months. Many changes in life though many things stayed the same too. It was no doubt that I have become busier with all the new job scope (although nothing was written in the promotion letter). I have endless fitting sessions for the uniform, and nope, I am not done yet. I hope it will be by the end of this month, so that we can really get this over and be done with, because I have soooo many other work waiting to be done. Now we also have 6 musician positions (2 are the same instrument) to fill. I have never headed 1 audition, needless to say 5! It is definitely giving me a headache, given the tight timeline. Almost forced to the wall, and still have many other matters to manage at the same time. As much as I think I should let musicians do some of the work themselves, I feel a little more at ease to help them do it to know that it has definitely been done. So actually I brought it upon myself. 

It also didn't help that the colleague is not no longer in lead for the orchestra portion and will be waiting for me to voice out concerns so he can help. In a way it is good because then I get to make the decision but it worries me sometimes because I'm also not quite good at decision making. Actually, neither is he. 

And worse, he was out of action for almost the entire first quarter of the year. Poor thing regarding his health, but I would appreciate more if I was told earlier that I will on my own most of the time. We also had a temp staff for 2 months, and I thought I will receive help. I even briefed her on the rehearsal procedures and said will probably need her help. But never did she appear once without my exact instructions. I was too tired to deal with this so I just do everything myself. 

I know it is a bad habit because I seldom call for help and I sometimes do not know when I should call for help, unless someone asked. This is something I definitely need to learn. The problem also lies that I only trust my own work and sometimes I'm probably too shy to ask as well. 

So very drowned in work, although there is still a sense of accomplishment as I feel that I have grown again in this job and environment. I feel that I'm able to give more constructive recommendations and involved in more important discussions. It really helps to stimulate more brain activities to keep things going, even though it was really really tiring. :')

In the nutshell, I'm still happy to be here for the past 7 years (on 4 May), and I will maybe continue for at least the next few years. ◡̈ 

More busy stuff

Continuously being busy, I'm still guilty of missing out stuff and doing very last minute things. I'm really glad that all the musicians are soooo understanding. I have never felt this way, and I'm not sure if it's because of covid that they have become more bearable with multiple changes and many last minute duties. Even though I informed them of something they have to do and have to come by company only a few days in advance, I never thought that no one said something negative to me at all (whether they thought about it I don't know and I can't care much). And some of them even thanked me for what I've been doing. Even though not all of them say, I'm already thankful for the little appreciations I get. After all the late night work, maybe I'm just not efficient. I have so many backlogs and I feel bad for not giving some information earlier.

Thankful that colleagues really believed in me and never question me too much. But can't help feeling a little guilty when I miss out like updates to musicians not coming and etc. But I'm the only one doing everything leh. :( 

Thankful that colleagues prefer me over other colleague, which also means, sometimes I do more. I've probably done like stage crew duty for concerts since last year, i think like 4 or 5 altogether and obviously he hasn't done any. And he said nobody asked him, while I have heard different stories -- that even though production side already told him he needs to help, he was nowhere to be seen during the rehearsal/show. hehe. And they wanted to reject the idea that I won't be down for duty next week! I don't know to be happy or sad. But I think through all these I also really learnt that their job is really not easy (I think I have said this somewhere before). I'm happy to let my colleague experience it a little (heard it's also quite tedious this time round), but also that if he does then he will have the chance to brag or "complain" next time. It's a dilemma but we are just going according to what was agreed and of course I don't want to overwrite this although I would rather do this concert than the next one for obvious reasons -- the soloists. LOL

But well, we should all have our time for things. At the same time, I'm still gonna get busy for the upcoming deadline. I'm just so nervous for the end product and the responses. I think I need to close my ears. Or just get my colleague to do it next time because he really gives no shit to what people say. I can't. 

Goodnight, got to gear up for the morning tomorrow. Com'on we can do it! It's just another 3 months till end of year!

Great to be Busy (I guess)

It's really been a few crazy months, even more so with all the changes and things that I have to do which I don't even know why. Yet, amidst all these, I have to find time to clear leave. And obviously, cannot go on leave with a peace of mind. 

All the things came at the same time previously. The uniform, the recording, the live demo, and all the concerts. As if it was not enough, there's also many changes to the concerts over the last few months, and the live demo got postponed, and the rehearsal schedules changed or got cancelled. 

Although it's frustrating for things to get cancelled or postponed at the last minute, I'm slightly relieved that the live demo got postponed too. It's really a dilemma whether I want it to be postponed or not. But if it haven't, then I would have died by now, manning everything myself. 

And of course, things happen here and there, one day my boss felt me when I approached her for some musicians matter, having to still deal with all the nitty gritty while being busy with all the big stuff. Yea, sometimes I really don't know if it's a blessing when I get approached so much more often than the colleague. Between doing up all the tables, papers, schedules, consolidation for over 50 people, arranging for 80 people to do their measurement, I also had to deal with the rehearsals, absentee, taking leave, scores and many others. If I really manage to pull it off at the end of the day, I really deserve to give myself a pat on my back. 

I really find no time for myself. Every day I just think of how much I have left, undone. And yet, picking up things whenever the others drop it. Suddenly some matters become my responsibility. It's really weird and I'm pretty sure that wasn't what was discussed previously. Honestly, I have already done everything I should, and shouldn't. I don't get it that I'm not the one who required all these, but had to be the one conveying the message when the decision maker is someone of so much more power than me. At the end of the day it really boils down to human relation, so many of them are so afraid to deal with musicians because they cannot treat them properly. I mean honestly, I always say this in defence to the musicians not because I'm trying to get their approval but I always treat them with respect and so vice versa. Of course, I have been friendly most of the time but I also know to be firm with them whenever needed. That's all was needed, it's not like I had to please anyone but doesn't mean I have to be rude to them just because they don't get it sometimes. 

At the end of the day, I know that they will appreciate what good people have done for them. And even when I had to be the baddie sometimes, they still are thankful for what I could do for them most of the time and believed me because I don't cover things up. If I'm wrong, I just apologise and move on. And they are forgiving because they know it's genuine. But some people are really fake, if you don't mean it then don't say it. 

And it's weird that all the responsibility really came to me. I remembered they say that they didn't need us to be there, just maybe the first day. But this person has never been present and left all the matters to me. So at the start I had to decide if we could let the musician continue recording, actually, I shouldn't be the one deciding. I was never part of the production part of the videos, so I don't know why I was there. Requirements was not said properly, I only remembered them saying musicians could wear anything they like but be presentable. I didn't know what was the set up like because I didn't need to know, so obviously I wasn't there for the set up but they expected that I should know what they wanted the video to look like, which I have no idea. So attire was informed at the last minute, fine. So similarly, I wasn't the one who required the look, but the boss has requirements but didn't want to inform musician directly when we are all in the same zoom (but I was on leave or away so I didn't catch it in time). That wasn't the deal really. 

But my boss is really a hero. She saved me today from a musician's enquiry and hand it back to the other boss doing it. Although musician might still be unhappy at the end of the day because it's really not our problem with this. And they could have better manage it. Oh well, all boils down to our technicians forever unable to support things fast. If they could answer my question in the first place yesterday then there wouldn't have been so much trouble. But it's okay, their boss should solve it anyway. 

And then, I believed that the dates shouldn't have been done by me. It's funny that the programmer did not even know the postponed date, which was already discussed earlier as the contingency plan in the meeting, which I had to miss due to something else. And again, her boss (that same other boss) didn't inform her that the announcement has been made. Can't believe that I had to do all these. 

Though MH is also sad now, because she should have been free by end of the month from all the solo stuff, now that the demo has been pushed to Nov, she's not any better. But previously when she asked when will I then be freed from these, honestly it's really when they go on bloc leave. I don't want to even think about it. 

And then there are people who talked about how to clear their annual leave when they have x number of days left like it's impossible and feels like it's a chore. It's really a no-wonder that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I had more days and it's even more impossible for me to clear. I just give a smirk in my heart. In the end? He had to go on leave for his family matters, though still had to deal with some work stuff. But ya, next time be careful what you wished for. There you go, clearing your leaves now so you don't have to go on 3 weeks' leave at the end of the year. I guess that's good news for yourself. Meanwhile, I still have 10.5 days to clear after taking a day this week and another day 2 weeks later. We have concerts every week in Oct, and almost all of Nov as well. 

I'm just tired thinking about it. On top of all these, more care package for the company and probably some events as well. Just afraid that at the end of the day I'm the one doing everything again. Like all the other care packages, whether was it under R-Team, company or the board's name. I did EVERY SINGLE THING for these 3 packages, under the name of everyone else. I think because I really just didn't know how to delegate work for others to help -- the reason I can never be a leader. Well, that's another story altogether. So I really want to give myself something good after all these ◡̈ 

Wished all these busy times were spent doing proper concerts instead. I really miss doing concerts after concerts, performing everywhere for everyone. We can only hope. 

Words of Schooling Memories

How often do you reminiscent about the past?

I thought I do it quite often, but we all only remember what we want to and also only remember it the way we want to, don't we?

There are some things that I always remember (whether always correctly or wrongly). Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm used to keeping a dairy since primary school and so I really have quite a substantial amount of records. Some of them I just want to flip through really fast because the contents were really boring and repetitive or it is something I really remembered so I didn't have to read it again. 

I have read each of my dairies a few times through the years and I'm sure I feel the same every time I read it again -- "I was really immature", "That was really stupid", "I should've known the ending then", "oh yes, that's exactly how I felt", "some things don't change", etc. Can't believe I wrote so much -- some really useless stuff. [Even now actually lol]

But all of those, was what made of my teenage years, whether or not some of the matters were really illogical, but I did those anyway. 

And then I also read all the cards (again as well) I have received over the years, and also messages friends have written for me, be it in my autograph book (it was such a hit last time) or on our class photo or a message in any sort. These are the things that I really forgot. Some cards were from friends I least expected, like we weren't even close or we have lost contact now. But, it also made me think that it was because I sent them something for the occasion and hence I got something in return. Thinking back, I really loved to send people cards, esp. for Christmas, and I was really afraid to miss out anyone so I really send it to everyone so I don't really care if that person is really a close friend. And from some of the cards, you could really tell you sent me one just because I did. But it's okay, I'm still happy to receive them and that's why I still have them till now. To be honest, I was so close to discarding some of them because I really wanted to declutter. But after posting on IG, a few friends asked me to keep them so I really did. After all, I was also rather hesitant to throw them in the first place. So I literally retrieve some of the items back from the bag of trash. 

And then, on the content, I realised many of my friends had written something along the line that I am lazy but smart, lazy but good in math (or just good in math), rather crazy, and ask me not to play but to study already. Things true friends say. I'm not even kidding but I was a little surprised. So I tried to think of crazy things I do or instances when I was in my crazy self, but I couldn't remember any. I have no idea why. All the remaining memories of my schooling days were how miserable I was. But I guess it wasn't all bad back in school. 

No matter what, it was interesting to go back to things I have written and things friends have written for me. And to remember that I had fun school days. And so, that small little clutter is still there to stay. :)

Plans vs Reality

Somehow, this thought came to me today. 

I cleared a little corner of my work station today, when no one told me I should do it. I think this is the rebellious side of me, all along since young. I hate it when I was told I need to practice my violin, and my mother never ever asked me to practice Erhu. Maybe that's why I practiced Erhu more than violin. I really only like to do things when I'm not being forced to. So even I have the urge to practice violin and my mother said I need to practice before I did, I won't even do it anymore. 

And example, my mother scold me for being messy, and ask me to do this and do that, depending on what is it, I may or may not do it, if I do, unwillingness is all over my face. But I like to do things in my own pace and I am willing to do that any time when I feel like it. So don't tell me what to do. 

And this is also probably the reason I really want to stay on my own in future. I was controlled my entire life, on what I should and shouldn't do. I hate it and it's really something I will to break away from. Recently, I'm also rather worried that this goal will be a little difficult to achieve because of the amount of money I need to save. And just today, I was thinking, how about I get a flat with another single? (who is definitely not my sister) But, what if the person also wants to tell me what to do with my life? I just want to be carefree with no one even asking why do I do something. But money is an issue. :(

Yes, there are plenty of options in life. And choices are always made with a reason or with limitations. It's true, that more assets call for more possibilities and choices, but I'm also a rather reserved person by nature. Happened to read something about this recently. I always say that self-help books are not for me, because even with the advices they provide, if I have had the ability to do it, I would have already done so. Maybe I should really change my opinions a little. I will continue to read on to decide. It's 蔡康永‘s 这是你的人生啊.

Oh well, I'm hoping things will get better. I'm also really trying to save more money. No new clothes is the most important. Also hope I will be able to sell off some of the clutter I have at home. hahaha. And I think I'm really just good with maybe a 3-room flat in future. If I could afford a 4-room it will be good but I doubt so. Looking at how my colleagues got theirs even with their pay range, I think it will be difficult for me to achieve better. Alternatively, I may really consider moving to less mature estate if it is really bad moving forward. 

I hope I will have the motivation to do what I should and continue. ◡̈ 

貓與狗

記得小時候我沒有那麼喜歡貓, 也許因為沒有甚麼接觸, 也許是因為二姐是愛狗之人, 身邊也只有養狗的人, 沒有人養貓, 所以對貓沒什麼感覺. 長大了以後, 看著家周圍的那些貓咪, 才漸漸對貓的關注越來越深. 

本來也覺得沒什麼, 就現在比較喜歡貓的個性. 今天看到朋友分享作家張曼娟在FB寫的一段話, 突然有一種'終於了解'的感覺. 她說她的朋友這麼形容她「我行我素，很有主見，又帶點神祕感，像貓一樣的女人。」雖然沒有人這樣形容我, 但我自己對號入座了. 這就是在形容我啊!

想起平時和朋友討論現在比較喜歡貓的原因, 也許因為比較沒責任感又懶, 就覺得貓不需要我那麼多的注意力和那麼有規律的生活 - 我不需要每天都帶它去樓下散步. 我不需要把我的所有時間都給它. 它不會一直黏著我, 真正需要我的時候才找我; 我需要它的時候可以去找它 (一廂情願的想法, 呵呵).

這點也讓我想到我身邊的朋友和我自己交友的狀況. 我不需要一直關注我的朋友或男朋友(如果將來有的話), 我也不希望需要一直去關注甚麼人. 我覺得我不需要一直去取悅甚麼人, 像貓一樣. 我也不想要有狗一直跟著我, 這樣會讓我沒有空間, 喘不過氣. 所以我要的不是人, 就是一隻貓?

唉... 難怪了...

It's all about looking back and looking forward

Best 3 moments of 2020

1. Spending (a lot) more time at home and with family. Esp. my parents. Understanding and being more patient with them in the year. It's a test for myself as well. There were a lot of meltdowns in the beginning but we all made it together. Mum is better than expected while sometimes Dad is problem. 

2. Though meeting up is more difficult, but it also meant that meet-ups were more meaningful. Due to many constraints, meet up with people who are important, and cared enough to want to meet me too. Because contrary to popular belief, I'm not quite sociable, and I do not take initiative (most of the time). So I'm glad that friends still remember me and sometimes pull me out of my shell to go out. I spent more of the time at home since Apr's CB, and is rather comfortable doing so. Hence, I haven't really find the need to ask people out. So I'm really thankful for all the food deliveries, care and concern people around has given to me. And esp. when visiting or dining out was impossible during my birthday, I felt loved, even though it doesn't seem a lot, it is more than what I usually have. 

3. Had a good appraisal for the year, even though I was slightly thinking that I may not have deserved it due to the lack of work when CB started. I always say that I do not like changes. But habits can really be grown, and even though I do not like the changes, I think I adapt pretty fast. And probably it's just my happy-go-lucky personality that allowed me to pull through so many different tasks away from my normal tasks during this period of time. And glad that I haven't made it worse for the other departments which I have to cover for. :) Good experience overall! It was when I realised that their job is really not easy at all even though most of the time it is manual work. It also requires good coordination between everyone, good job delegation and planning, good memory, and definitely needs some practising. Even so, I am still so much more nervous than doing my normal job because I made mistakes during rehearsals! And also placed one of their instruments wrongly during one of the shows. I will never look at their job and responsibilities the same again.

Worst 3 moments of 2020

1. Of course, it comes with the virus. Had to cancel my trip to Japan, first thing first. Just when I finally decided that Japan is my next destination for travel. And at current they are not getting any better, so I doubt the trip will be any time soon, and my air ticket is still on hold. 

2. The moment I realised that some friends are not worth my prioritisation anymore. I don't know how I could ever make it better. I know that some friends in the group are definitely worth keeping and I know they feel the same. But the other few, I don't know. I just don't know.

3. Probably the worst but also one of the best. Went for a few walks (like really a few only), and one of them was in a heavy rain. All wet but still happy at the end of the day. 

(psst: it was really hard for me to come up with 'worst moments' because if it's not that bad I really probably won't remember it)

Top 3 goals for 2021

1. Be a better person, better daughter, better sibling, better friend, better colleague.

2. Still play the guitar when we get to the end of covid

3. save more than 10K by end of the year 

Doesn't seem a lot but it takes a lot to do it. oh well. :) For a better year and years ahead!

35岁的目标 -- 反思与提醒

 一直都没有忘记35歲的目标, 也在努力地实现它们。

1. 還是存錢，雖然還是沒存到很多。哈哈還是買房子吧。一定要有自己住的地方。
2. 還要做喜歡的事情--現在的工作。
3. 一年至少表演一场。不然全部都会忘掉的，而且真的会懒惰。
4. 去一次美国、意大利、日本、韩国
5. 学一学钢琴／吉他

第一个是一定要达成的，还在努力的存钱中，虽然还是有很多未知数 -- 不知道存的钱够不够，不知道买了房子会不会就要吃草了。不知道如果真的不够应不应该向我爸或我姐开口借。我真的希望可以不用到他们的前去实现这件事。但是，虽然我想好了可以买得到房子的钱，我忘了要装修，要买家具，要买电器的钱。这下完了。我还妄想着要拥有其它的东西 -- 一台黑胶唱机 （也就是说也要花钱买唱片 -- 而且听说中文的唱片一般比较贵）还有，一定要养一只猫。哈哈哈！这几年迷猫这件事是真的。这样的话，虽然说是35岁的目标，我可以再缓一年左右。现在我还有一年半左右到35岁，有一点不太确定到时能不能达到。其实今年算是已经有帮忙到了，因为没法出国的关系，虽然好像还是没有没有很多，但可以省的还是多了一点。

第二个，依然喜欢着现在的工作。很感谢同事们都对我很好，非常非常的欣慰。也感谢今年老板对我的评价好的胜于坏的。虽然觉得音乐总监对我应该没什么影响，也大半时候都没有一起工作，而且评语应该是随便编出来的，但有那么一点我觉得受用了 -- 我可以尝试用不同的方式跟演奏家沟通。嗯，这是对的，也许我应该想一想这一点。没想到我的一小些不经意的关心会带来这些好的评语，有些意外。我可以了解同事的所谓“我们只是同事”，我不需要在工作外跟他有接触。别人也可以用在你身上。其实演奏员只要有意思跟你交往就是一件好事。虽然很多事情我们行政这里不能用“交情”去做，但他们却可以，所以有交情是非常重要的。我也没有非要讨好谁，而且一直都在我可以接受的范围内帮忙或不帮忙。反正我们都是有道理的修正同事的疑问，真的没什么好怕。那如果你要这么公私分明就彻底的公私分明啊。不要总说一套做一套的。又不是说你没有会在工作以外有来往的演奏家同事。真的翻白眼... 说话是大声了，做的呢？虽然得承认，有些事的确是他处理的方式不一样，而且也很好。

第三... 今年真的沒有。明年和以后的几年我都尽量，因为有可能我已经退到不行了。明年看看吧，也希望我还有想要练习的心。呵呵

第四... 本来今年要去的日本，因为疫情没去成。美国和欧洲，也因为疫情，暂时不会想去。有可能这几年如果可以的话，还是在台湾、日本、纽西兰（新西兰）、韩国(?) 这些地方开始吧。也好。

第五个！总算有一个能做的。因为时间允许，所以报了吉他班。学了一些基本的和弦，拨弦，和弹法。还不错。至少能弹出一些东西。还蛮开心的，至少做了一样比较像样的事情。现在基本上工作有多多少少回到轨道，比较忙了，开始有一些周末要上班，就很难学了。幸好在所有工作恢复前，上完了基本课。:) 

接下来，想学的是冲咖啡了。哈哈。最近朋友有想创业的想法，所以更有动力了一些。接下来的两年，继续加油，也希望所有的情况都会好一些 -- 虽然也已经习惯了这样的生活，但每天都戴口罩真的好不ok... 

全世界都加油！

終極三國，我就是愛！

很奇怪，我超喜歡終極三國，也看了不只一次，但是我卻從來沒有紀錄下來過。怎麼找都找不到。

只能說，有些劇情雖然不記得了。有些還是蠻深刻的，而且台詞我都能背起一些了，梗我都會了。看的心境竟然還是一樣的。喜歡大哥假劉備(脩)的穩重、關羽的正直、超的冷笑話，阿香的浪漫和孫權的機車但又心軟的個性。以上只屬本人的看法和喜好。

這次邊看劇時，邊記下了一些感想。

1. 再看一次終極三國

沒想到我會再認真的看一次終極三國。有些感覺還是一樣，有時更感慨。

感慨的是這些人都有能擔心，有想保護的人，也是一種福氣。而我不知道為什麼這樣的感覺會讓我這麼的感慨。就因為我以為我可以放下所有的感情，不再去想，覺得自己可以很好。就算有人問我，我也可以很自信的說我很好，我沒有想過要一個家，一直覺得自己不需要人關心，不需要對任何人交代是一件美好的事情。但我現在連看到角色可以為暗戀的對象做些什麼都覺得可以為人操心是一件很幸福的事。

我，怎麼了？

相愛的人，讓人羨慕。心繫在一起的，有心靈感應的，更讓人羨慕。脩和阿香便是。他們能感應到彼此就在附近，雖然演戲是假的，但有一種莫名的感動。

唉... 看戲真的是我的弱點。

此時此刻的我，在哭。哭得有一點點慘。但是具體在哭什麼，我也說不清楚。唉...

2. 终极三国继续逼哭我

没想到从真刘备回来了再走开始，喜剧就朝着悲剧的方向发展了。突然想起，后面几集我以前也哭得超惨的。也就是说后半段的戏都是有哭点的戏，我的无聊喜剧到底在哪里啦！😤

看哭戏真的很烦讷！现在眼睛超痛。💢🤬真的超不爽。剩下最后5集了。有点不舍得看完......

3. 完结

一不小心就还是把最后几集一次过看完了。

还是好感动，好感动。有出生入死的兄弟真好。五虎将对大哥的支持和力挺是最让人感动的。我可以理解时间过的太久，他们都忘了还有真刘备这个人。而且，刘备掩饰得相当的好，只是，真心是不会说谎的。看他是真刘备的样子的时候还真想打他。野心和奸诈都写在脸上。假刘备脩却真的是以多方面思考，会考虑所有人。而他最难的却是做自己，真心佩服。

有爱情真好。阿香和脩最让人羡慕。从各个时候，信任、感应、心灵上、到后面的牺牲和冒险，你有愿意让你这样做的人吗？

有哥哥真好。就算再讨厌，也只有自己能欺负，别人都不许的感觉，真好。

就是看到自己没有的，才会觉得好吧......

不知不觉又把53集的终极三国看完了多一遍。很多时候很瞎，但也让人学到了很多。我觉得，我很有可能会再看过，因为真的太喜欢了。只是... 我现在需要冰敷眼睛睡觉了。😅

#如此如此这般这般 #大吃一斤 #不翼而飞 #九九乘法表 #好说好说 #说曹操曹操就到 #大哥说的一定是对的 #我相信大哥 #好氣好氣找個人來消消氣 #舉腳 #勾勾腳

真的，很白癡的內容真的很多，但都是我喜歡的調調。上數學課和中文課是我最喜歡的，怎麼會這麼好笑。喔，不對，是他們平時在說中文和突然的需要算數的時候都是。💧✨🌬😎😈👩‍❤️‍👨🐓💢❗️❓💬 還有這些最常出現的表情特效，就是很粗劣的特效但是還是有效就對了。笑話也真的就是我喜歡的類型。呵呵

雖然後面真的哭得太多了，總體來說還是好笑的。尤其諸葛亮和孫權出來後還蠻有笑點的。還是那句話，就是太喜歡了。喜歡到有很長的一段時間我口裡說的都是終極三國。呵呵。現在又來了。二姐已經受不了我，說我竟然還可以再看完整部劇。53集真的不短，而且我不是第一次把它看完。😅

到最後，我也許就是希望我有個像脩的男朋友，和孫權的哥哥。所以... 我想當的是孫尚香吧？呵呵。貂嬋太軟弱、小喬太混亂、大喬太兇，還是孫尚香好了。關羽太直、呂布不懂愛、雲和忠對我來說不特別、飛就是屁孩，超是我覺得帥的，但是有時太瞎。還是大哥好了，雖然大哥是最矮的。但其實孫權為男朋友也不錯，也長得帥。繼續做夢了。謝謝。

20 years? And I guess not counting.

Thinking about it. How long has it been since the last I ever blogged about this group of friends as a whole, on something happy and worth saying. I've stopped, because I feel meaningless doing it after all these years of trying. 

We have known each other for 20 years. We probably hang out more after we got into the same class and I believed some of them might have felt obliged to be part of this group even if they have never wanted to be. And honestly, we didn't want to leave out anyone. 

If I have to recall all the things we have done, it wasn't smooth from the start. Probably ever since we left sec school. But same thing, feeling obliged because we started out together. Yes, we met a lot, with or without everyone. We did a lot of things together. But I'm not sure if it was because all of us were just coincidentally free or it was purely a choice of priority. If it was the priority, then what changed us? 

After trying so many years, eventually I got tired as well. It's hard to forge friendship, but it is also harder to keep it. It is really because I'm not doing enough? I spent 3 days 3 nights to make them handmade gifts for christmas. I didn't even make it for anyone else. I did until my back was stiff, my thighs were sore from sitting on the stool for too long and my thumb was numb from all the double-sided tape peeling. And yet, after the day it got given out, no one ever mentioned it again. And also sadly, some people inside have broken up. I have never in my life did so much for my friends, although I felt nervous and happy at that time, after that I really felt a little unappreciated. 

Nonetheless, I did another handmade gift for them the following year. I spent a lot of time on this because I didn't know if it will be successful or not and it will take a few days to get the results, meaning if it fails I have to try again. So I had to test it out way ahead. Spent many nights and a few shopping trips trying to figure things out. Succeeded in the end and I was actually quite pleased with the end product. And they were the only people I did for. But of course, same thing. I was excited to show it but other than the besties, the rest are like, probably didn't know what to do with it. I have never seen them as well. 

相遇難... 可相知相惜更難。

I can never get my priorities right, can I? I mean, just by reading back my posts, I had so much frustration with this group of friends. And now it's either they are not interested, not free and simply doesn't reply at all. Of course, not all of us may have been there with each of us when we went through things. It's a choice isn't it. When I sense some things and tried to reach out, some didn't take my hand either. I'm also saying this because when I reacted to their stuff on social media, I got 0 respond like I was a stranger. What to do leh? So honestly, it's really like we sort of lost contact. And after I have stopped asking for meet-ups, no one ever asked as well. Maybe not just me, but probably just max. 3 of us, the rest have never ever initiated a meet-up before. So it was all along a 'ok, by the way I'm free' kind of thing, and now obviously more are less free so cannot be bothered also. 

I get it. Who says friends that you know in sec school are friends that will stick together forever? Without everyone's effort, how is it going to even continue? We have been through so much together in sec sch, not just studying in the same class, even in the same cca, some of us see each other 7 days a week, knew some of each other's secrets back then. But so what? Anyone could be easily replaced. I am not exactly sad about this? Just a little disappointed, like I always said. 

I even set up a blog for us before. Did everything right down to coding the page with blogskin that was designed by me. But, no one cares. Ok, probably the same 3 or 4 people did. 

點點滴滴的確很難記得，畢竟大家生活的方向不同，生活方式不同。但我不明白的是，當我想要接觸你的時候，沒有得到任何的回應。是不想嗎？是我的問題嗎？I even tried to reconnect recently because I got some nostalgic photos we took in sec school. But the response was so cold I cannot even continue. 

In the past I always saved my time for them during important occasions, I always put meeting with them as priority, including cny, christmas, national day, birthdays, countdown even. But slowly, the cold responses never failed to make me disappointed but time after time I still made them the priority, till we do not meet anymore because I got tired of asking. Maybe my expectation was too high each time. And I guess the importance of each other is measured differently, esp. as time goes by. So much so that I don't feel like they are my priority anymore as well. And that's also why we had so many small groups branching from there because most of the times only the few will be interested. And then lesser, and lesser, to the point, even I have no idea now. The last time we all met for such occasion was 1 Jan (I think), 2 years ago. The rest are like thanks to one of us having baby, which I unfortunately really couldn't attend the full month and first birthday. I guess we are just not worth each other's time, most of the time. Not sure what the rest thinks, some probably wants to reconnect only if asked. What's left in the group chat is really just birthday wishes mostly. 

I'm also not saying that I'm the only person who put in effort for this friendship. I really don't know what the others think about this. Still, overall, it's quite sad. I know, most of us are introvert, I'm probably the most extroverted introvert (when I'm being forced to), does that justify? I'm also not trying to victimise myself to say that I did all the work or whatever, recently someone else also asked the smaller group if want to go hiking together, but you see, people only replied when they are being pointed out. And still, at the end of the day, someone didn't reply at all, although she is considered the closer one. But who knows, people change. Ok, I'm not putting in enough effort. So I also don't have many friends. 

I'm introvert, there's only so much I can do. And I really hate 热脸贴冷屁股... Faced it so much that I got enough. oh wells. 

可惜吗？也许吧。但是，如果你心中的那些人不在乎，那你怎么在乎都没有用。只觉得可惜是我自认为我们以前还蛮好的。或许也是我没有放太多心思在他们身上吧。

It's been 10 years, my friend.

This post has to be today. 30 Aug 2020. 

I know, it was really a bad idea to revisit memories in the middle of the night. I did it anyway, and emotions just filled my entire body after watching the videos again. To be honest, most of us may have already forgotten about this, ok I'll just speak for myself. It wasn't until the memories of this day on FB that the memories started flooding back at me. but well. see this page for the post. Bye Joel Tan

I can only say that it's really easy for human to forget something and pick up a new habit. We probably only really skyped in the first year he left. And after that it was just birthday wishes and of course, that died down as well. The last we had a short exchange was his birthday last year. And that marks 15 years from when we met. That was crazy, and now he's already been away to Toronto for 10 years and I don't even know what he is doing anymore. And, when the sy people are together (which is also quite non-existent), no one talked about him anymore. It's just a little disheartening to know that this is exactly how humans work. You built up this relation because of work, the things you do together daily - if not often enough. And then when you move on to something else, it's just hard to keep maintaining every single relation you have forged. 

It's true, at the end, we move on with our lives. I'm even close to most of them now. I don't even remember how he sounded like and do not know if he sound the same now. So I happen to scroll through his fb to see if there were any traces of past friendship - none. Except for yvonne writing him birthday wishes once 3 years ago. And that's it. But I also came across a podcast he was working with his schoolmates, so I listened to the part he spoken in. The voice is so foreign, I wouldn't have recognised it if it wasn't for the fake that he introduced himself. Just felt a little mind blown and a little sad. That's all. 

I mean I still remember this friend, I'm quite sure he still remembers us all and will any time welcome us to visit him. Yup, 10 years have passed and none of us visited Toronto, neither did he come back at all, he wasn't intending to anyway. But still, I kind of miss this friend, especially when I was reminded how much fun and how much crazy things we did together in the past. I really love him as a friend, if I could, I would even love him as a person (kidding) all these years because he is worth it. And actually, I really want to plan to visit him when I can. I still have the hope to see him and to reconnect again some day. 

Not saying that anyone is at fault or it is unique to this case, but that's exactly how people are now. 

How often do you tell friends/colleagues/people who are leaving your daily life 'Hey, let's keep in touch!', or 'Hey, let's meet up soon!' Maybe I was being naive all the while, but I would really take these words to heart and I would think that someone who said it, mean it. I don't remember when was the last time I said something along this line, because I know I may not do it anyway, so I don't say it. Only to come to disappointment of course. Don't use these words so easily, just don't. I'm mindful of using them because I know how it felt to have people telling me these but I have never met them since. And I really understand how people come and go in my life, so really no hard feelings, and don't have to be politically correct.

You may say that I can make the first move. Right! I could. But I actually also couldn't, I'm an extroverted introvert. Taking the initiative is not quite my thing unless necessary. Maybe because they are not that important to me too afterall, as much as I'm also not that important to them. To think about it, these are really usually said by outgoing people. And they probably don't mind people telling them the same but don't do it. Maybe it's also just me. Nevermind.

Oh well, I also understand that's why I have lesser and lesser friends now. Like look at this period. Without work on weekends and weekday nights, I'm almost home all day. I'm like the freest person around and I don't even really have the urge to go out with anyone. But I'll be ready to accept any invitation to go out. There isn't many, and sometimes, I'm also slightly reluctant. Anyway, I also tried, and failed a few times. In the end, I went on my own. Also, I've made moves so many times, but I'm just, ignored and still the same. 

All right... it's just me! No hard feelings at all. 

I still miss you Joel. (every now and then hehe)

Dramas (I wished I hadn't)

Sometimes I really wonder if it's really a good idea to watch dramas.

I get so absorbed into the characters and the actors in real life. So I'm always into looking for info about them, of course, can't wait to know more synopsis of the drama first. And if I find someone I'm attracted to, I will start looking up for shows he or she (usually he) acted in. That's how it works I guess. The difficult part is really withdrawing from the characters I like. And I think every single time I wished someone like that would appear in my life, only to realise how miserable my life has been and still is. That's probably why I also stopped for a period of time. Without new inputs, I just occasionally think about some characters I liked in the past, but with new ones it was really difficult to not think about it. 

The last time I'm into watching Korean drama was 2018, whereby somehow I watched a few, mostly because of the cast - someone I really like, eg. Lee Minho, Jung Yonghwa, Park Shinhye, Lee Bo-yong, Ji Chang-wook, and sometimes other members of cnblue. So I usually pick on actors rather than story or ratings. Even so, there were quite a number I didn't watch. And hence, I seldom watch the most popular shows unless they coincide - the actor and ratings. But, I also expanded the list of likes. 

Busy work life have made it also rather difficult for me to catch up with all the drama going on. I don't really have a TV to watch at home (I still don't except for late into the nights, like now). Being a rather emotional person, it was impossible to watch anything outside home. Tried and tested so many times. Whenever I find something new that I can't wait to watch, I never go past 1 episode on the bus, in the office, or wherever else I was. Then I was reminded why I hadn't do that for a long time. I always wonder how other people do it. I really only could do variety shows like Runningman on the go. Even so, I haven't watched Runningman for probably 2 years before I start catching up again since Apr this year.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the pandemic have allowed me more time at home, and caught up with a few recent (mostly) dramas. Also, succumbed to online subscriptions because after all, I only have the choice of watching shows online, and I was tempted by colleagues on recent shows. I finally started in May and I really just jumped into watching them. 

Surprisingly, I've finished watching a few, on and off a few after some breaks in between.

1. Hospital Playlist
The show I immediately jumped into. It was really nice, heartwarming and funny most of the time. Love the chemistry between the actors and how the show was presented. I was rather crazy over the show I would say. So much so, I really finished it within like 2 weeks, while also working and caught up to the latest episode before it was first aired. And ended up discussing the show with many people - and had a group chat changed the group name to include the drama. Subsequently, produced a cover video for one the songs in the drama. Yup, that was how crazy we were. I wouldn't mind watching the show again, and of course, waiting for the next season to come out. I just love all the cast and their stories so much! 

2. Prison Playbook

Following the above, colleague also suggested I watch this one as they were under the same production team. Indeed, I love the show. Of course, I also finished it quite fast, by binge watching at night only. Love the humour and the same actor from Hospital Playlist - Jung Kyung-ho. He has this comical element in him in both shows that makes him so adorable. My fav actor in both shows. 

3. Sweet Munchies

Watched this because of actor Jung Il-woo, took serious notice of him only in Cinderella and the Four Knights (which was probably the last korean drama I blogged about, that was in 2017, and back then I watched because of Lee Jungshin). It turned out to be rather funny, thought provoking and educational. Ok, not exactly but it was still nice. He became a gay chef on a TV programme because he was desperate for money, and wanted to quit after the pilot episode but things got bigger it became a regular. Things became more complicated as he developed feelings for the female lead and the second male lead developed feelings for him. It was so obvious he does but I think as a straight guy, he just didn't notice it, until he expressed his affection for him. Throughout the show my OS was really: 'it is so obvious', he's really not hiding it real well. Then again, no one else in the show noticed as well. Fine.

4. The King

Of course, because of Lee Minho, my number 1. But, there was no strong desire to continue although he is really handsome in the show. I think it's because of the storyline, not exactly captivating. The only captivating element is Lee Minho himself. Most of the reviews were negative on the show as a whole, and also on his acting. To me, I don't really care. I'm just biased towards him. But true to discussion with colleague, they always portray him as 高富帅 (which are all true), and that's why it loses the xfactor sometimes because that's all he is. Nothing changed and hence people don't buy it. 

5. Was It Love (ongoing)

I watched it because of Song Jihyo. Slightly surprised by the story and her character, but she really has the charm. Contrary to popular believes, I really like the male lead - Son Ho-jun, even though he is the shortest amongst the 4 main male characters. But I really like his role, and how he did it. A little childish, but still cares and goes all out. (I realised this is what I like in guys, in all the shows I watched). And I don't think he is less handsome than the others. (I'm saying this because I saw some comments while searching on the drama info). He was also compared to the other 3 in the drama - that he is the shortest and the least handsome. True for the first but not true to the second. The worse suspend in the show is I can't wait to find out who is the father of Song Jihyo's daughter. The drama hasn't ended yet so I couldn't find any answer. We will soon find out! 6 episodes in 3 days. I slowed down a little since the final episode will be next week.

6. Backstreet Rookie 

Of course, I wanted to watch this because of Ji Chang-wook. However, it is only aired on TV, and did I already mentioned about watching the TV at home? So I saw 2 episodes on one of those days I was on leave and the TV was free in the day, and that was it. I haven't catch up with the rest after that. I will!

7. Running Man

Not drama but I finally decided to start watching runningman again. 10years into their making and honestly, even though the format now is totally different from what they started out with, the show is still funny! I guess it's not just song but also the singer(s). I really have to applaud most of them, even the youngest(s) in the group are 34yo this year. It is amazing how they could still do this, esp. when the oldest is like 54yo? And so, I have successfully caught up with the latest episode this year, and going back to what I missed out from last year backwards.

Other than all these, the only other drama I binge watched was 我们与恶的距离, because of 贾静雯 and 曾沛慈. But I was totally surprised by the entire work. Evoked so much emotions with reality of life, emotions overtaking rational thoughts, mental illness, work ethics (media mainly, a little of law) and how the netizens and general views on social problems actually enlarge them more than what they should be. That was really one show the emotions took over me so much that I had to pause the show several times to calm myself down and catch my breathe from all the crying before continuing. And yet, I just couldn't stop watching it. Every character was so well-crafted I can't even decide who was better. There were only 10 episode, but I cried so badly for most of the episodes, late into the night and had swollen eyes the next day.

Where will I go from here, I have no idea. Sometimes the fire or desire to watch dramas just rise and die suddenly I don't know when will it happen again. Meanwhile, I'm somehow hoping this peaceful period continue to last a little longer. It will be good while it lasted (only because I still have a job). 

For the rest, I hope it will be over soon. 

Rocky Road to Work Life Story

11 years since I graduated in May... and 10 years since I started working (full-time mostly), also in May. It took me almost a year to get a full time job, and hence 10years.

Nonetheless, it was still a bumpy road from there. So I haven't actually worked for 10 years' in terms of actual work. In fact, in between I had really long breaks, till the point I was really scared. And those breaks were like what I'm doing now - Staying home most of the time.

And not all was good with the first few jobs.

Since May 2010, My first full time job was at CFA which lasted a year, second full time job was at DYMC which also lasted year, third one was around 1year8months in AEB. And this is my fourth full time job for 5 years now. so as you can tell, the numbers just don't add up. I worked for about 8years8months and the remaining 1year4months, I'm either not working, or working as a temp.

Anyway, from the very beginning I was really set to get a job in the arts. Either it really wasn't easy, or I was really not cut out for the jobs, there was also a limit to the job title I was interested in. Anyway... the first year after graduated passed by as I did 1 month (or so, max 2 months) temp at CFA, 3 - 4 months temp at SCO Marketing that ended on 31 Dec 2009. And was jobless all the way till I went back to CFA for the same position again (contract this time) in May 2010.

So, that was the first official job, not well paid - diploma starting pay 1.6k, take home around 1.2k. It was considered a full-time job as it came with all the remuneration package, which actually was quite good. At least food in nus is cheap and quite good. Lasted for 1 year, though they said because I could do better elsewhere and didn't want to keep me there with that little amount and the amount of work, I think they felt that I under performed because they didn't even ask me if I was ok on the job and if I wanted to continue. I was quite sure they told me during the decision meeting that the workload wasn't enough for my position so there was also no point, and if I didn't remember wrongly, 不要耽误我。However, I knew that they hired someone before I left although that person only came after I left. A poly grad I think. I was hit quite badly, I acknowledged that I haven't done enough, but really there wasn't much to do at many instances. Maybe it was my problem after all, so never mind.

Obviously I wasn't prepared to leave the job so I didn't think so much and didn't have a lot of time to react. I even booked a long trip in June. So after that first job, I didn't work for 3 months until I was approached for the second job. There was a lot of struggle because the company couldn't pay a normal salary. But I was also desperate so I started in Aug 2011 and I was paid 1.2k for 4-day work week. And I actually agreed. I wasn't doing well in the second job, maybe I was really just incompetent, although there were many things lacking in the company. There were fun times, but mostly, it was bad and I had to endure the 'you are the only one paid in this company' throughout the year even though they know it's peanuts. It was also a year's contract they offered in the beginning, they decided to re-contract although they were not satisfied with my performance. Thinking back, I never left anything undone, but I didn't value add to the company as well because I tried a few times and was brushed off, so eventually I stopped and of course just spent time doing nothing in the office and do only as I was told. But that is being non-initiative. Whatever. Anyway, I was lucky to be able to find the third job so I quit and went over to AEB, almost immediately in Aug 2012.

It's the time I thought I was the most fortunate. A total change of environment and not needing to deal with the same people again. At that time I was really happy because all the colleagues were super nice, and though there were some difficulty in working with some of the band and orchestra instructors, I was quite mature in work by then and could handle most of them. It was a refreshing idea for me. Sad was when the contract ended when the programme came to a close with no renewal, and I had the hardest time ever. I went to an interview at sco in between but I wasn't chosen.

I went on 3 months without any income, after the first month, I was struggling to keep up with myself and my other friends. Because there were also other friends who quit their job at that period of time, we spent some time together, but after that they all moved to their next destination and I didn't have anywhere to go. And that made me even sadder. Eventually, I was thankful to receive help from AEB to let me return as a temp staff in End June, but I was not earning much because of the very supportive job scope they couldn't pay me better. I really had the hardest time from end Mar till end Sep because there is the sudden cut of income, and that's 6 months with no income for three or very little income for the other three. Previous times were not as bad because the income wasn't that much anyway. So I was really living in misery and I cried a lot in this period.

It was only in Oct 2014 that I was transfered to the other department with more responsibility and there I was paid like a normal person, in fact, better than when I was working full time contract for them just that I was paid daily instead of monthly, meaning no work, no pay. Although I met other fun and interesting temp staff there, I wasn't happy that entire period of time. I was doing all paper work and back back end support for SG50 projects related to MOE, it was interesting because there were many many different projects, like I met a lot of people, get excited about their project and they were all thankful of what we were doing. Somehow it really wasn't what I wanted. And I really was struggling because I was also looking for full-time job at the same time but I didn't get selected for any. Went for a few interviews but none were successful, which is also the same case for the period after my first job. That was also the period of time I spent a lot of alone time, because I was upset most of the time but I didn't want to tell any of my friends. And not many friends ask me out on weekends. I spend a lot of Fridays on my own, eating at a quiet place and walking home sometimes on my own. I wasn't close to anyone during that period.

So for the empty periods, I didn't feel good the first time round but the second time was really worse because it is happened again, even after I had a few years of working experience. It is not normal and everyone knows that you have to have some explanation for this empty period. Because employers will definitely ask.

Going for sco's interview in Apr 2015 and eventually starting in May 2015 was the best thing that happened to me in that 2 years. I was in despair, but luckily I didn't give up. And actually I wasn't looking for a job that time because I was supposed to do SG50 till end 2015. I was actually told by a friend to submit my resume quite near to the closing date because I didn't know they were hiring but my now boss had my friend to pass me the message. I went for it, despite knowing that it was an entry-level job. I was obviously over-qualified for the job but I was really determined to get it. I still remember the thrill and the butterfly in me when my now boss called to offer me the job. My hands and my voice was trembling with excitement because I couldn't believe that it's finally happening to me - the only good thing happened to me the entire year. And here I am, still in the job. Gotten better in between.

One thing: self-reminder how hard it was for me to get here and only with that I will continue to work harder. 10 years of working and on!

5 Years - Only I care but I really do

5 years

It may not seem long, but it's the longest I have been in a company, and I'm still counting.

Some thing doesn't seem long but it does. Eg. the song《不该》is already 4 years old and every now and then people are still singing it like it's the hottest song in town. Sodagreen has been gong for 3 years and it felt like eternity. The idea of long or short is a perspective. 5 years may be long to some and in some way while it's like an entire lifetime for some. "Are you sure you are only here for 5 years? You seemed like you have been here forever", one may say. "Wow! You have already worked here for 5 years, any plans of leaving? You don't look like you worked so long", another may say.

Yes, 5 years may seem long (well, not long enough for long service award at SCO). However, I'm still learning new things every now and then. About the work itself, about the people around. Although this period couldn't be more productive and fulfilling as the past, it really allows us to also restart the system. If possible, make it better. I can't say I'm the best worker through these years. I'm definitely not. Not the most hardworking, not the most on the job, not the most tidy person around. But I'm glad that I'm not a useless person around, and probably not someone who will get the complains. (I hope not) Hmm... now I ponder.

Overall, I felt blessed that I am still in a field I have passion for. I really still cannot imagine a day I have to work for non-arts organisation. I remember during one appraisal meeting, it was something about not making good enough progress (probably it was really stagnant for that year, I can't remember which), and ask me to think about why and how I actually made it to SCO. Needless to say, it was a reminder to me how many interviews, rejections and disappointments I have gone through to make it to where I am now. At that moment, I really felt that tears are welling up my eyes, but I really held back. Honestly, I was a little surprised because I suddenly felt that yes, the boss remembers and saw that in me although we never really knew each other much before coming into SCO.

It was true. I applied for a job at SCO for at least 5 times through the past 7 years from just before my last year of studies till I eventually get the job in 2015, trying out for various departments and positions without even considering if I really liked the department. But I specifically remembered 3 interviews - the one in 2008, where the current big boss insisted that I won't be able to cope with my studies and work at that time being a year 3 student, despite clearly stating that I do not have lessons in the day and in fact, I didn't have many modules to cover for that 2 semesters. Maybe he was right, but I just felt that I wasn't given a chance to prove him wrong. Eventually, I also got to know the person who got the job and is still in the company although she has moved to another department. The second one I remembered was halfway through AEB and we got to know that the programme will not be continuing the following year. The job advert came up and it was similar to what I was doing, so I applied. But I still didn't get it. And this last one that I have gone through, though the position was much lower than what I am qualified for, I guess I was mature enough by then to put it through nicely. And I must it is one of the positions that I really wanted. Also, not to forget my short little stint with the marketing department after I graduated.

Another reason was also because the big boss always mention the other colleague whom had tried a few times also to enter to SCO. And I always thought, hey, he is not the only one. Just because you were his mentor for his thesis writing in his college years doesn't mean you should only take note of him. In fact, I interviewed the big boss for one of my assignments back in Year 1 or 2 in my studies. And I didn't make less attempt or interest or ability to work here. But it's all right. It only meant that we have to work to please ourselves, not for others. As long as I have done my job, take up my own responsibility, I don't need people like him to push that kind of testimonial for me.

I must also remember all the time I couldn't find a job and was despair with all the happenings around me. This will remind me that I have to really work hard to keep me at where I am and to push myself forward because nobody else will.

5 years down. I will continue. Esp. when CB really makes me even more sure that I'm staying with the arts.

Tough Times, but #SGUnited

Things have changed so fast and vast, in the very short span of time, things really escalated quickly.

30Mar-2Apr
We were only in our trial for WFH, there and then it was just split teams A&B after planning and preparing for some time due to lack of equipment and set-ups for everyone. And for school students, trial for HBL. We were only sad that we won't see half the number of colleagues for 1 month.

3Apr
And then by the end of the trial we were told that most of the colleagues will be telecommuting from the following week onwards instead of the split team. And that left only the few of us still tied to the split teams due to unfinished plans at that point of time. But also on this very day, we were informed that telecommuting is a MUST for everyone in the building. Announcement was made in the late afternoon regarding circuit breaker plan for us to try to bring down the number of cases. Schools will be closed too. Seems like a big news for everyone, but surprisingly, people seems to not be taking decisions as such seriously.

4-5Apr
Yup preparing for the semi lock down, which means to some people, the last chance to be out and about. I can only say, I don't get it that why is this short freedom more important than the long term freedom? The earlier we get through this, the earlier everything can get back to normal. Thanks for selfish people all around. Thank goodness parents did not insist they need to go for their regular coffee since Sat. Although the social butterfly in mum is trying to break out any time.

6Apr
Last day in office. Half-day actually. Packed some last minute stuff home. Even went to the supermarket for some last min shopping as well, while also keeping a distance from others.

And hence, 7 Apr marks the first day of the circuit breaker, or CB in short. Only essential services are opened. Every now and then, mum tries to put in a marketing schedule, but, knowing what the mother is not capable of (keeping good distance, wearing the mask for a long time, not having any contact with other people), it is hard to allow her to go anywhere at all. And my dad, though more conscious, is also stubborn when it comes to some stuff. I'm just glad that nothing has gone wrong yet, so far, i.e. Mum didn't have any meltdown these days, everyone is more tolerant towards each other, tones are also slightly different. Phew!

9 Apr
A blessing that I have gone to bake at sister's place on 8th (disclaimer: I took her car there and back, no contact with people outside), because it was announced that people staying in different household now cannot meet and visit each other, not even immediate family. That's rather devastating for us, the only way to have some sane from this boring days were when the sister visits.

10 Apr
All should wear a mask when out in the public, i.e. any time you are out of your house. People without masks will be rejected at markets, supermarkets and public transport.

For me, I'm good to not having to go out and this is not something new to me. I have been like this in my schooling years, and when I didn't have a job. Yes, sometimes I may have the urge to get out for a while, but it's usually also on my own and just to grab some cravings or some quiet time outside when there are other people in the house. That's probably also the reason I see the need to clear the study table (which hasn't been used for more than 10years), so I really get some good peace doing work (or not).

Speaking of which, a few friends came talking to me (after a week) to check-in on me. Appreciative of that. But you know, I'm really a introvert to begin with, I've never been better than this working condition. I don't even feel tired from only sleeping 3.5h last night because today was peaceful enough. It's actually quite amazing. And my colleagues have never believed that I am an introvert. Oh well, I can be really talkative, I know, but truth is I really only talk a lot when I'm with people I'm comfortable with. And the fact that I haven't took initiative to look for anyone to chat already says a lot. I'm just the passive person, who would open myself (part of) to them when they approach me first. So, honestly, I'm really fine being home from the start till now, with just a few breathers in between.

Of course, there's more time at home, less work to do, more time to rest, less busy life, more time to think, etc. I don't know, but many a times I would think would it have been better or worse if I have had a companion. Rhetorical I know, but just think lah! Sometimes I realise that I cannot imagine myself in a relationship, I sometimes have this feeling that I have some commitment issues. Haha! Never tried, never know. Oh well... what is there installed for me I have no idea. I thought of pushing for it but if it's not for me then how? I get disappointed again? I don't want to take a risk again. I am afraid, as afraid as contracting covid-19. So I have managed to sort of clean the thought off myself for the time being. But recently I hear this song and its lyrics, 想见你想见你想见你, I'm like, this is me right now! I can't believe that every single line is so on point what I think and what I'm doing. But aiya, think only.

So many people have done things they probably haven't done in donkey years during this period of time. Honestly, same for me. I have neglected so many things. I mean, even though we have all the time now, some things are still hard for one to do when it's not habitual.
1. Exercise
2. Practice
3. Read
4. Do the chores

I hope that during this period of time I will pick up my instruments more, honestly, Erhu is still easier to pick up than Violin. I almost died just now. (all right, kidding) But it was honestly painful. I kept on questioning myself if it had felt the same when I was still in the learning stage (when I practiced at almost every day) and I have really forgotten about the pain already, or, it only happened now because either I haven't practiced for a long time or the chin rest doesn't suit me anymore. And I also want to practice singing more. It's been long since I really spend a lot of time listening to music and singing to them. I used to do it so much, hence, I am not exactly updated and I find it so difficult to learn new songs now. I have always wanted to pick up a new instrument - Piano or Guitar, but I think for now, I will go back to recollect what I have left off.

Hmm... Exercise and read. I really got to try. Harder. Started books and I tried to read on weekends but I always end up napping. Hmm... 3 books at least? And I'm also still on my online romance novels!

Lastly, #stayhome #staysafe #doitforyourselfandforothers
This is so important because I really can't wait to get back to work. I am super sad that all the shows I have been looking forward - whether SCO or not, are cancelled during this period of time. There were at least 4 - 5 shows I was supposed to go to but were cancelled. Glad that I caught Qin Kai and Shunta's recital in end Feb, before everything else was impossible. It's really a pity because there were so many good shows prepared for the Singapore audiences. :( Can't wait to go back too because what is life without arts? Earth is just 'Eh' without art. Let's do this together.

I mean... why is there a need to go out? At least we have got data and internet now. 17 years ago, all we had was MSN. That was really boring. I remembered so clearly because there's nothing else we can do. Now there's really a hell lot of things you can do at home so just stay home lah! Please show that #SGUnited can work.

我愛的蘇打綠回來了!

今天看到「Tomorrow will be fine」的 MV，你不能想像我在多快的時間內就落淚了。而且昨天才提起了回歸這件事，沒想到竟然在青峰演唱會上就發生了（沒得去還是QQ)
可能你不能了解為什麼我這麼期待，這麼感動於蘇打綠的回歸。
.
第一次我聽「歌頌者」的時候也哭了，真是因為他唱的三段副歌：
可能我 唱出了你的苦澀
可能我 唱著自己的人生
可我們 有過相同的心聲
所以你 才會出現在左右
聽我唱著

可能我 陪伴過你的青春
可能我 陪伴自己的靈魂
而我們 凝視著彼此的真
所以心 才如此靜水流深
讓歌生了根

可能我 歌頌著你的心疼
可能我 歌頌著我還活著
而我們 都想再一次狂奔
所以你 願意對我點點頭
說我不笨
.
曾經在好多段我不太好的時期，蘇打綠的歌陪伴過我度過無數個失眠的夜晚。他們給我的力量是我無法用言語形容的。有時候我都懷疑蘇打綠在我心中的地位都已經超過了JJ 🤭 畢竟他們給我更多的是感動，是覺得他們懂我，認可我的感受，唱著我每一個心聲。
看著主唱大人最近發生的事情，非常心疼他，所有對別人的信任可能就這樣被摧毀了吧。但，也因為這樣，所有的團員都發文為他加油，看了更讓人感動呢！謝謝你們要回來了！Tomorrow will be fine, Tomorrow I’ll be fine, Tomorrow we’ll be fine. 很喜歡這首歌，聽著歌，看著MV，還是很感動很感動喔！真心希望很快可以再遇見！
#今日歌詞 #手寫體 #蘇打綠 #吳青峰 #歌頌者 #蘇打綠回歸 #tomorrowwillbefine 😢 #thanksforreading

不管說多少次都不夠! 我的喜悅也只有打粉可以理解... 期待了三年。記得2017年1月1號他們在國家兩廳廣場演唱休團前最後一場... 只能看直播的我也是淚流滿面。印象中只有蘇打綠每次看他們都會有這種感覺。那一年，他們做了非常多的直播，因為在休團前他們為每張專輯開了個mini演唱會。當然，一個都沒去，但每一場我都乖乖的守在FB，等待直播的出現。對於我來說，已經很好了。想到他們在未來的三年裡不會出現在任何電台/演唱會/電視、或者說不會有任何他們的消息，說真的，蠻崩潰的。

我只能說，我一天都沒有忘記他們，因為這幾年我聽的最多的還是他們的音樂。這三年裡，還是會關注他們做的一些事，像：凱開去讀書有時和青峰一起練歌、小威有第二個兒子（他兩個兒子都好可愛）還有辦攝影展、賣洗髮精、阿龔有做他古典音樂的事情、還有很有才的freestyle彈奏蘇打綠的歌、阿福也生了第二個，創了其他樂團帶他們到處表演，還有女神心儀也結婚生小孩了! 三年能發生的事情還真多! 有一時期青峰的好幾首作品都因為歌手發片的時間差不多一起來到了市面，有開心的去聽他的作品、就算不是他唱的。只要聽到他有發文發演唱的片段就會馬上聽... 最喜歡的是小精靈。

然後到他以最強新人出現，我只能說，超級無敵開心。看《歌手》完完全全是因為他。喜歡他唱歌、喜歡他講話，所有都喜歡。還有最喜歡的是最後一集家凱的出現，真的是哭到不行。他出了個人專輯我更開心! 整張專輯都非常好聽! 當然，沒想到是因為最痛苦的時候才做出來的作品。所以才會讓我聽了好幾首都是流淚的歌。還有做了我自己覺得蠻瘋狂的一件事，在知道青峰會唱台北跨年的時候，只考慮了半天就決定去了。之前JJ是剛巧遇到了，這次我卻真的是為了他去的。第一次在國外買票看演唱會也是蘇打綠的，也是因為要看演唱會才去的... 看了他們真的已經不小心超前了哦 😅

被以往最信任的人擺了一道，真的很無語。你要版權你可以討啊，真的有必要到吿人家嗎？而且還是一直口中的‘家人’，會不會太假了一點。就是不續約而已啊。如果他們演奏或演唱了蘇打綠的歌，版權費還都要給你了，這樣都不太有道理了，還有搞這麼一齣。真的很傻眼! 希望青峰和蘇打綠往後的表演都不會因為這樣受影響。不過說真的，他們都是創作者，你什麼貢獻都沒有，他們自己可以繼續創作。他們創作量這麼高，速度那麼快，沒有什麼好怕的。只是可惜了以前的好作品而已。韋瓦第四季的主題是多麼的好，不能演真的好可惜。都有一種既然錢都只能他賺，還不如就不聽的感覺。沒有價值的歌他還會要嗎? 真的無解。

希望雨過天晴，合體出專輯的日子趕快到來。Tomorrow Will Be Fine! 依然愛你們喔!

Journey to the 3rd Conducting Workshop

People always say "Practice makes Perfect". You may think that after doing the workshop for 3 times, it will be an easy piece of work. I would love to think it that way as well. Then I realised that was also the very reason I think I didn't do well enough, because of complacency. I knew that everything will turn out just fine.

I made a few mistakes this time round, in my own opinion. But no one reprimanded me in any way, not yet. But I will reflect upon it myself first. To be fair to everyone and myself. But I'm thankful for people who came in to help at the very last minute. MD, the conductors, the composers, the colleagues, and the participants as well. No one was being difficult at any time of the workshop.

Let's recap.

The first time I heard about and knew I had to do this project was 2 months into my job here, 4.5 years go. I was afraid and nervous all the time. Because I wasn't close to anyone it was really hard for me to get any good help. When my boss handed the news and all those things to me, she told me that people have been informed, and all the information are available... To my horror when I approached the people, nobody knew what was going on. No pianist engaged, no conductors involved and what else I can't even remember. Actually I think even the repertoires wasn't confirmed. I was told in July, the workshop was due to happen in end-Nov. I had about 4 months to get everything together. Meaning, to get colleagues to contact composers to have their composition reduced to piano version, get the pianists to commit their time, do a write-up for the event, draw out the timeline, put up the application form for people to sign up, coordinate with the conductors to view the application videos, eventually choosing suitable applicants as active participants. As well as, do all the emailing work, seating plan, schedule planning, etc. and the actual execution of the workshop.

At the end of the day, the workshop completed with some glitches, esp. when I didn't manage to control the timing for the podium session, due to many reasons. Haha! Also, all the participants were drained due to the long long hours every day, trying to squeeze everything into those short 4 days. That was when I promised that I will make it better for the next one.

I would also like to think that doing this contributed greatly to my promotion 1 year later.

The 2nd workshop happened in 2017, nothing much changed, I had slightly a little more time. The challenge was that we were having it in a less than satisfactory environment due to the hall undergoing renovation. All orchestra podium time were held in the Exhibition Hall, including the Final Presentation. The concourse was undergoing works so the building honestly didn't really look safe to be in. It was embarrassing I must say, though the participants didn't say it. And everyday I get complains from my colleagues about the lack in space in the hall and yet I wanted to add in more and more chairs.

Another challenge was when there were a lot of pull-outs from the programme and eventually we only had 6 participants. But, with lesser participants, it also gave us more leeway on the extra time allowance so there were less worries each day. Allocation was also pretty straight forward because there weren't so many pieces. The only constraint was really the room space, for participants and observers. We could only house very very few observers and they are all seated behind the winds section, which means they probably can't hear a lot as well. The good thing for me was that I had to sit next to MD and it was easier to manage his time. At the presentation, all the pieces were repeated; poor soloist also had to play extra although we cut the piece so that he only play one of the movements twice.

And then... after that workshop, again, I tried to suggest some other ideas and first and foremost is to make the final presentation an evening show so that we can draw more audience to support the participants. HOWEVER, dates were given without negotiation and obviously we were consulted, so the idea had to be compromised because there was a major concert going on the same week by the sub-CO, sy. Planner didn't even consider anything. Yup, the workshop may not be planned by them and they may think it's just an extra project that the company is doing, but well, I think that other than the programme itself, there are many other factors to consider. SY thinks that they are not the priority, but I felt the same way. Maybe then it's time to do it themselves so that there will not be clashes like that?

So just when I thought everything was planned out properly for this year's workshop, there were many many uncertainties, because there were too many variations available, a lot of things can happen and there is no just 1 formula for it. I blame myself for delaying a few things. But was also a little frustrated that some of the things were not done by other departments supporting. Of course, of course, even it's not my fault that I have already informed them earlier, it's my fault that I didn't follow up and caused things to be done last minute. And some of the things still was never done till the very end, and I also think that they have conveniently forgot about it altogether. At the end of the day, I really thought I single-handed managed the entire thing, except for some stuff that I really cannot do myself. I'd probably do them on my own if I have the resources. It was little of a pity that we couldn't reach out to more people but I was glad it went well. With a little overrun on 2 of the sessions. But honestly, I thought I have tried to make changes, but looks like I haven't done enough. I feel that I have made conscious effort to review every single session and provide views on how we can do better for the next one, but it wasn't recognised. Oh well... we will see for the next one then.